Thursday, April 30, 2015

dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,
Another profound and ordinary day comes to a close. It's funny- but as I sit here and chat with you all that stands out from the day was good. I don't know if that's because it actually was good or if that's because my current perspective, attitude (and hormones) are in the right place. Whatever it is, I will take it. I don't do this much- just talk to you like a pal, but I want us to be that, so here is my first attempt.

Today we had a meeting for Greyson at his school. It's called an IEP- a document created so schools know best how to educate each specific child with Special Needs.  It involves a lot of charts and assessments and evaluations. It's the third IEP we've ever had. I was so scared before the first two and this one I felt you there with me the entire time. (And yes, I know you were also at the first two- but you know I have a tendency to get inside my own head.) Of course you already know that- because you made me.

There was an entire room full of people at this meeting- all for Greyson. Do you know how happy that makes me feel? And this is the note we started on. The school Psych even drew a picture. 
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She really gets it. I'm so glad she was there. She even talked about how much she loves Greyson's hair. She spent a good minute telling me how amazing it is. As you know that's about 19 minutes too short to do Grey's hair justice, but it will do. 

The way the team describes Greyson makes me so proud that today I didn't even care about tests and assessment scores. Sometimes they form a tsunami of sad and fear and pain that threatens to drown me, but today- it was all good. He does what he does- he can't work any harder than he already does. There is no "more" we should be doing and I am at peace with that. His growth and development is happening in little baby hummingbird wing flaps every day. 

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He's exactly who he is supposed to be. When it is time to add, change or remove from his life, I know you will always show us the way. You are pretty insistent about that stuff. Grey amazes me daily and I see you in the actions and heart of the people that are lucky enough to interact with him. I often think my boys are actually closer to Heaven then us typical folks. 

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This statue is in a garden down the street from our house. Parker talks to you every time we see you there. He grabs your hands and looks into your eyes and just starts babbling non-stop. Last week he stayed there with you for at least ten minutes. Parker moves so constantly that I don't think he does anything for ten minutes long. He just talks to you as I stand there in awe. 

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He even listens too. In fact, he spends more time listening than talking. I think that he's on to something important with that. He is teaching me to listen more to you too. Thanks to my boys I see God on earth. How amazing is that? My eyes well up as I think about all the important assignments you've given me. Thank you for trusting me- I couldn't imagine my world without Greyson and Parker. They are exhausting and amazing.

Parker raises his arms up to me numerous times throughout the day.

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"I- up!" He tells me. And then as I bend down to get him he squeals in excitement and shudders he is so happy. Thank you so much for making me his mom. It is amazing. Thank you for making him be that happy, and thank you for letting me be the cause. It's so overwhelmingly good.

We've been potty training Parker for the last 6 or so weeks and it is finally starting to click to the point that our successes are outnumbering our accidents. 

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Incredible. It's the most grueling parenting thing I've done in a long time. Not because of the physical- but the emotional drain. Does that make sense? In the middle of something big like this I always lose hope and feel like it will never ever happen. I'm certain it won't. And then- long after I ever expected it- it happens. That seems to be a recurring lesson in my life.

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Good thing we had chocolate to help us.

I'm blown away by the enormity of being alive today. I went for a walk with a friend this evening as the sun was beginning to set. The light was golden and perfect. I took a million pictures with my mind. We talked about you and life and it felt like therapy. Life is astounding, and most days I don't even remember that. Today I am grateful I remembered. 

The other night I was getting ready to fall asleep. I set my alarm, took a drink of water, plugged my phone in and grabbed our dog, Jack like I always do. I buried my nose deep in his fur and breathed him in. I'm certain my blood pressure lowers every night at this time. He's been with us for 7 years, and I don't want to be on earth without him. The love I feel for him just washed over me and I started to cry. Big fat tears dropped onto his fur. All I could think was- I love him so much. Why can't dogs live as long as we do? I cried thinking about the day that I won't even remember his smell. How will I live then? Love and pain lie so close together sometimes, Jesus.

My friend Wendy sent me this quote today and it spoke to me in my core.

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I usually get so caught up in the human stuff that I forget what matters most. 

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Today I'm glad I remembered. Thank you.

All my love,



  1. Thank you for the inspiration. This made me cry.

  2. What a wonderful post. You gave me so much to think about, so thank you. Blessings to you and your boys, (and hubby and dog too, of course)

  3. Amen and amen and amen. So beautifully said - all of it.

  4. Beautiful! You also got me with the dog..... we have a 10 year old pup. Her age is starting to catch up with her and the littles are starting to ask questions about what will happen to her. Its heart breaking :(

  5. These two things: "He's exactly who he is supposed to be.", " I am at peace with that." I think those are the keys to happiness. I know the issues I have with my boy are not nearly the same as what you face with yours, but I can recall the testing and the therapy and the specialists we went to when he was younger. And I remember the realization that my son is exactly who God made. My job is to help him reach his full potential - whatever that looks like. And that is where the peace comes in. God did a good job with our boys and a great job pickin their mommas :)
    Love & happiness to you, sweet momma xoxoxo Miracle

  6. Amen, Chrissy! There is kids and nature are the two things I think are guaranteed to bring you closer to God. Sometimes I look at my kids and the people they are becoming and do the same thing you do here--thank God so much for letting me be their custodians on earth. They are such incredible people!

  7. Maureen from ChicagoApril 30, 2015 at 4:30 PM

    Thank you! I wish I had half as much focus in work as Doodle seems to have with opening a Hershey's kiss. Nice work in helping him figure out this milestone!
    My two kids are typical, but I know how hard it is to find a school and teachers that really and truly see your kids for the people they are. It must have felt sooo good to walk out of the IEP meeting knowing that Greyson is in such good hands. Nice work finding this place for him!

  8. I read your post all of the time, and it is so wonderful to see your journey with Greyson and Parker! But this post was especially touching. To see Parker holding the hands of Jesus. Wow. I couldn't stop looking at that image. It's all Jesus wants us to do, hold on to Him, talk and as Parker has listen. :)

  9. Amen and amen!......And your photography, as always, is phenomenal!

  10. Test scores never tell the whole story, and sometimes get it completely wrong. Thanks for this important reminder for parents and school folks, Chrissy!

  11. Beautiful words! Thank you for sharing them with us.