Frequently I come to the realization that I'm not perfect. And it pains me each time as if it's the first time I'm realizing it. Why can't I wake up earlier so I'm not always rushing around? Why am I always late? Why is my house so fricking dirty? A steady army of ants in the kitchen makes me feel like we are the grossest people on earth. Offensively dirty. Add to that an unshowered Momma wearing the same pants I had on yesterday and I was left feeling deflated.
Tonight a voice inside, I don't know who- maybe God said, Leave the house, Chrissy. Go to the mall. Buy stuff. It makes you happy. Amen.
I am not one to ignore God's calling, so I left. And I drove in the DARK, which leaves me at risk for losing my honorary Golden Girls status, but I'm SO glad I did- because I still swear by the fact that a little retail therapy works wonders on the small things in life. One tiny little black Sephora bag later, and I'm ready to conquer the world.
Going to Speech Therapy is often the highlight of my week. Which is a clear indication that:
A. It's important and fun and helps bridge the gap between Spectrumville and here.
B. I need to get more of a Life.
Parker was having a great session. In the past two weeks he is becoming more receptive to imitating new sounds. When we started speech a YEAR ago, every sound he made started with the letter D. Duh. Da. Dew. Dah. Doo. Dip. For months, only D sounds and mamamama when I would walk in the room (he doesn't call me Mom, but he knows who I am). And finally we are getting B's and M's and lately even--T's. He can say all done, open, ball, more with somewhat consistency. Sometimes when he learns a new sound or skill, he loses another in it's place. It's called autism. It's a frustrating little buggar.
My typical, rational mind understands the road blocks of speaking with autism as best it can. What often happens is the mouth works correctly in theory, but it can't receive proper signals from the brain. A bunch of wires get crossed, and untangling is a difficult task.
Every so often, I get hit by a Forever.
It was happening today when I took this picture. I felt like we had been in Speech for 6 hours already. Maybe days. I looked up at the timer and realized we still had an entire twenty minutes left. Twenty minutes felt like 6 miles left in a marathon. I was so bored and antsy and anxious. I couldn't believe that after going to speech for a year, Parker can- kind of- only say a few words. I was so frustrated with autism. Frustrated that he has to work so incredibly hard to make his mouth move the right way. Then I thought- I am going to have to sit here for another 20 excruciating minutes. And then come here for 3 sessions a week for forever. Honestly for the rest of my LIFE. How am I going to do this forever? Will I ever just start screaming, TALK!!!! JUST TALK!!!!! PLEASE!!!!
And my mind was whirling, and after a few minutes of a downward spiral- I realized what I was doing.
It's sharp, potentially lethal and often leaves a mark in that heavy space inside the middle of chest right above your heart when you're sad. It makes it harder to breathe and think rationally. It comes out of nowhere.
When I was a little girl, forever was a beautiful, hopeful place. The world was mine and I could be anything when I grew up. But I'm up and grown now, and sometimes forever is a terrible place. It's a direct way to syphon out Hope. Forever is often mean and scary and a little bit of a bully because it smacks you around and tries to tell you that you aren't good enough.
Forever sounds like ALWAYS and NEVER and SHOULD and WHAT IF and WHO and HOW and WILL I...
Forever can be a real ass. Luckily there is an antidote. Forever's kryptonite is TODAY. When forever waves its mean and gangly arms in your face, block it with Today. Honestly, it works every time.
I had to write it on my hand during speech to remind myself.
And suddenly it was okay that he can't talk. It's not about me- it's about helping him. It's everything to me.
He's crazy about playing in the beans. And his feet are sometimes like his hands. He tries to eat with them sometimes and feel things with them. It's hilarious.
And watching him after I todayed my forever was a beautiful and sacred thing. I am amazed by Speech Therapists that tirelessly and thanklessly work so hard. Never giving up. Focusing on today the entire time they are with my boys.
Tonight for dinner I got Chinese take out, because I'm fancy like that. Look at my fortune. Sometimes there is no such thing as a coincidence.
Today Greyson went to Typical preschool- he goes once a week. That's one of the best pieces of advice I've been given-- make sure he is around typical children his own age so he can model their behaviors and witness their communication and social exchanges. He's not going to learn those things from other children with autism.
What do you think when you are lost thinking, my bitty G? Some day I hope you can tell me.
Something about being around preschool kids brings all forevering to a halt...they are so sweet and adorable and hilarious and filled with so much wonder and awe. And they are good to my boy, Grey which often makes me cry with happy.
And today was Trash Truck Wednesday. We saw our Friend, Frankie, but I didn't take pictures. So I took these for you instead because sometimes I think I'm pretty funny. Humor me.
All we need to handle is today, and we've got it covered.
The future you have, tomorrow, won't be the same future you had, yesterday.
― Chuck Palahniuk
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