I know I made wrong choices today. I'm sure I could have been more patient or present or kind to others. But all of that washed away tonight as I rocked Parker before bed. Right before bed felt sacred this evening.
Bedtime is never a time for guilt or should'as. It's a time to breath deep and unwind. Tonight I listened to Parker's heart beat like I did long ago at my weekly OBGYN appointments, before we met eyes for the first time.
Put your ear to their chest. Listen to their heart. Amazing still- right?
And tonight I rocked Parker and I sang...
You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy. Each and every day.
I changed the words way back when I thought I had Greyson, and my typical baby- Parker. And I was so happy and grateful for the bond Parker and I would have. For the talks we would one day have. For the lessons we both would learn from Greyson. But at times Greyson was and is so hard. And I felt guilty singing, You make me happy, when skies are Grey... Because it was too loaded with meaning.
Today is Monday, so we Speeched. I love watching things come together.
That ! He says, pointing.
You want juice?
Parker gets juice, Momma gets proud.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's fun. Today was lots more of the latter.
Greyson's date of birth was June 7th, 2009. Usually I remember it fondly. Sometimes I look back, frightened. I had no idea what a gift I was given. I had no idea how much white hot searing pain was yet to come. I'm so lucky and grateful that I had a year and a half of not knowing, fearing or suspecting a single tiny itty bitty thing. Ignorant bliss, you are so divine. I tasted the chocolate. I got to be a typical mom, with typical mom worries for a brief moment in life.
When Greyson was born, I had no clue how that exhausted could actually feel. I had no idea how weird and loose and squooshie my stomach would be. I didn't know I would leave the hospital still looking 6 months pregnant. I had no idea what was going on down there. The nurse at the hospital told me to get a mirror and check out the neighborhood when I got home. No thank you, I will probably just move, I told her.
I had no idea hormonal demons would suck my brain out with each and every marathon nursing session. I was hot and sweaty and thirsty and starving and felt so unbearably ugly. I would scream and yell and cry when I tried on clothes after I gave birth. Nothing fit, everything was in between, and just the thought of wearing my maternity clothes made me rage because I was so horrifically sick of them.
I couldn't grasp the fact that I was feeding a baby from my body...and not just my body, my BOOB. And I had to do it CONSTANTLY. It freaked me out. It's almost sweet to me now how FOREIGN it all was at first. A hundred different Mes ago, yet still the same girl.
But the love, oh sweet Pete, the love... I was overcome with it when Grey curled his little arms overhead and did little baby yawny stretches.
At 40 weeks and one day he finally came to this world which was good because I couldn't WAIT to get unpregnant. So I was surprised that the day after he was born my uterus was strangely and achingly lonely and already reminiscing. I already couldn't remember exactly how it felt to feel him in my tummy with my hands on the outside and I wanted to remember. I close my eyes now still trying to remember. I will never know that feeling again.
But overshadowed by it all, completely and fully was his light that shined so bright, was a love that made me shake when they pricked his heel for blood. I was so scared because I just had absolutely no idea what to do with a baby. I remember googling The Happiest Baby on the Block in the hospital for the 5's, praying at least one of them would work.
I don't know how to make it stop crying! You take him, I told Michael with shaking hands. I hoped somewhere deep inside some kind of instinct would kick in- but it just didn't. It took weeks for me to silence the nerves and just love. And finally the fear died down and the love came in...And the love just gets bigger and sweeter and more painful and good.
And tonight's beautiful warm Summer thunderstorm reminded me- sometimes grey skies are really quite beautiful. My sweet boy noticed each and every little drop. Water from sky, I told him. Amazed, watching the world through his eyes.
I have been dying to tell you this for days. I had to get permission from two very special Mothers first. If you haven't read my Back to School post, please take a look. And you people do it to me every time- your kindness and open heart continuously blows me away.
One very thoughtful Mother read my letter to her daughter, Margo. Margo is 9 and brave, kind and amazing. Cash is a little boy in Margo's class that has autism. Please read the very important letter Margo wrote to her Mom after hearing our back to school letter.
Doesn't it just break your heart so good? It's one of the most important letters I've ever read. Thank you so much for sharing it with us, Margo.
There will always be meanies and jerks and terrible people in the world. That's okay- because there will also always be Franks and Margos. They outshine all the others combined.
Have a wonderful day. Love,
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