This post is dedicated to Jocelyn, who always drags me out of the corner when I am hiding...
Lately it has been hard for me to find the inspiration and energy to write. And although I believe in finding beauty in the small things - focusing on the positive- I also believe it is important to vent....to be real and authentic and honest....because sometimes, there is beauty there too...especially when the Yin -Yangs and the Ebb- flows and you realize you had to be there...to get to here...
Every day we select a shirt and put it on. Each shirt carries a specific and important message.
What is your shirt saying to the world? Lately, my shirts have read...
"Don't talk to me"
"I Give Up"
Usually, I don't feel bad about my bad mood...I tell myself it affects no one but myself...but I know that's just not true. My boys feel it. They absorb it. And when you're a kid and your Mom's always in a hurry, or rushed or half-present- it's your whole wide world. Currently my mind leap frogs from one worry to the next...What will the holidays be like without my family? Will Parker's cold turn into an ear infection? (I've worried about this constantly for the past 5 days)...How did I forget to get Greyson's waffles at the store?
I realize that I need to put more effort into selecting my shirt. I need to be present in the now... and the now...and now...
Perhaps I won't immediately be "feeling it" but I can put one on and become.....
"I'm ready for today's adventure."."
"I am so frickin' Lucky"
"My husband is so helpful and I am grateful".
It could even be like I'm a presenter at the Emmy's and I can change numerous times a day if I want!
"I love Caffeine!"
"Being spontaneous makes (me nervous but) HAPPY!"
We listen to the forces that guide us...maybe it's spiritual ..maybe it is Religious...We work to accept more and to judge less. (Unless someone is wearing too tight of low rise jeans- I think they deserve to be judged). We love our babies and our family and our friends with ferocity....and then beat the crap out of the girl in the mirror.
Thoughts of worry, fear or sadness flood in. Ughhhh- my skin looks terrible..I hate my clothes...I better hurry-I'm running late--AGAIN... And so on...and suddenly all those little thoughts ping-ponging in your head becomes... YOU. That's not who I want to be though, and so I stretch to be conscience --and only that can start a change.
The book, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment says...
"Do you have many "what if" thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist...All that you ever have to deal with, cope with, in real life- as opposed to imaginary mind projections--is this moment. ..What is wrong with this moment? You can always cope with the Now, but you can never cope with the future- nor do you have to. The answer, the strength, the right action or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after."
Life unfolds...some days are great and some are not. If we wait for the trips to Disney World and Christmas to be happy, to be sweet, to be fun, to be laid back --than that still leaves us about 350 other days that are important too, and that is much more defining. That's what's really important to me- the in between.
So many new things in the past 2 months since I wrote last. My Big Love Greyson sleeps in his big boy bed. He does 22 hours of ABA each week and 2 hours of speech. Although I get stir crazy in the house, I am so happy that at least my sweet little boy is always near by. He is learning to mimic or mirror-cuz kids like him can't. It's crazy stuff, but it works. The good part is sometimes he even gets to have fun.
Sure, I'll work for bubbles...
He talks in speech. They way Teacher Amy pulls out words leaves me jumping up and down one second and brings me to tears and on my knees another. I finally understand how Michael feels when watching football.
"More...train." All on his own..."You bet, my friend" she tells him. "I'll give you another piece of the train."
She doesn't wear a cape, but boy is she my superhero.
Michael and I have learned to wait awhile between milestones sometimes...and when they come-- well, I just can't describe the elation. The high....Remembering the moment again and again....and trying to keep that belief alive until the next one, and sometimes it's a long time and I want to give up. And the next thing I know, he amazes me and I hang onto the hope that anything is possible...allowing my head to go there...the scary good place....the one where life feels normal and I can sigh in relief and I am all, "Shew....I remember that time in my life--and it sure was scary and I am so glad everything feels ok now."
I have to say, just because it isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't good. Oh man, it's so sweet and so good. I hope when you read this you can feel just how good it is, because I know this is exactly where I need to be. It isn't where I set out to go....but it's where I am supposed to be.
My Sweet baby Parker sleeps in his own room (pretty darn much through the night 8pm-4am-EAT-and back up for good at 6:30am), crawls like a champ and eats food. His cheeks are a religion I worship.
And his eyes...They tell me everything...
This was Parker's First Halloween
and The Monkey's second...
Oh Bla Di, Oh Blah Da....Life is crazy. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry...It's everything you created it to be- plus a few things you don't want and a few things you wish you had.....and unless someone just lit you on fire...I bet even right now is pretty OK.
Tomorrow I've got my outfit all planned out like it's the first day of school. I'm wearing my, "I'm Awesome" shirt. Do me a favor, and put yours on too.