My heart breaks yet overflows with love all at once... I have the rare opportunity to show you what real, raw and honest- unconditional love looks like in action. It isn't toys or money...it isn't candy or trips. It is showing up every day and doing my very best. Even when its tough. Especially when its tough. I know it's true when I say would die for you... Because a part of me is dying right now. It's harder at night when things are quiet...But at this instant, I am happy because it is just you and I, alone with my thoughts.
You are my perfection. No matter what. Always have been. I look at you and I think- How did I get so lucky?
I want to give you the World... But I can't and that breaks me. I'm not allowed to focus on that though because it doesn't help you at all. I love you, Parker. I love you, I love you, I love you. I loved you before I met you...
l love you in all the ways I can. I cut your grapes and hot dog pieces in quarters.
I don't get water in your eyes when I rinse your hair in the tub. When I buy you new shoes I get more excited than when I get new shoes. I squeeze your chubby tush and make you giggle every time I change your diaper because I can't help myself. When you get hurt I sing You are my Sunshine- loudly in my terrible voice- even in public- until you are smiling again. I watch you with a proud smile in the rear view mirror and on the baby monitor because you are the greatest reality show I've ever seen.
I memorize your smell, your little rose bud lips and the exact color of your golden spun hair so I never forget this day... This stage... This age. Being your Mom is such a gift. You are a gift.
Parker, being your mother is an honor. Teaching you is an honor. Loving you is the greatest honor of all.
Loving someone so completely also creates an opportunity for great pain. Love anyway baby. With all your heart...never hold back... Life will be hard sometimes. There will be things that I can't do for you. There will be things you don't want to do that I will still make you do. And I love you so much that there will be times that I will watch you struggle... Even though it's so much easier to just do it for you, sweet boy...but I love you too much for that ...
Parker Doodle- it's my job to teach you how to be strong and humble... grateful and kind...It's my job to teach you how to bounce. When you know how to bounce - then you can recover no matter how hard you're thrown. I can't teach you that from reading you a storybook... I've got to act it out for real. By being the greatest me possible... So I stretch really far to be the person I want to raise you to be. I want to teach you to believe in yourself... Which means I must believe in me.
Parker Douglas, God will always make sure you have everything you need... You may not understand that in your everyday life- because I don't understand it either...That one- we just have to believe.
The World is good and the World cares. The world has taught me that- as it will teach you. Your fire is so bright you will attract positive people. People are listening. They care.
Your future is so bright it hurts my eyes. Life is short...make sure you enjoy the show.
So much love,
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, It's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
The Show- Lenka
I love you friend!ReplyDelete
Love love love!ReplyDelete
Chrisy......You are a gift to me!!!!!! I get such strength from your writing....this should be in book form! Much Love!ReplyDelete