And Michael left for a work trip today. Bring on the joy.
It's such a bad time for him to have to leave, I thought. Such a bad time to have surgery in fact. I was back at Mom'ing first thing this morning. Bitter. But the truth is, there is never a good time. Never a good time for surgery. For a divorce. To lose your job. To start all over again. To find out terrible news. To have another baby. To go on vacation- you know, once you make more money or work slows down.
And life guides us down the little Plinko slots and we fall. And if you are like me- you try like mad to claw onto the sides, but it never works. So we fall with a few additional bruises from holding on so tight.
Surgery reminded me that sometimes we must take a not good situation like pain- and allow it to get much worse and much more broken before it can get better. Badly broken is all a part of the healing. I think a running theme through Life is the middle. Working towards acceptance of a lack of control when we find ourselves haphazardly floating in the middle.
And today I thought- Things will be good when I can fully use my shoulder again. I'll be happy then. But I don't want to wait until then, because I will always be waiting. So I'm going to be happy today. And it's hard as heck sometimes...Life. But it's worth it. Here's a vintage Life with Grey post that I picked out just for you.
Michael is going out of town for work again...and usually starting at around 4pm at night I start to go a little bit crazy...and I start to get that fear in the pit of my stomach...that I'm tired and this is overwhelming and the next few hours will feel like days feeling...and then with relief, I remember...
I have Super Human Powers. I remember that just two weeks ago today Greyson and I went for what I thought was going to be a typical-ish evaluation and we got a parting gift. It was not cash and/or prizes, but it was an Autism diagnosis. And after I heard those words, my legs not only walked me out of the building, but they safely drove us home, and then my legs and the rest of me Mom'ed for three more days alone that week. And we did more than OK...we did great...We rocked.
I even took this picture that day because I knew I would want to remember that the sky was beautiful and blue.
Repeat after me- Woman have Frickin' Super Human Powers. It's not bragging- it's MEDICAL FACT. I remember saying that after the Dr. that diagnosed G said, "I actually do tell you today if he has Autism or not...it doesn't take months like you heard....but I won't tell you today if you would rather wait." And for a second, I was so afraid he wasn't going to tell me, and I needed him to so desperately.
I looked him dead in the eyes and with unwavering and real confidence I said, "No, tell me at the end of today's evaluation. I have Super Human Powers, I can handle it."
Keep that in mind when you are worried about something. You have all the answers you need inside...all the strength you must call on- it is inside right now. It is there, waiting patiently for its call. Whatever it is- your fear- your struggle-your current life story-it is NOT bigger than you.
Somehow one little egg and one little sperm joined together in what can only be called a MIRACLE and fought through many kinds of weather and hardships and made you. Well done, God, well done. We all think of our babies as miracles, but we forget- SO ARE WE. You were someone's baby once too, you sweet little cute thing you, don't you dare forget it. Maybe your Momma or your Poppa didn't treat you like the gift that you are, but that doesn't make it not true.
You are a miracle.
All we ever have is right now- this very moment. How are you doing at this exact moment? I hope good, and I hope happy. Happy with what you have and not thinking about what you want. Not happy in a week from now when something scary looming up ahead is over, but this actual very second... Happy.
It's easy to get caught up in future thinking...waiting for happiness...
If only I could find a boyfriend, I would be so happy...
If only I were engaged, I would be so happy....
Michael and I got engaged when I was 31 and we got married when I was 32. In St. Louis, and in Fresno, 32 is Old-Maid ancient...in LA -it's totally average. I'm glad I waited until I was "older" to get married. For me it meant I was ready.
And then you think...
If only I was done planning this stressful wedding... I would be so happy!
Our First officially married dinner after our honeymoon. Margarita's are our absolute favorite. Combine that with Chips and Salsa, and you've got all your food groups represented.
If only we could buy a house, I would be so happy!....
Our first home; a condo in Hermosa Beach, CA. Ocean-view heaven.
If only I could get pregnant my whole Life would come together...
Itty Bitty G.
Oh man, I would be so happy....
If only I was done being pregnant...I would be so happy!
If only I could loose this baby weight and get my tummy and boobs back, I would be so happy!
If only I could sleep through the night, I would be so happy!
Do I need to go on? because I could. Because then you want more babies, and then a bigger house and then a different car. And a thousand other things I can't even think of right now.
And I know reading these words makes it all sound so simple....
But living it feels so complicated sometimes...
And sometimes it really is complicated, I know...but sometimes...
This second is good.
Be excited for your future, so very excited, because there are so many amazing things awaiting you... but don't wait to be happy.