Wednesday, June 26, 2013

half full and happy

Today I was waiting.

Waiting impatiently for Grey to pee. Bored. Sick of the Bathroom. So much waiting. Always waiting.

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Waiting for him to wash his hands. It takes him so long and it's so much easier to do it for him but then he doesn't learn. 

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So much waiting. Waiting until August for the next available Occupational Therapy Evaluation. Waiting to figure out what to do about Grey's schooling in the future. Waiting to hit our deductible so speech for Grey is covered. Waiting to see if we can get more Behavior therapy hours for Grey. Waiting for the boys to talk. Waiting for Grey to poo on the potty. Waiting to put Parker down for a nap, waiting for bed time. When you are a human, there is always a million things in the in between, waiting to be figured out. 

And today I decided, I am done with waiting. At least for the day. Instead of waiting- I'm just going to be, and it was such a relief. Waiting is so slow and boring makes me the victim of circumstance, but being is so sweet and calm and I'm in charge.

Telling the truth makes me feel more normal. Hiding my crazy makes it grow. You gotta follow the recipe that works for you and gives you the greatest potential for happiness. You deserve that. I'm a glass half full kind of gal. Some people say that once you have a child with Super power- the sad never truly goes away. For me- I say the sad went away- it just comes around in moments. Half full and happy. I think that's a good combination.

I thought of something today. Something that scared me. I hate to watch Grey struggle- it makes me sad. I wish life was easier for him. But sometimes I get sad for me too. Because I don't like to struggle or feel sad either. And then I thought about how sad I would be if I had a condition that made someone else so sad- because they expected me to be something else... but there was nothing I could do because I was inseparable from my condition. So today I thought, this autism thing-in a way, it isn't really about me. My boys are a precious gift from God. It's my earthy duty to take care of them. God said I'm gonna give her two incredibly precious and sacred little boys. They will give her life joy and a beauty she's never seen or experienced before. I trust she will adore these boys. Her parenting will also include lots of crappy moments, hard times and scary parts- but I hope she doesn't focus on that. Boy I really hope she is able to focus on that first part.

God, thank you for my gifts. They are perfect.

I was at Grey's typical preschool during their outside water play day. Teacher Gardenia was passing out popsicles in every color of the rainbow. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit, she exclaimed as she randomly distributed colors. Brilliant.

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And not one single child whined, I wanted red or I don't want this green one. They were just happy to have popsicles outside while enjoying the summer sun. 

I refuse to sit here and let my popsicle melt because I didn't want orange. I don't want to cry over my popsicles, I love my popsicles. I would choose the exact same popsicles over and over and over again out of an entire whole store full of popsicles.

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And as I type I am almost crying...over popsicles...which aren't really popsicles at all. It's a day by day thing- life, but today I'm certain I focused on the good.


We have two dogs. This is Belle.

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She's Michael's favorite and she bugs the hell out of me (but of course I love her like a Mother). Jack is the calm dog and he is my favorite. Maybe opposites do attract...which sucks because that means I'm like Belle...which I am.

We can't take Belle to the dog park because she is nuts and she goes crazy on the other dogs. Belle is always so worried. Lately she has been obsessed with the dog that lives behind us. She constantly wants to be outside so she can stand by the fence and wait for the dog.  She doesn't even enjoy being outside really because she is so worried about that dog, worried about where the dog is and what the dog is doing. And none of it is even real, the dog is old, doesn't give a crap about Belle and rarely comes to the fence. Seeing Belle so caught up in this charade is very humbling... I just want to tell her, Belle, just live a good life. Don't worry about everything. Especially things that don't even exist in the first place. Except I should replace the name Belle with Chrissy.

Are you a worrier too?

Guess what I worried about the whole time I was pregnant with Grey? Autism? Hell no. I worried I was going to poop when I was pushing while in labor.  No, seriously. I remember asking the doctor and the nurses what would happen if I did. I tried to look up statistics on how often it occurs. I googled ways to avoid it. It never came true. I should keep a log book of my worries that never come true. It would be HUGE. I was also worried sick over Grey's first IEP. Ours was a breeze and my worries were unfounded.

Every child with autism is so completely different and so is every parent's story.  The journey to acceptance takes time- and the amount of time isn't the same for everyone. There is no one right way. Everyone is entitled to stay in denial as long as they need- and everyone is entitled to be sad as long as they need to be sad too.  Don't judge your own sad. I'm not telling you not to be sad- I'm just saying I give you permission to give up the sad starting today if you are ready. I no longer have that constant flow of sad punctuating everything I do. It is possible. I know that's so hard for many people to believe. We have moments of sad, but they are moments, not forevers.

