The more I get the more I need.
And so sometimes I must force myself to sit back and just stop wanting- (and especially STOP calling it 'need'). I have to look around at this beautiful life and say, yes, right here. I am enough. This is enough.
I can spend hours looking for the perfect orange throw pillow to match my orange wall (without matching it too much- you know). And then I spend hours looking for the perfect thing to fill said orange wall. Home Goods, Etsy, Craig's list- plus a million others. And not in a- this is fun, decorating my home and making it feel like us. No- in a - boy this room looks so empty and awful and I hate my clothes, and serious this shag rug needs to go like now. I look at my closet and wonder who in the hell bought each item because suddenly I hate every single thing. And the more you look for not enough- the easier it is to find. All day long, I am noticing. Noticing the wrong things and wanting. NEEDING. Needing. Wanting.
I've got all these gifts all around me- and I forget to even notice them- let alone appreciate them.
Today Greyson was so tired after therapy. He even wanted a piggy back ride back to the car. As soon as we got home I started busying around. I saw him sitting quietly on the couch. Do you want a drink? Juice? Banana?
Mom. He said with his arms reaching out. A word I hear so infrequently that it makes time stop while I lose my breath. That's all he needed- me. And so I sat. And at first I struggled. There is so much to do- said that part of my mind that never shuts up. I get into imaginary mind competitions with other moms I see only a snapshot of online or on tv- moms who are doing it better than me in one particular area and I always instantly lose. I'm in a race against no one. And sometimes I forget to simply stop running.
Life isn't a race. Because the first one done dies.
Today I told that voice to shut up. The one that tells me busy and productive is where my worth lies. I told the couch- well hello. I would love to sit on you. And I laid on the couch with Greyson. I appreciated my beautiful and empty orange wall. I appreciated my time with this boy who will soon be going to school every day.
I didn't need a single thing and it felt good. Thank you for that reminder Grey. No matter what my walls or closet or clothes look like- I already have everything I really need.
We had the greatest weekend. I will just start randomly laughing over so many funny things that happened. I am so lucky to have the village I do. Oh friends- after moving to this new town four years ago there were times - years- I felt so alone. I would pray to God- please. I won't ask for anything else. Just help me find real friendship God. I'm so lonely. Help me find people who feel like home. Help me find people who make friendship a priority.
And I've realized in the past few months- holy cow. I think I found my village. My group. My friends who show up for me and let me do the same. They are kind and fun and up for adventure.
Remember Friendship is one of the words I want to focus on in 2015. Because of that- Friday night I hosted our first ever MOPPY HOUR. (Mom- Happy- Hour). Everyone brings food, kids and fun. I supplied the beverage and a baby sitter. We sat and laughed and drank and ate and laughed. Did I mention we also laughed? Yes, we ALL supplied the laughter.
This is my new favorite thing ever- Ginger beer. Even plain. It's not booze beer- it's like root beer. DELICIOUS plain, but it's even better following the recipe on the picture. Moppy Hour Moscow mules. You and your friends should have your very own Moppy Hour. And Moscow Mules.
The village also celebrated a very special Baptism over the weekend. There's nothing like the combination of church + friends.
It was at our old church, a place where the boys feel right at home.
I experienced so many moments over the weekend- where Parker was just one of the boys. Hanging out with the kids. My eyes were in shock and my heart was happy. Little light bulbs always light our way.
And here we are on Super Bowl Sunday. (my Annie is not pictured but she's part of the village. Love you Andrea, Heather, Lisa and Wynema!)
These gals are sooooo much better than matching orange throw pillows.
At the end of the world I don't think God will say- Was your house always in order? Was your orange wall Pinterest-worthy? Did you accomplish your daily to do lists? Were your clothes super cute?
Nope, I think our conversation will be more like- Did you love enough? Were you kind to yourself and others? Did you notice all the gifts and people I picked out especially just for you?
I'm trying God. And thank you.