Monday, March 25, 2024

be ok

I like to put words into feelings. Sometimes it helps me to name them. (Sad, happy, anxious, melancholy...) Describe them. Understand their origin and backstory. All of this work creating a door inside that is able to then release them.

But sometimes feelings just need to be felt. Not prodded or labeled or poked. The words we tell ourselves aren't always accurate. We aren't as omniscient of narrators as we would like to think. It's not that we mean to lie, it's just that we are stuck in the stories we tell ourselves. It's never ever too late to tell a different story.

Remember driving without stress or care, windows down, weather perfect, a song that explicitly matches your mood blasting on the radio? You just feel. I mean if you HAD to describe it, you could. But it wouldn't accurately describe how simple and free and good it feels. 

Sometimes, we just need to feel

It's been a little over 6 months since we moved from California to Missouri. The sharp grief of loss is slowly being replaced with acceptance and new normals. I can tell you, we are much more the same than different. When it's cold we complain about it. When it's hot we complain about the heat. Most people don't know how to drive in the rain. Most people think the boxes we check (girl/boy, republican/democrat, black/white) make us more different than the same. 

Recently I was listening to a new podcast called MeSsy with Christina Applegate and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. Both ladies are dynamic actors, truth tellers, gritty, and witty as hell- and they have MS. But this isn't a podcast "about MS" because we are never the one thing that simple minded people might use to quickly label us. While listening I was overcome with its relatability. Not because MS has been a part of my life, but simply because they are human beings trying to navigate some of life's unexpecteds. It was such a great reminder that: it's ok to temporarily not be ok, we are never just one thing, and something that makes our life harder can ALSO bring us into a realm so authentic that it makes you stronger, better and realer than you ever could have written into existence.  (You can listen to MeSsy HERE.)

People who haven't been through HLT (hard life thing) often don't know what to say, so they say something that makes us feel more lonely. "You have MS? At least it's not ALS!" (toxic positivity- fun!)  " My neighbors Aunt had MS." ( there more to this story?) "You are such an inspiration!" (because of a diagnosis? Ok).

We've all heard it based on our HLT. "Your son has autism? I know about that- can he do Masters level Quantum Physics?" (Nope- He's a Freshman and working on 1st grade math currently.) I believe people mean well and want to connect, but like I mentioned, not all feelings we try to convey can be translated into words.

Yes, it's freaking hard (life). But sometimes I am overwhelmed with the beauty this unexpected world contains in this parallel existence. 

 Like Parker at Special Olympics Swimming Practice. It's literally a highlight of my and his week.

Some Scenes from Spring Break...

The last time I was at Vintage Vinyl on The Loop it was 1999, and I was buying a new CD for my roadtrip to California. I can't believe it's still there. It smells exactly the same- like burning incense, and endless youth and possibility. And here I am now, exactly the same and not at all. It's never too late to tell a different story.

Whatever burden it is you are holding, you aren't doing it alone. It's so easy to shrink and hide and believe that- but remember- sometimes our own words don't always know the truth. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us- "Maybe you aren't right now, but I promise you are going to be OK."

So, here I am my friend. You are going to be OK. (Chances are- so much more than OK in fact.)



1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this post! I was recently diagnosed with an incurable chronic pain disease and it’s been really hard to navigate my feelings about it. I’m a very active 53 year old mom of 5. This has changed my whole life and sometimes just a short walk makes things worse. I’m definitely going to check out MesSy. Glad you guys are settling in your new home.