I am so excited you are here. I love hearing from you that you are reading this blog back to the beginning. That's exactly something I would do. I'm so excited you are helping me change the world two eyes at a time too. I promise- you take so much of the sad away.

Join us on Facebook!!! We need more world changers like you.




  1. I found your blog through Facebook. I read it every time I see it on Facebook and I love it! Tonight I went to the Farmer's Market and a man was holding a beautiful little boy....I knew that little boy from your blog. It was the beautiful little boy with the big blue eyes....then I noticed his little brother, and his mommy! You have a beautiful family! I then had to tell my husband about your blog and what an inspiration you are to all who read it! I was thrilled to see you in my town. I just assumed you lived in some far away place and that we were connected only through the internet. Stay strong mommy! Life is full of ups and a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride!

  2. I am new to your blog and am love love loving it. Now that I am all caught up (and have six new crow's feet from reading on my tiny screen) I look forward to when my kids are sound asleep and I can read your latest entry in peace. My witching hours seem a lot less witchy and lonely this week - and my husband is even traveling for work. You are so humble and brave and hysterical and the only bummer in finding you is I wish we could be friends and hang out together. Your boys? They hit the mamma jack-pot. Lastly, have you read "Loving Anthony" by Lisa Genova? Often you turn the tables and think about how you'd feel if your parents wanted you to be a different way. When you do that you remind me of this book, which flip flops between a mom and her son with autism. I loved it and found myself thinking harder and longer about how a child with autism may be feeling.

    Be well. And thank you.

  3. I am new to your blog, I came through your post on Kelle Hampton's blog. I have to share with you that your words that morning and today have helped me so much. I don't have a child with Autism but I have recently been diagnosed with what could be a life threatening disease. The first morning I read your blog was the first morning I was home from the hospital. I was feeling all "sad" for myself, wondering why I had to deal with this new complication in life, wondering what I had done to make this happen, just plain feeling defeated and SAD. your words, the honest revelation of your heart helped me so much. It helped me gain perspective, why shouldn't I have this today? Who ever really deserves the hard parts of life? Does anyone? Can't everyone ask "why me?" Why are my girlfriends going through divorce? Why does this lady have two children with Autism? Why does anyone have the struggles they do? Why ask why? It's a waste of time and a waste of my heart. I do have this health complication in my life...I just do, can I live the best life possible? I could type paragraphs of revelations about what I learned from your words but instead I just want to say "thank you" for helping me gain perspective and not get swallowed up by the sad.

  4. Coffee out my nose Mama! C'mon! I wish you would have kept your poo fears in a "log" book ;)
    I am a glass half full person, too. Although, I have never been a worrier - I'm more an ostrich with my head in the sand.
    Thanks for sharing <3
    Love & happiness to you, sweet mama. Jennifer

  5. Thank you for being so honest and open about your life and your story. I worked for Wisconsin Early Autism Project when I was in college. I worked with a 5 year old autistic boy. I can honestly say that it was the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever had. You work so hard daily to teach them things that you aren't sure are even registering, and then one day they open up and show you they were listening. They got it! Those huge breakthroughs were amazing! Keep at it, you are a great mom, you love your children. In the end we are all just trying to do the best we can, however we do it. Thank you for sharing. You are inspirational

  6. Chrissy,
    Oh you are so helping me right now, my perspective. My circumstances are different but the sad has the same potential. I am so happy to have found you. And, ugh, I recognize myself in your neurotic dog too. It's hard to respect Belle :)

  7. I went to see the new Superman movie last night -- how he came to be on earth -- and thoughts of your family came to my mind. I hope you'll have the opportunity to see it -- 2 sets of wonderfully loving parents struggling to help their son understand and fulfill his mission..and a fun ride too!...Carol

  8. Dear Chrissy, I just want to tell you how much your story has touched me. Again, my circumstances are not the same but the journey is. It is as though the Father is using your words to speak directly into my mind and heart right now and give me the courage to continue and the insight and wisdom I need to not give up...thank you. Your honesty and your brokenness are healing and refreshing...truth telling sets us free! Keep sharing and keep trusting that your story is a story worth telling. That what you have to say in all the waiting....and all the seemingly mundane and unimportant are really what need to be said and what we all relate too. It's these words that we share that give us the courage to face our own circumstances and to know that we are not alone!....Barb

  9. Great post! After reading my way through older blog posts, I was inspired to read "The Four Agreements" after a quote you posted. As a mom with a son with super powers, something the author wrote about regarding the first agreement really resonated with me. He talked about children learning all of these rules from their parents, teachers, society, etc. How most of us eventually grow up not really knowing who we are. It struck me that some children on the spectrum can bypass most of these rules and just BE. Be themselves and jump and spin and flap to their heart's content without any worries about what others are thinking. Sure my son has quirks (so do I), but he's happy and authentic every single day.

