I believe that you are much much too hard on yourself. I'm talking to both of us, so listen up us.
I believe that a flushed face after exercise and a song you play over and over and over again, and belly laughs with a friend over the most ridiculous thing are reminders of how good it feels to be alive. Touchstones, a quintessential part of a life well lived.
I believe life is hard for every single one of us. We all want to quit. We all feel like we are failing in 4 out of 7 of our life categories. Or maybe it's more like 14 out of 27. I don't know- I didn't pass the required math class for a Communications Management Major until my Senior year. And I think it was my third time taking it.
I believe that whatever you look for, you will find. I feel so sad for the people who only look for bad, but pretend like that's actually all that exists.
I believe that we wear our pain in our body, and we simply must get it out. Last year I had to get a tooth pulled to prepare for a dental implant (YES! It's as fun as it sounds!). As I felt the most intense pull and heard the crack of the roots release, I wanted to start to scream and sob. Not because it hurt, (thank God I was numb). But because I could feel this stored sadness and fear and anxiety coming out, deep in my bones. It was in incredibly intense feeling, and a reminder that we must talk, or write or exercise or create these feelings out. An occasional cry or adult beverage works too, unless it's daily. A lot of people drink to get their feelings out, but it doesn't work. It just hides them like dust swept under the bed. It adds up.
What a week. It was shorter, life was closed on Monday for Labor Day. I'm giddily anticipating Friday. Yes, giddily is a word- as a non-math, Communication Major, I should know.
I think a lot about what the boys' futures might look like. Sometimes those thoughts come like demons in the middle of the night. Note: nothing productive comes from those late night sessions, yet at times, they still occur. "It's time for sleep, I will not entertain you right now," I tell them. Sometimes it works.
I know the boys are brilliant, and talented and so much more intelligent than any test can show. I don't say that in a patronizing or wishful way- it's a damn fact. As they get older, meetings and evaluations discuss long term plans. Vocational Goals. Job Skills. That is often the part of the meeting where I am physically sitting there but I go to Sephora or Cancun in my mind. If there was an overload alarm I would be blinking and beeping.
I've been thinking hard about what life will look like when they age out of services. For some therapies- like Behavior Therapy- that's coming up very soon. Thank you Managed Care! I like you as much as dental implants! That's when I came up with the idea to ride the current social media/world trend and do "Content Creator" or "influencer" work with the boys. The "i" word- influencer-seriously makes me want to gag. I instantly picture a perfectly groomed girl with 22' beaded row extensions, and tarantula eyelash extensions, constantly using the word, "obsessed" to describe anything they find decent enough to promote. The truth is, we are all influencers in our lives and in the world. Influence: the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. It's a noun/verb that should never be used recklessly. Ok I'll stop. I am madly in love with words and their meaning so sometimes I get a little too literal with the ones that feel sacred to me.
But I love shopping, living and sharing. And my boys do too, plus, they are pretty darn cute. Parker and I made a video asking for help to get to 10,000 followers on Instagram. That is sometimes a minimum milestone brands and companies look for. It's called "micro-influncer" omg, I hope you are laughing too. Maybe I'm just too old for this shit. 😂 (Hey! I just realized I can put emojis on here now!)
There were lots of shares and kind words. I was like- This is AWESOME! We will get 1,800 and totally hit 10,000 and more! I will do whatever it takes to make this happen.
Now, six days later, We still need 1,477. I even had a few unlikes today (thanks buttholes, WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?! 😂) My mindset is- This is stupid. We will NEVER hit 10,000. And I don't care anyway. In fact, I quit trying to get to 10,000. I don't care! We can do this without that number.
I've realized this is almost always my middle mind set when something is hard. (Fine! I didn't want you anyway!) But when I stick with it- through the hard part, through the vulnerable parts- that's when I succeed. When I excel. When I tackle it like a full time job and I'm employee of the month. I'm ready for my plaque.
Anyway, since I've started writing this post, I remembered, truly, it's never going to be about numbers for me- connections and creation are so much more meaningful to me. The most important influencer we will ever be is the one inside our own home.
So Much Love,