Is it really that easy? Sometimes it is... Just let it go...
When thoughts and words eat us up inside...they don't help us... they don't hurt others- even the ones that may deserve to hurt just a little... They just hurt us... Let's stop hurting us Friend.
If it helps-- give yourself a deadline... Today- I can think about this all I want... but as of tomorrow- 9am. DONE. No more entertaining those kinds of thoughts... write it a goodbye letter...make a list... I will no longer stew over the following:
I have a few that replay in my mind... I rotate them... my worries...people I get myself worked up over... things I find unfair...I'm ready to tell them all goodbye.
Happy breath in... bad stuff out...
Happy breath in...bad stuff out... ( I want to hear you breathing. I mean it.)
They say the days are long- but I think that they really meant the nights...
How can he look so sweet...so peaceful and so angelic? Now that he is asleep- I can't even fathom how I could be mad at this sweet little angel...I'm sure he'll remind me again tomorrow...
Yes, he got a haircut.
Sometimes we need to take care of ourself with the kindness we would take care of a friend... Today I struggled with regular old Mom type struggles... Like rip my hair out kind of struggle. Like stuff that sounds hilarious and not at all mentally excruciating when I repeat it out loud.
What can I do to make Chrissy happy? Hmmm... She likes editing pictures and writing, watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and eating cookies... all at once... Yes, let's give her all those things...
Today you should take good care of your friend- You.
Last week at Parker's evaluation for Early Intervention- that day was hard...
I couldn't just decide to not think about it..that would be weird and denial-ish. You can't let go of anxiety and worry unless you work through it first. DAMN! There's always a catch. It's hard work and it can't be ignored or put on a shelf forever.
It's gonna take a little while to really work it out...maybe my whole Life- but I made it through the beginning really really hard part... There were a couple of nights I just didn't want to think any more --and it wasn't helping me by thinking and thinking about it- at least not in the way I was thinking about it. One night I went into my bathroom cabinet and found a 4 year old bottle of Xanex from when I had some wisdom teeth pulled... I took one in hopes that it would stop the thinking... I wanted to numb out... I wanted that cute little pill to do the hard work for me... I wanted it to work miracles... But I woke up the same girl with the same life...but groggy and extra tired...
I realized Xanex isn't the Golden ticket. And each day I went through the same motions I always do- because I had to...wake up...drink coffee...take Greyson to school...go for a run...and I realized- Life is still the same as it was last Monday- before the evaluation... nothing has actually changed... I am still the same and Parker is still the same... Maybe our day to day activities will change soon...and there will be hard days...but there will be good ones too...
And no matter what... I will still be the same and so will Parker... We are both here- in the flesh... I can hug him and sqeeze him and kiss his little puppet mouth whenever I want... Our souls? Untouchable...
How is my Life different than anyone else's Life? Hard but good... Good but hard....swirled into one big bowl and doled out in portions... Big picture friends...Keeping my eye on the Bird's eye view.
The good thing about my really hard day last week-- is that it puts it all in perspective. Tonight's really hard night-- really wasn't so hard after all...It only felt like it at the time.
You are the greatest... You make us jump for joy!
I love hearing from you- send me an email... firstname.lastname@example.org or let's be best friends on Facebook!
We are gonna start a LifewithGreyson page on Facebook soon- as soon as we figure out how!
Perfect photos to go along with your incredible thoughts, my friend. Thanks for your sharing your brain (and soul!)ReplyDelete
I don't think I've ever commented, but something on your post the other day about Parker made me want to reach out. You said you felt his diagnosis (or potential diagnosis) meant you'd lost your one chance at a kid who would get married and have kids. Well, I'm sure lots of people can regale you with stories of people with Autism who grew up, got married, and had kids, but in case those stories aren't coming your way... I've got a few things to share with you (I apologize in advance for the tome).ReplyDelete
1. My uncle: My uncle was always referred to as being "slow". I didn't think much of this growing up, but when my cousin's son was diagnosed with Autism it hit me. Wait a minute, that's what my uncle has. My mother agreed... as a child, Autism didn't apply to kids who spoke or interacted with others, so for lack of a better term, they used "slow" (the "r-word" didn't really apply either because he was capable of learning... he just did it more slowly). So, he went through the public school system, got a high school diploma, got a job, bought a truck with his own money, moved into an apartment by himself (an assisted complex, but still, he lives alone), got a girlfriend, etc. He has a community who loves him and looks after him. I think by any measure of the word he is happy (though, of course, if you asked him if he is happy he'd think you are crazy because emotions aren't his thing).
2. Classmate's Dad: My second story is about my daughter's classmate's dad. Bob shows up at nearly every school party--Valentine's Day lunch, Easter snack, end of school pool party. The thing is, Bob stands in the corner and doesn't speak to anyone. Bob does not make eye contact. Bob is clearly uncomfortable. But there he is at every party so that his little girl has a parent there. Bob works with computers, is married to an engineer, and they have two kids. Though I've never seen Bob show an ounce of emotion, I'd wager he's pleased with his life (I know his parents are as they tote their grandkids on cruises around the world every summer). My favorite part of telling Bob's story is this--I once heard another mother ask Bob's wife why Bob never spoke. Bob's wife looked at the woman as though she'd never heard of such a thing. Bob's reticence was just a part of who he is and his wife couldn't come up with an answer any more than I could if someone turned to me and asked why my husband had curly hair. She clearly loves him for who he is.
3. My third tale involves teens with Autism. My husband and I both teach and have had several kids with Autism in our classes. We've taught those with no filters, those with zero social skills, and those who wrote brilliantly but never said a word in class. Neither of us has ever seen another student be unkind or frustrated with these students, nor have we experienced other teachers being unkind or impatient. In my experience, everyone "gets" it.
So, I guess my point here is not to limit their future (or your future) by assuming they won't lead "normal" lives. They might very well lead incredibly normal lives. Yes, they may need assistance with money as my uncle does. Or they may need teachers and classrooms with more training than my husband and I have. Or, they may end up married with kids. Unless there's something about placing them at a certain point on the spectrum at this age that tells you how far they'll go, I'm guessing no one really knows what they'll achieve.
(Please forgive me if this is too pollyanna... I am not in your shoes... I was just touched by your struggle of losing a future we all expect when we become parents.)
I kept wanting to click "like" as I read your post today, Chrissy. You are amazing... Love to you! ~NancyReplyDelete
Oh, how I can relate! Thought you'd get a kick out of this...http://secondtimearound-vernyvern.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-twelve-days-of-christmas-for.htmlReplyDelete