Thursday, January 3, 2019

Jack


I hate writing this post. If I write it, it’s real and Jack not being here can’t be real. It must be a bad dream that I will wake up from soon. 

The contractions were coming closer and closer as the pain increased in intensity. I desperately needed to think about something else as I waited for my epidural. “Tell me the story about the day we got Jack”, I asked Michael. It was the best day, and it was exactly what I needed to take my mind somewhere far away. He is my person, Jack the dog. One of the few who made me feel understood. The smell of his fur is an instant decrease in my blood pressure. 

But now he is gone.



We brought him home to our new condo in Hermosa Beach, California almost 12 years ago. I insisted we crate train him, that is, until I heard him cry in the middle of that first night. From that moment on, he was in our bed and in our hearts. He slept curled against me at night. He knew I was pregnant with Greyson before I did. Suddenly he followed me everywhere- even scratching on the bathroom door when I was inside. What is up with Jack? I wondered. One positive pregnancy test later and it all made sense. 

Through moves and the birth of two little boys, he’s been there all along as my husband and I grew up. Jack always knew he was my first born baby born.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jack. And I’m terrified to live in a world without him. My chest physically hurts with each breath in, after watching him take his last. He had a severe bacterial infection in his blood called Sepsis. They couldn't find the infection's origin and would have needed invasive surgery to even attempt to find it. Surgery that they didn't think this sweet old boy could survive.  One day he seemed fine, and the next he was throwing up, had a slight tremor and was unusually warm to the touch. It was so hard for him to breathe and he was in so much pain. Michael called me from the vet with the news.

WHAT?! NO! 

I was in disbelief. He was supposed to go to the Vet, get medicine and come back home. That’s what always happens and this time should be no different. But Jack was never coming home. 

I loaded the boys in the car and we drove to the vet to say our very last goodbye. We walked into the small sterile room. Jack was on heavy pain medication and wasn’t very responsive. His eyes were open, so I got down to talk to him. I climbed onto the small metal table and placed him in between my legs as I stroked his fur and told him what a good dog he is.  I told him how special he is, and how sorry I am that he is in pain. I thanked him for loving our family. I thanked him for loving me. What a gift it was.

Baby Grey, Jack and me. Jack slept by my side. Sometimes there was a newborn baby between us. 




When we would go to the dog park, he would run so fast in circles around the park as soon as we got there. It always looked like he was smiling.








He put up with all my antics.

He loved to find a sunny patch and just lie down for awhile.


The Vet asked us to let her know when we were ready. Are you ever ready to put poison in your dog and hold them as they die? 

“They want to know if we want his paw print and his ashes,” Michael told me. “NO!” I whispered angrily. “I don’t want those things, I want my dog.” I cried. I just want my dog...

Each breath of Jack’s took so much energy. It was time. The vet poked her head back in and I solemnly nodded. She came back with syringes to use on the port he already had in his paw. The vet explained that they would first give Jack a sedative. And the last syringe was the end. I held Jack's head and he body was cradled in between my legs. Michael and I held hands. I wanted to start screaming and never stop. The Vet used her stethoscope to check his heart, and then tried to close his eyes. I knew he was gone. 

Those 12 years were over so fast. 

The boys said goodbye to Jack. They are more intuitive than we could ever imagine, but life and death are very complicated, not-concrete terms, and I don’t really know how much they understand. I’m in my 40’s and I still don’t understand. 

A video Parker made a few weeks ago.


JACK!!! JACK!!! JACK!!!.... I went outside this morning and yelled his name over and over again in agony. I sat down on the frosty sidewalk and welcomed the numbness of the cold. I just want him back. I can’t sleep without him. How will I advocate without him? Every rough meeting ended with me snuggling with Jack at home. How will I homeschool without him? He laid at our feet. He was my home. He is my heart.

Everything good in life has a cost, and the cost of love is intense pain and loss. We must still love though. Jack's love was always without conditions. In many ways, he taught us how to love, simply by the way he loved us. So for now I will figure out how to live with a Jack shaped hole in my life and remember that this pain is so big because our love was even more grande.

11 comments:

  1. I wish we were close enough that I could hug you and cry with you. Know that he KNEW you loved him and he loved you in return. Hugs to you Chrissy and family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i already gave up on ever getting cured of HSV2 because i have try many treatment none of them work out for me i have go to different hospital they always tell me same thing there is no cure for herpes when i came across a post about Dr ohunyom, in the net from a lady called Angela i contacted him and he reassured me with him herbal medicine which i took according to the way he instructed, that how i was cured. I doubted at first because i have been to a whole lot of reputable doctors, tried a lot of medicines but none was able to cure me. so i decided to listen to him and he commenced treatment, and under two weeks i was totally fee from #Herpes. i want to say a very big thank you to DR ohunyom for what he has done in my life. feel free to leave him a message on email drohunyom@gmail.com and also WhatsApp him +2349060579973..
      He can still be able to help you with this herbs medicine:
      1...ALS CURE/DIABETES CURE/EPILESY/HPV CURE/LUPUS/HEPATITIS/CANCER/GOUT     

      Delete
  2. So sorry about your beloved Jack. This poem helped me when I lost my wonderful dog. A Pet's Peace- "I have left you now, but please don't be sad. You gave me all the love you had..."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jack was such a character! What a personality. So sorry for your loss. He was truly loved.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope your new doggies are helping to heal the pain from losing Jack and Belle. My new puppy helped me heal too. I enjoy all the photos you post with the boys and your pets!

