Thursday, July 26, 2012


At the end of the night when I am finally alone with myself and my thoughts- there are suddenly a million things I want to do.  To make the list of Things I want to Do...they must be things I can do while sitting on the couch and usually involves a computer and or a TV.

I am calm and relaxed and things that may have bothered me during the day are instantly manageable. Eggs go into numerous baskets and the ducks that want to be in a row line up willingly.

I fight bed time like a 6 year old...thinking of excuses why I can't yet go to sleep. I am afraid I will miss out on Me time- and therefore be forced to start on empty in the morning. Finally I force myself into my room...go through my nightly ritual of washing and brushing, contact removal, lotioning and vitamin taking... I check the beautiful monitors on my night stand...and hear them breath in and and out...And I regulate my breathing with theirs...
I place my pillows just so...lie on my side...sneak a sockless foot out from under the covers...and somewhere between thought and silence...I drift off. 
In the morning... at Parker's first cry...I groan out in exhaustion...I would pay the devil for just a little more sleep. I know I just need to rip the band aid off and get up, but instead I want to cry...I curl deeper into the sheets and hope wish and pray that the crying will magically stop... and when it doesn't, I get out of bed... and despite the fact that I washed my face the night before, I have mascara under my eyes and my hair is going in every single direction. I am quite a site. 

Last night I drifted off to sleep at about 1 in the all time late for me...and at 6:30 this morning... I thought I might die...and If I hadn't gotten the rare yet amazing chance to take a nap today- I just might have... If I could just have...hmmm- let's go big and say- If I could have an hour nap every day- I could be the most amazing girl in the World. I could do 4 million more things every day. I might even make dinner...and whistle...I may be able to even have an intelligible conversation with Michael at the end of the day...instead of...
Michael: Yes?
Me: Yes, what?
Michael: You just said, "If I wouldn't have gone to the..." and then just stopped talking...
Me: What? No I didn't...
Michael: You did- and then you stopped...
Me: If I wouldn't have gone where? What was I even talking about?
Michael: I don't know- that is what I was trying to ask you.

So tonight I will capture a few words and I will go to sleep at a reasonable hour so that I can function better tomorrow. 

At night, things become a little more clear...and right now as I type, I remember...

I was put on this Earth to grow....
Although sometimes I so desperately want to cling to staying the same... I work to grow. 

I accept CHANGE. 

Change in mind...change in attitude...change in heart.


Did you know they sell change? They do! I saw this machine at Riverpark Shopping Center. It's only a dollar and they give you back 4 quarters too!

I work to judge less...sometimes I judge others...but mostly I judge myself.

Challenge yourself.

Question yourself without judgement...

Write your feelings down...

You go to status meetings for have a syllabus for school...What about your life?

Why are you here?

What do you want out of this experience?

What do you love?

What makes you laugh?


What makes you proud?

Besides Family, Who makes you happy?

Who do you surround yourself with, and how do you feel when you are with them?

Where do you feel happiest and most at peace?



When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?


I find words inspiring...they resonate within..and I want to share the following awesome and true words with you. They are from the website, The Daily Love. (thanks for sharing with me- AA!)

Life only sucks if you do.
I know, that is a strong statement. But you see, here's the hard truth - life isn't how we see it; how we see life is how WE ARE.
If you're having a stressful day, you are actually bringing stress to the day.
If people are mean, you are bringing the judgment of mean to everyone you see.
If you can't seem to get a break, it's because you are choosing to see failure as permanent instead of a sign showing you where to go.
If life isn't fair, then the rules you have made up about life are holding you back.
The Truth is that The Uni-verse wants us to be happy. The Uni-verse is an abundant place, but it is also literal.
What we think into The Uni-verse will be reflected back to us. If we think judgment, we bring and initiate the judgment. If we think Love, we will bring Love and see Love.
This isn't to suggest some Pollyanna point of view of always being fakely optimistic, no. I'm saying this to help bring awareness to how powerful our interpretations are in determining the quality of our life.
We get from life what we bring to it. Plain and simple.
This doesn't mean things will always go our way; this doesn't meant that tragedy won't strike; this doesn't mean that life won't be challenging.
But, what this does mean is that we have the power to apply an empowering meaning to what happens and we can choose to learn and grow. Anyone who is successful has overcome challenges, personally, professionally and spiritually.
Our aim should be to train our minds to be strong like strong muscles, so that we can apply an empowering meaning to tough times. As we walk The Path we must become the person it takes to manifest our dreams, otherwise we are simply wishing, hoping and dreaming. We must act.
Going to the gym with weak muscles and just positive thinking your way through to being able to curl 100lbs won't do it. We have to work. And we have to be willing to go through the pain, but instead of being held captive by the pain of growth, love it and be grateful for it.
We have two choices: the pain of staying the same, or the pain of growth. If we stay the same, we will have subtle pain our whole lives until we die wondering "what if?" Or we can choose the pain of growth, which can be intense, but it is temporary. On the other side is the goal, result and life we desire.

1 comment:

  1. GREAT POST! And boy, oh boy, do I know what those morning are like! I wake up to crying every single day. (This morning at 5am). Get some rest, Mama!