Thursday, August 23, 2012

This Way

God sent us a little prize on the way out the door for day 3 of school yesterday morning...

Thank you God... I needed that.... And The Trash Man- I'm sure many aspects of your job suck- but take comfort in the fact that many little boys worship you.

I promised myself I wouldn't name this post the day after the day after the day...but I still wanted to see it in print. Thank you for obliging me.

Sometimes when I go running with Grey- I give him choices...

Greyson- should I go this way or this way?
And it took many many times of modeling it- and pointing his finger in each direction for him...and showing him what each point resulted in...but now he gets it...and he realizes the power of his words when he answers Dis way-eee and points in his chosen direction- and I oblige accordingly. Sometimes our entire route is decided by him. 

This morning on our last right hand turn before entering Greyson's school--Greyson points in the opposite direction and says.. NO, NO NO! Dis waaay-eeee...Dis waaay-eee! Emphatically pointing in the opposite direction.


Oh, buddy! You are so smart. I tell him...I can't go that way. We are going to school. 
Can you say school?


Oh Chrissy...sometimes you are so silly...he does talk to you...You just have to pay attention...

The things I was going to do when I got the free time...I don't want to do them so far. And although my To Do list is motivation supply is short... I have to go home immediately after drop off so Parker can nap.

Grocery store?...Didn't feel like it...
Nap?... no...too tired to nap...
Target? Nah...what's the point?
Phone calls and appointments to make?...maybe tomorrow...

I did go for a run with Parker after he awoke... (See- there's still a little me in there.)


I took a shower...
I watched a little 90210...The Original one...
And waited until it was time to pick up Greyson.

Tick tock.
Tick tock.

When I picked him up I arrived a few minutes early and excitedly waited for his classroom door to open. Suddenly I heard his cry...and slowly the door opened and Greyson walked out first...big splashing tears falling down his cheeks...Not a tantrum...Just sad....
Really sad....
I scooped him up in my arms and asked his Teacher- Oh no! What's wrong? And she let me know that he was really tired, and that he had gone up to her earlier and asked her to hold him. (I'm glad she was able to translate- he says I woooonnnn uhhh- for I want up.) And I knew that he must have been really really sad to do that. But she didn't know why he was so sad... And I held him close and I rubbed and I kissed his head... I asked his Teacher loads of questions and she answered them all- which eased part of my mind...

But the thought of him sad...and me not being almost too much to think about... The thought of him not being able to tell anyone what's wrong...The thought of him working so many thoughts go through my head and I have to sometimes shake them loose so I can stop thinking... 

I scour through my drawers looking for my magic wand to make it all better. I can't seem to find it.

I'm swimming through a flood of feelings... I think I must take longer to process change than others do...Or maybe people just don't talk about it that much- because they don't want to be the only one stuck in the mud. Or maybe others just don't get so freaked out during transitional times...Just when I was almost- not really- kind of was getting used to Michael traveling for work every week...more change happens...and sometimes life just really makes you feel like you will never feel caught up. Today I want life to feel less like a roller coaster...and more like the Merry Go Round...And my rational mind knows it will get easier...but my heart doesn't believe my mind just yet...

Tonight I'm pretty sure his sad washed away at the sunset...and because of that- mine did least for a little while.


We went to the zoo grounds...and he just ran and ran and ran...

It's funny...I never really thought I was that great...But now I keep thinking- I can't wait to feel like me again...So maybe me wasn't so bad after all...

Dear Me,
Come back soon.
I miss you.


  1. I kind of wish I could just call and talk to you to give you a pep talk! Although I'm not sure I would help much lol...I have two typical boys, going into 8th and 6th grade now. And I will tell you that I approach "momming" (love that word) much like you - I'm all in. I stayed home full time until my youngest was in 4th grade, and now only work part time at a school so I'm home whenever they are.
    I just wanted to tell you that there are others out here like me who have a tough tough time with school starting. Every single year I go into a mini-depression when I have to "give them back" to the machine. I adore the summer, how they get to be whoever they want to be, we can do whatever we want, and when we are busy its because we choose to be. They, along with my husband, are my favorite people to be with in the world. I have to wait a few weeks for the new normal to feel normal. I hate back to school ads as much as the kids do...and we still have almost two weeks to go, over here in New England.
    I will tell you the one thing I do that gets me through, other than just waiting it out and trusting it will feel better soon. I remind myself how sad I would be if they *couldnt* go to school..if they were too sick, or hurt, or unable to function at all...that would break my heart in two. They are doing what they are supposed to, and that is some small (really BIG) comfort, until the new normal sinks in. Just keep telling yourself how far he has come that he can do this....and watch that clock tick...and it will all feel new normal soon. hugs!

  2. FYI I don't know why that google account came up as my name, its not me. FYI in case you were to click on my profile. Must have entered in a weird password. Strange.