The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I'm breathing now.
I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing
We are smack dab in the middle of Summer. Rotating smoothly in the machine of our routines; I can almost hear them hum. The ending of the school year was hard because it meant our routine would change. The world is familiar with growing pains. The autism world is familiar with an additional term: transition pains. We feel them deep and big and wide here, anytime there is change in the wind. Sometimes big, sometimes small. But they are there, punctuating life. I have felt them, long before I even became a Momma. Life blows and change whirls up around you. But I just got here, I always think. And we plant our legs and roots and search for comfort again.
Pause for just a second. Take a deep breath in. Exhale. Slow down time for just a moment. Are you in a moment in transition, or are your machines rotating. Either way- it's exactly where you are supposed to be.
Now, I pause and remember for just a moment- our machines are rotating, life is the same. It is good. We are status quo. But it is boring and aching the living daylight out of me. It reminds me that I do, in fact like a little bit of change to feel balanced. I'm always searching for balance.There's so much I want to do and say and write. But like the song lyrics above state: instead I sleep.
I will embrace my days. Live my simple life with intent. Remember that this ebb and flow is natural and necessary. And so is sleep. I often go to bed at night, exhausted, but not really feeling like I accomplished something.
I remind myself that life is not a completed mental list of daily or weekly accomplishments. Life is not a row of check marks that must be checked off for worth. What is life though? A question that usually runs on a loop somewhere in my always thinking mind. What is life if it is not change, and it is not staying the same? I guess Life is letting go. Not needing or trying to make Life into one particular thing. Life is change and it's the same. It's easy and it's so freaking hard. It's loss and pain and goodness and God. It's not simply identifying yourself with your nouns- Mom, Police Officer, Runner, Teacher, Sister, Friend, Husband, Student. Life is constantly changing, and amidst the change- it is letting go.
It's one of my 2016 intentions, "Letting go".
I know most of the time when I feel that awful elephant on my chest, when I can't go a real breath in, when I am feeling stuck or unworthy or afraid- chances are, I am holding on to something I shouldn't. Pain. The past. Expectations of my life and other people in it. I am SO GOOD at holding on to all that crap. If I could just free up that mind space, maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted.
What would it feel like if you just decided to let go? I think for me, it would be so scary and so good. A little pain is always required in the realm of change.
Some scenes from Summer...
This happened tonight. And Lifetime could totally turn this into a horror movie. Scary music would play as the unsuspecting mom grabbed a cart, without realizing that both her young boys got their own kiddie cart from hell. She never knew what was coming and didn't even have time to put the kabosh on the kid carts because the small blond one was already running in circles around the banana stand. Seriously, I was yelling and laughing and then pretending not to laugh as mostly Parker RAN at full speed yelling, READY, SET, GOOOOOO!!!!!!! Oh man, the looks I got. I mean, come on woman- you have a whole other foot right on the end of your other leg. And I still need to go to the grocery store tomorrow, because I didn't get half of what I needed. We just needed to get the hell out of there. And it was scary and hard, but we tried. I tried. And at the end of the day- those are some of my favorite parenting memories. Be proud because you tried, not because it was perfect. (Because it so wasn't).
A totally out of the norm last week at lunch celebrating my friend Lisa's birthday.
My wonderful parents were in town at the end of June.
Adventures in bowling. Has the potential to be another scary movie, but this excursion wasn't so bad.
Greyson showing Grandpa the cars he wants.
As I look through this pictures I am filled with just a moment of peace. Living and accomplishing things are two very different things. And maybe, just maybe our worth from living, being and loving, is so much more important than accomplishing.
So much love,
PS- Miss you Mom and Dad. xoxo