Even the word is comforting to me. A cute C with a friendly little f softly holding it all up in the middle and symmetrical double o's grounding everything in place.
So much of my life is trying to find and create comfort. For me. For my boys. Even falling asleep at night is the ultimate act of finding comfort. First I lay on my right side. Every night. Then after a few moments, I switch to left side. Right foot sneaks out from under the covers so it can breath. Pillow just right as to not strain my neck. Two fans blowing for white noise and air. Pillow between knees. It's a calming ritual and an ordeal. Everything is geared towards comfort.
At night and in Life. Is Grey okay? Is it too loud in here? Is this too much for Doodle? Is he hungry? Thirsty? Happy? Alright? I think most ultimate empathetics truly feel uncomfortable when others are not comfortable.
Saturday when Michael and I went to dinner and shopped, we stopped and shopped for shoes. After a glass of Cabernet I was fearless and relaxed, trying on hats and scarves and beautiful sexy gorgeous shoes like I was on a movie montage. I found one pair of very high nude patent pumps. Perfect. So uncomfortable. Pass. I talked myself out of them.
Where would you wear those? Michael asked.
He's right, I thought. I don't do anything fancy. I wear flip flops all the time. And in winter- Uggs and boots. That's pretty much my Momiform. Comfortable.
Over the weekend I put on a skirt to teach my photography class. So uncomfortable. The waist fold wouldn't fold just right. It was bunching under my shirt. I adjusted it a million times. Finally right before class started, I changed into jeans. Much more comfortable. Going to the doctor yesterday I put on a big locket necklace. I second guessed it 100 times. A necklace? Why? It's SO HEAVY. It's annoying. Who invented necklaces? They're weird. Why don't we decorate our elbow? I like jewelry on other people. I like my tiny bracelet I wear (thanks LL) and tiny earrings and that's it. I can't remember the last time I sacrificed comfort on fashion's alter.
So many aspects of my life make me uncomfortable. Constantly sharing our house with therapists sometimes makes me uncomfortable. Some meetings for the boys make me uncomfortable. So much to do with autism makes me uncomfortable. It pushes me so far from comfortable that I cling onto and seek comfort every where else I can.
And with my safe zone of comfort comes so much less doing. I need to let go of this crazy fear I have of doing. I need to get uncomfortable in ways that end up feeling good. I don't know what it will look like or feel like, but I know I will do it. Lately God has been telling me- go and do. Help people, hold hands, raise money, make a change.
In the silence today, an answer came to me. And I almost didn't tell you because it's hard to say out loud. It makes me feel embarrassed, immature, ungrateful. Human.
Like a rush of wind, I realized why Facebook Instagram etc. makes me feel so uncomfortable. It makes me sad because I see things I want that I can't have.
I see things that without even thinking hurts me. Things I want. A pregnant belly. A newborn baby. Reading to my children and them not hating it. Going to the zoo and Disneyland and vacations and playing sports, and play dates. Sometimes in the moments I least expect it, it takes my breath away... without realizing it, I would stop breathing and my shoulders would rise in stress and my mind would race.
And I would put my phone down and I would feel empty and just enough tiny bit awful not really understanding why. I want that too, I would think. Why can't I have that? And then I would feel so empty and I wouldn't remember why because it was such a subtle, lingering sad. And so I would pick up my phone to distract myself and start it all over again. Filling my empty with more empty.
And it took embracing that awful sadness to recognize it. Because I think sometimes all our sadness needs is a hug and recognition that it exists. And I am almost feeling relieved now, because I know what I would say to me if I were my friend- which I am trying to learn to be.
Oh sweet girl. I understand why that would make you sad. You have every right to feel sad and to ache for those card carrying parental moments. You are not selfish or ungrateful or immature. Congratulations, you are human. That ache you feel just means, I want that. Usually when you want something- you just go for it. You don't let anything stop you. But some of those things you just can't have and I'm sorry. It's not part of your story, and it's okay to mourn them. I imagine it hurts like Hell and I am proud of you for each day you get up and do Life when it's hard. And I know you, that ache will never fully go away, but you will find a way to turn it into beauty. And I also know that understanding what it is and where it is coming from makes it so much less scary and makes it easier to breathe. You've been given a very sacred gift and a blessing of a story. Like all great journeys in history, it also contains struggle and pain and an absence of the expected. What you also find on your trek, is abundant blessings and the real meaning of life hidden amongst the unexpected.
And it wasn't until I started writing, that I realized this jealousy gig- is not an emotion privy only to parents of children of Super Powers. How single minded of me to think that. I'm sure there are single moms out there who see families with a dad in pictures- and that makes them sad. There may be parents of a gay child- seeing their friend's children getting married in traditional wedding ceremonies- and that may make them sad. There are probably gay people who get sad when they see their straight friends getting married. People that work that see stay at home Mom pictures and get jealous. The people who can't afford to go on vacation may be jealous of the vacation pics they see. The woman who wants to lose weight may get jealous of a woman's body she wishes she has.
For my Inspiration Diet, Day 3, I am going to stop feeling guilt, disguist or sadness when I feel jealous. Jealousy. It's simply an emotion that is passing through. I am just going to have a little conversation with myself. First- Is this something you can have? Yes? Then clearly you want it. Go for it! Some of my greatest accomplishments in Life started from a spark of jealousy.
No? Then put your heart and your focus elsewhere. Take a deep breath. Let go.
Feel free to have that talk with yourself too.
You can also watch this awesome song with Will I am if you need a boost. Even if you don't have kids you have to watch it.
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