    ReplyDelete
  5. LOVE SPELLS THAT WORKSI am sharing this testimony to partners suffering in their relationships because there is an enduring solution.
    My husband left me and our 2 kids for another woman for 3 years. I tried to be strong just for my kids but I could not control the pains that torment my heart. I was hurt and confused. I needed a help, so i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr. Paul a spell caster, can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a special prayer and spells for me. To my surprises, after some days, my husband came back home. That was how we reunited again and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family.
    You can as well contact Dr.  Paul  , a powerful spell-caster for solutions on his contact astoriashrine@gmail.com or directly on Whats App: +2349051441669 

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am very happy today with my family. My name is rose sarah living in USA, My husband left me for a good 3 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that darted me to Dr.life a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband after 2 weeks. Me and my husband are living happily together today, That man is great, you can contact him via email drlifetemple@gmail.com… Now i will advice any serious persons that found themselves in this kind of problem to contact him now a fast solution without steress.. He always hello, now i call him my father.contact him now he is always online email (drlifetemple@gmail.com) or contact him on his whatsapp mobile line +2347010538590

    ReplyDelete
  7. i couldn't believe that i would ever be re-unite with my ex-lover, i was so traumatize staying all alone with no body to stay by me and to be with me, but i was so lucky one certain day to meet this powerful spell caster,after telling him about my situation he did everything humanly possible to see that my lover come back to me,indeed after casting the spell my ex-lover came back to me less than 48 hours,my ex-lover came back begging me that he will never leave me again,3 months later we got engaged and married,if you are having this same situation just contact powerful spell caster on his email: astoriashrine@gmail.com or Whats App him through +2349051441669

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello, my name is RITA CARMEN and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 12 years. i have been looking for ways online for so long, I first did Depo Provera Shot which i consecutively took every three months in order to get pregnant or fertile, but there was no way from it. I did Depo shot for 3 years constantly until my Doctors in Australia told me to try IVF because I had Endometriosis stage 4 and I resulted to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). For months after my IVF no progressed and my situation became worse that my husband had already had plans or getting married to another woman because I was barren. I read a testimony about Prophet Abulele how he had helped so many women with pregnancy problems and also how he usually casts return spells to bring back partner and make one fertile. Of all options tried, I gave Prophet Abulele a try. I am now a mother of a baby boy. For over 13 years of my marriage I received my help from this spell caster. I want to impact on someone's life and make the person get help from a good spell caster. Prophet Abulele's email is:- prophetabulelehealingtemple@gmail.com and his WhatsApp is +2349022406159 once you contact him, he will help you fast.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i already gave up on ever getting cured of HSV2 because i have try many treatment none of them work out for me i have go to different hospital they always tell me same thing there is no cure for herpes when i came across a post about Dr ohunyom, in the net from a lady called Angela i contacted him and he reassured me with him herbal medicine which i took according to the way he instructed, that how i was cured. I doubted at first because i have been to a whole lot of reputable doctors, tried a lot of medicines but none was able to cure me. so i decided to listen to him and he commenced treatment, and under two weeks i was totally fee from #Herpes. i want to say a very big thank you to DR ohunyom for what he has done in my life. feel free to leave him a message on email drohunyom@gmail.com and also WhatsApp him +2349060579973..
    He can still be able to help you with this herbs medicine:
    1...ALS CURE/DIABETES CURE/EPILESY/HPV CURE/LUPUS/HEPATITIS/CANCER/GOUT     

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was diagnosed of herpes virus, I have tried all possible means to get cure but all my effort proved abortive, until a friend of mine introduced me to a herbal doctor called Chief Dr Lucky, who prepare herbal medicine to cure all kind of diseases including herpes virus (Herpes), when i contacted this herbal doctor via his email, he sent me herpes virus herbal medicine via courier service, when i received the herbal medicine he gave me step by step instructions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed i was totally cured from the virus within 3 weeks of usage. Contact this great herbal doctor today to get your cure. 
    Via Email : chiefdrlucky@gmail.com
    Whats App : +2348132777335
    website : http://chiefdrluckysolutionhome.website2.me/    

    ReplyDelete