the start of summer

Our time on earth is so finite. I learned that at three years old when my brother was hit by a car and killed near our house. Maybe that’s why I love so big. Why I cry over the simple things like the ending of a school year. Why I loved pouring my whole heart into each classroom I was lucky enough to substitute teach in this year. 

Gosh- there is so much good in this world. So many people that are so freaking lovable. The school custodian breaking his back vacuuming and working until midnight. The woman at the bus stop, going to school at night after working at a fast food restaurant all day. So many people and so many stories of good. We don't even have to know people to love them.

And sometimes we've known someone a long time and we get to love them too. There are no guarantees of time with the people we love. Each goodbye could be our last. The amount of love we can give is truly infinite, but the time we have is not. So love as big as you can as long as you can. Grief and love are so similar because they are both actually love. 

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The bar is so low for our Summer that we are doing the limbo over here. WHO is supposed to be entertaining these kids?! (I swear I'm not qualified.) Parker is 13 and Grey is a week away from turning 15. 

This is the sign on Parker’s door. Please note: I am the only girl that lives here. He is 13ing SO HARD, and I am on his short list of people he's just not that into. That is unless he needs access to fast food or Target.

For the most part, I'd say 98% of the time, I’ve welcomed their growing independence. Cherish the tiny things that make life easier. Their ability to dress and feed themselves- literally. Things hard fought and won due to autism and accomplished years after same age typical peers. They are growing into more independent young humans and it's awesome.

But 2% of the time their teenage aloofness has my feelings are hurt, or I get angry, or just plain sad. I just miss the small version of him that would curl his arms around my neck so tight.

I miss the kid who thought I hung the moon and would laugh hysterically when I tried to be funny. The one who begged for one more god awful round of Baby Shark. One more push on the swing even though my arms were going to fall off. Being a Mom was so physically hard, and there were moments I was desperate to NOT be so needed. But it was such a sacred time in life where you offer your entire soul to helping to grow someone else's- it's parenting when they are little.

This is the process, the circle of life many have walked before me and many will after. I accept. I am grateful for it too. We all talked about how freaking hard babyhood is, but we don’t really talk about this part as much. How it feels to be less needed and less adored. (Sigh). If you are in the thick of parenting little ones- I'm so proud of you. You are doing awesome.

There are hard parts and good parts in every stage, I remember. I don't have to push anyone on a swing. Now we can go out to eat at restaurants without being an absolute mess. Parker and I love to drive around and listen to music. He's currently on a 90's kick. I actually love hanging out with these teenagers.

Some sinus cold funk circulated through our house which left me in bed for a couple of days. The boys diet consisted of iPads and TV. Today I was fully ready to be human so I forced the only inside outing I could fathom- the mall. I know- still awful. I’ve been purposefully driving the route opposite the community pool near our house. I need green beret skills, and physical health and to be mentally prepared. Perhaps we’ll go on Grey's bday. Parker loses all cool and the ability to hear adults when it comes to high up swirly slide. When the attendant says- you need to be sitting - Parker goes headfirst before the person in front of him has landed. So we have to go UP THE JILLION stairs to monitor him and sometimes he will still pull a ninja move and change poses at the last second as we are running back down the narrow people filled stairs you are only supposed to go up  yelling- I SAID NO HEAD FIRST NO MORE SLIDE FOR YOU!!! Hoping to catch him at the bottom before he runs off to his next location.

I'm off to hopefully buy cute Summer shoes- all on my own. Kids at home and perfectly content on their own.I don't have to beg my husband to stay with them as he texts me, "how much longer???" every hour.  Maybe this stage isn't so bad at all.