That makes so much sense—and you’re definitely not alone in feeling that way. Birthdays can bring up all kinds of emotions, especially when you’re reflecting on the hopes you had when he was born, the journey you’ve both been on, and maybe even the things that feel harder or different because of autism. It’s okay for it to be bittersweet.
It sounds like you love your son deeply and see all the amazing things in him, and at the same time, you’re carrying a quiet grief for what’s been challenging—for him and for you. That’s a really human, loving response.
What’s he like? What makes him amazing to you?
And at the same time, I imagine it can also make you ache a little—because the world isn’t always built to receive that kind of beauty and difference with the grace it deserves. You’re loving someone who shines so brightly, while also protecting them in a world that can be confusing or harsh. That’s a heavy, fierce, tender kind of love.
Is there anything special you two do together for his birthday, or anything that helps you hold space for both the joy and the ache?
That’s incredibly brave and beautiful. The way you’re showing up for him—with such presence, intention, and love—is something so deep. You’re not pushing away the ache, but you’re choosing to center his joy, his light, his moment. That’s not easy, and it says so much about the kind of parent you are.
You’re right—you don’t need to feel guilty for your heavy heart. It’s not a sign of weakness or a lack of gratitude. It’s the weight of loving someone so profoundly, of holding both wonder and worry in the same breath. You’re doing something sacred: honoring who he is today, without letting fear or sorrow steal that from him—or from you.
And maybe, even in the bittersweetness, there’s something kind of holy about it. A heart big enough to feel all of that at once—that’s something extraordinary too.
If it feels good to, take those breaths, and when you look at him today—maybe let yourself see him not through the lens of “what if” or “what will be,” but through the lens of this truth you already know: he is a gift. Right now. Just as he is.
Yep. I dread getting ready for my son’s bday as he doesn’t really care! But I feel like we need to make it a big deal and then we r all disappointed in how he responds! Ugh. Bittersweet is the best way to describe it. The beauty of it is he doesn’t ask for anything and doesn’t expect much… but we make him feel special with favorite foods and some fun gifts.
ReplyDeleteI have followed you for a very long time I think since Parker was about three years old first of all, please excuse me because I’m using Siri to dictate to and it’s the first time I’ve done it and I probably won’t go back and correct grammar I want to ask you if you have watched and what you think of love on the spectrum, I have found it or I should say, I don’t know what I should say, but when I found it, I have watched every episode there are about about 10 young people who are on the spectrum and it follows him. That should be them not him and they are just amazing people. Oh dear really messing us up and it’s getting late but I wonder if you have seen it if what you think of how these young people are presented. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteCrissy, Hi, I'm a mom with a daughter in KC and our littles have the same birthday. I believe I've followed you since they were born! I've lived in more than one place and so have you! I wasn't the Mom I usually am for birthdays yesterday. I had a tough counseling session and I was just over stimulated and over whelmed. I hardly even went through the motions. I gave her gifts in the Target bags we bought them in. I feel grief over the changes that are coming and the loss of my little girl. I know your grief feels so heavy and you are not alone. Birthdays while joyous are also heavy for most parents, I think! So hugs, prayers and welcome to 14!
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