This morning I stood there in the mirror frowning at all my new gray-haired friends. Angry. Annoyed. I still have a month before I get my hair colored. I whip a brush through my mop and give up, gathering it into a pony tail. I don't bother with makeup. No time. Who cares. I've been the crankiest bitch on earth lately. I've hated everything, even the moon. No one hates the moon. I've been snarky and bitter and comparative and glass all mostly empty. Anxious. Irritable. Unsettled. (Hormones.) I finished getting ready and went into the kitchen to get breakfast together for the kids. UGHHHH. WE ARE OUT OF BANANAS. We are ALWAYS out of bananas. I go to pour creamer in my coffee and it's empty. MY LIFE IS RUINED.
I load the car and drive the kids to today's therapy. Get hair colored. Buy bananas. Buy creamer. I start a mental compilation of all the things that need to happen before I can breathe. I caught my angry eyes in the rear view mirror. Hey, I'm on your team, I said honestly to the green eyed girl looking back at me. This day has to change with me. I need to be gentle with myself- maybe that will be a step towards somewhere good.
I dropped the kids off at therapy and as soon as I got back into the car I picked up my phone. Suddenly I stopped myself; social media and grump dog me don't jive. I compare, I snark, I feel bad about myself, then I feel bad for being so immature. Lose lose. I took Facebook off my phone a few weeks ago and have been making a conscience effort to be more present during the quiet moments in my day. I made a decision then to stay away from my phone all day today. Instead I select an ibook - The Pocket Pema Chodron and randomly flipped to a page, hoping Pema would work her magic on me. Pema is a Buddist nun with an edge and often says just the right thing. Check out today's selection.
We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake. Looking at ourselves this way is very different from our usual habit. From this perspective we don’t need to change: you can feel as wretched as you like, and you’re still a good candidate for enlightenment. You can feel like the world’s most hopeless basket case, but that feeling is your wealth, not something to be thrown out or improved upon.
Wow. We are perfect exactly the way we are. Even with gray hair and without bananas. It's funny the things that can cause a morning to tail spin. It's one of the reasons I love to write- it often puts life into perspective for me. All the things that have been bothering me become slick and fly off. I can breathe.
And tonight we met some dear Friends at a local Farmer's Market. Everything about the Farmer's Market is healing.
We had a ball tasting and exploring in this shoes optional life.
How lucky are we- our favorite Farmer's Market is at an outdoor mall?
I'll take the Doodle on the bottom shelf. He's perfect.
While you are tackling your Wednesday just remember, you already have everything you need.
Find me on Facebook
and on Instagram @lifewithgrey
Thank you for this.ReplyDelete
You and Pema. Thank you.
(also, how can i be 44 years old and not know that there are Rainbow Bananas in the world???)
I love reading your posts! It is like you are in my head and writing about my life and my two little boys! It is such a comfort to know I am not the only mom walking out this journey. I laugh out loud at your perspective and i say "WOW, somebody out there gets it!" I am not alone and I am not crazy or at least not the only crazy one out there. More than anything I just love staring at the pictures of your boys! They are beyond beautiful! I look forward to seeing their sweet faces each week!ReplyDelete
Too true! Thank you.ReplyDelete
Yes! I so get that.ReplyDelete
As always - love your words & pictures. Happy Wednesday to you!
Your photos are awesome...wish we had a farmers market like that where I live!ReplyDelete
I just wanted to say I've really noticed a change in your writing lately, maybe since the workshop you went to??. It just seems you reached a deeper level or something, like a filter was removed. One of those compliments that always leaves people thinking, was it bad before? No, absolutely not. Just wanted to encourage you that I've seen a change and like it. Don't even really know the words I'm searching for. vulnerability maybe? Dunno, just like it. :) Erica.ReplyDelete
This. You. Love both!ReplyDelete
Love this post. Love the picture of Parker on the swing- it's also my little one's favorite swing in OT!ReplyDelete