A thousand thoughts are swirling, and I'm looking for a quick break so I can jump right in without interrupting the flow or jostling any thoughts loose.
When I first started sharing my words and my heart and my thoughts, I stayed away from any topic that could be considered controversial.
Autism and vaccines? Forget it- not touching it.
Don't curse- ever, Chrissy. Many find it offensive.
Religion? Egads no- stay far from that.
I feel like God himself told me- For now my little love bug, remain neutral. Many people long to hear real life stories. Stories of acceptance. Work to share what autism looks like for your family- but much more importantly- talk about LOVE. Talk about capital L -LIFE. Talk about what acceptance looks like in your heart. Talk about the things that you struggle with, but more importantly- the places you find beauty, that if it weren't for autism- you wouldn't have thought to look.
And I found myself turning over nooks, looking for beauty...and because I was looking- beauty I found. And in the midst of the chaos and pain, I also recognized a deeper, truer beauty than I ever had witnessed before. And because this blog is a two way street I got to hear from YOU and hear your stories and struggles and your beauty too. It's been an incredible gift of humanity.
It has helped me realize, life will always be broken for all of us, and so to some extent that alone makes it whole and complete. There's never a period of life where everything is perfect and figured out and fixed and solved and tied up into a neat little package with a perfect little twine bow. And that's okay.
The knowledge of this-the fact that we all experience this- is wholly comforting to me. We all find ourselves in moments of waiting for happy. We all error to think- if just THIS then everything would be perfect. But there is no this, because there's always another this but there is never a real and actual place called perfect.
I don't what has come over me, but lately- I've had a cherished confidence that I am doing Parenting more right than not. I realized this last night at midnight, when I was awoken by Greyson's coughing. The coughing turned into hot dog vomiting all over the bed. Confusion quickly turned into extreme parenting, Michael and I working together efficiently as if we had choreographed it the evening before.
Sheet changing and bathing and soothing and cleaning. My poor sweet Grey.
No one can prepare you for this part of parenting...or any part actually. The amazing parts like the love and their smell and their baby feet that then quickly grow into amazing rectangular toddler feet... It feels like love and insanity all mixed together. The hard parts, when you are scared out of your mind. The sad parts, when you wish it wasn't so. The bad parts like a midnight projectile hot dog vomiting junket all over your bed and your body. It's all just so good, even when it isn't.
I kept him home from therapy today.
Clearly he was just dandy.
And lately I have realized that I have been blessed with moments of confidence. The confidence I never even knew was confidence until I compared it to the years of before. The checking and rechecking of the baby monitor. The question of to vaccinate or not. The fear that I was totally screwing them up by holding them "too much" and letting them sleep in my bed. Was I screwing them up with the homemade organic baby food that quickly turned into store bought? What kind of diapers should I get? Glass or BPA-free plastic? Which Doctor? Which school? But as they grow up they get easier...and harder and easier all at once. So I guessed nothing really has changed, but me. I trust that it will all work out to some extent. I wish they sold confident parenting in a pill. That would be awesome.
The funny thing is- I haven't been a better parent by ANY means. I haven't even made less mistakes. I've just been more forgiving of myself after I make them. Like yesterday we went to our favorite frog pond down the street to explore.
It was perfect, until Parker got a little too close to the water.
AFTER. I caught him before he went all the way in. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the SECOND time Parker has fallen into this exact pond on my watch. He actually just walks in- right in front of me. And until the moment he goes in I am thinking- He's not going to actually go into the water- right? He knows better- right?
We were then left with a wet, half naked baby outside in January. Luckily it was 65 degrees out.
Writer, Matt Walsh said, Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do. Tru Dat. Sometimes it's hard to find our one true voice. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is yelling at me. What I should do in Parenting, in marriage, in aging, in weight loss, and pretty much everything in life.
Today I was barraged with messages while scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook. One immediately after the other. Mentally strong people: The 13 things they avoid. 3 social media trends you should know about. The three most destructive words every man hears when he is a boy. 10 things I learned when I stopped yelling at my kids. 6 harsh truths that will make you a better person.
That's just too much to keep track of so I didn't read any of them. I put down my phone and picked up the remote. These are ACTUAL shows that were on TV, also yelling at me.
I Hate My Wrinkles
Air Brushed Beauty
Have Turkey Neck?
Fit in 25 Minutes
Tummy Tuck Miracle: Non Surgical Discovery
Reverse Memory Loss
The Bra Reinvented
Even my US Weekly was a little bit yelling that we all need to be skinnier, especially if we just had a baby. US Weekly- screw off.
JUST STOP. Where can I just come exactly as I am?!!! And I was reminded that for the major aspects of Life and in parenting- we already know the answers. Our gut tells us, and the more confident we get in ourselves, the easier it is to listen to those true and honest words. We don't need to do ten more things, or three things, or 5 things to be a better person/mother/wife or Friend. We just need to do one- find our one true voice. It's a beautiful thing.
Today after I picked Parker up from Behavior Therapy we stopped by The Orange Store. I like fresh fruit even more than I like fresh flowers. Plus in January, we can always use some extra Vitamin C.
Boy do I love him.
And I want to let you know, I love you just the way you are too. You can always come here, I promise not to yell at you.
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