The Search for est

I want to live a good story, and sometimes good stories are hard to live. Actually, there is no such thing as a great story that is also easy. I remind myself of that when life feels like too much. 

I love the book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I love to read, but I think this is the only book I've read multiple times and still think about.
It's a true story about a man named Donald Miller, who wrote a best-selling memoir. Some important folks wanted to make a movie of his memoir, so Miller helped to write the screen play. But to make his life story more interesting and a better movie- they had to add more heart, more risk, more loss, more love, and it made Donald realize just how easy it is to write a good story, and if we know the elements that go into writing a good story...

Why don’t we just live that good story in the first place?
And so in order to write a better story-he started to actually live a better story. 

What if we looked at our own life with writer’s eyes? Would we take more risks? Would we simply cherish what we already have more? What would we do differently?

Growing up I desperately wanted to be the est. Unfortunately, I wasn’t est at anything. Not the smartest, not the fastest. Not the sportiest. Not the tallest or cutest or prettiest. I was ok at a lot of things but not great at anything. 

I mean bless my awkward, 13 year old, mullet sporting, plastic earring wearing, turquoise turtleneck heart.

I tied my worth to this lack of est. it was a long string so it followed me everywhere through life. I felt like I needed to be est to be loved. More importantly, I felt like I needed to be est to love myself. 

Then I was blessed to become a mom. And unfortunately, I transfered my love for est on them. I already knew they were the CUTEST.

Tell me I'm wrong- SEE! The CUTEST!

But I hoped they would also be the kindest. The fastest. The smartest! I thought I wanted this for them, but no one really needs to be the est to be loved and adored and appreciated. To matter. To impact the world. To be happy. I wanted their est for me. 

Then autism came along, and attainment of those est began to fall away. In watching my boys BE themselves without apology or expectations, I learned how to become myself. I’ve discovered I am the Chrissy’est person I’ve ever met. And the unique combination each one of us is- is what makes us remarkable. Incredible. 

My boys are so incredibly special, in ways hard to articulate. They are unicorns in a world of horses. They look similar, but just shouldn't be compared. They remind me that it's good to be different, while somehow also showing me- we are all more the same than we realize. They help me live a hard, good life. Sometimes I need a nudge to continue to write a better one.

As long as we are growing in life, (and I hope I always am), there will always be someone better than me. Better writers, better moms, better cooks, better humans. But everyone from famous actors, to your favorite authors to rock stars have suffered from imposter syndrome. There is always going to be someone more successful, more talented, more together, more beloved. But if we focus on someone else’s blessings, we can’t see our own. What a tragedy. 

I realize, my boys worth can’t be measured in est. What a stupid finish line to shoot for, and one that sucks all the joy out of their own unique soul and vibration. Their life has taught me- You  don’t need to be est to be loved, and to be happy, to feel purpose. You just need to be you. It doesn’t matter if we’re the best…it matters if we are OUR best. 

And you are the very best you. I promise.

It can feel hard- to learn to cherish your own shiny self, exactly the way you are. But I’m learning from some seriously amazing teachers and experiences- and I’m hopeful you are open to this lesson too.

My Teachers