    By the way don't sweat the little details with potty training. It took a long time for my son. It can take longer with kiddos with sensory issues. In the end, everything will work out. It always does. :)

  10. I stumbled across your blog and have been quietly reading through old posts. Thank you for being honest and real! I noticed you live in California (I am in Nor Cal) and thought you might be interested in this Sacramento event, if you don't know about it already

    I was disappointed to miss her book signing, but this seems like a pretty great way to see Glennon in person! Honestly, I have no idea what the organization is that organized it, but I am signed up!! Maybe I'll see you there?

  11. Chrissy,
    Thank you! I found your blog after reading your guest post on Momastery last week and am in awe of your writing - it's so real, so honest - like the rest of us out here in "Web-Land" are actually feeling (I am) and seeing right along with you. I've cried reading some of your posts, felt frustrated, laughed and cheered on your beautiful boys. I can honestly say I have a much better understanding of what Autism is, the real life struggles, joys, fears that go along with the diagnosis. So Thank You for educating me. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

  12. There is your puggle, Belle! I have a neurotic puggle, Fran, and a nice calm one, Brody! Thank you for giving us permission to put our sad away, I truly believe people need permission sometimes! Your boys are beautiful!!!

  13. Thank you. I found you through Momastery and am so thankful. This could be me. Seriously, I spent my entire time pushing my first boy out saying, I know I pooped on the table and I worry like crazy that my boys will have autism. I used to do ABA with a little boy and it was such difficult (and yes, rewarding) work. So far, it appears my sons are typical, but the truth is, there will always be something for this mama heart to worry about. I'm going to try to remember your gentle reminder to enjoy my popsicle instead of watching it melt while I worry about the flavor.

  14. Chrissy, I'm a new follower and I just love you and your winning attitude about LIFE! Have a really great day, xo beth

  15. Chrissy, your blog reminded me of this:

    "During colonial times the British living in India tried to play golf, only to be frustrated by monkeys who disrupted the game by chasing the golf balls and creating chaos. The British tried erecting fences and posting guards to keep the monkeys back, but eventually decided to play the ball where the monkey dropped it -- as we often must do in life, to live as best we can with forces that are beyond our control.-"

    Good luck with your colour of the rainbow and playing the ball where the monkey dropped it. Looks like you are doing a perfect job!

  16. Wow! Your writing is simply amazing. I also found you through Momastery and now look forward to your posts each morning. (I'm on the east coast or else I'd stay up to read them!)I'm working my way reading through all your old posts. Up until now, I've only read Momastery and Kelle Hampton blogs religiously but now yours is a must read for me too! I have two "typical" children, whom are the light of my life, but am struggling with a very difficult marriage. Your perspective on life and love is deeply inspiring. Are you on Instagram? I'd enjoy seeing your daily journal there too! Many thanks for sharing all you do on your blog!

  17. This is so beautiful! As a nanny I have spent many times sitting watching the garbage truck go by, running as it turns the corner to watch, grabbing Pj clad little ones out of their high chair lest they miss the highlight of their week and I too have found such beauty there, the gentle kindness of the people who take away the items we discard, it can be a dirty job but the joy they see in the little children must have it's rewards as every time they stop to honk the horn or give a wave to the little souls who wait on the street to watch with wonder, the little faces that light up as they go by.
    I must say your writing on most things touches me to the core, your honesty and beauty shines through. I know the struggles of spending days with these special children and how a visit to the bathroom for a few minutes can feel like a vacation but I too know the joy these little (to some) moments can bring.
    I send you prayers and love, your boys are beautiful and your love shines so brightly through them. Thank you for sharing your journey x Nanny Deb

  18. You have so many gifts, as you know, but your ability to reach across and touch so many kinds of people with your very human, very heart-filled writings is just incredible. This post, wow. I wish I could tell you how opposite my life is from yours and yet, how very much the same it is in these feelings.....and I would never have had that connection without these amazing words you put out. Thank you for helping ME understand my sad, and that it doesn't have to be this way. God bless you and your beautiful family!