to be or not to be (grateful)

Boy is grateful easy when things are good. 

I started this post over about a week ago, when I was high on life or sugar or maybe it was just estrogen. They probably weren't, but my ducks felt lined up. Or maybe I was just cool with the discombobulated and zig zagging pattern they always seem to gravitate towards. 

Then life stepped in, Parker got sick, Lucy the dog overdosed on Xylitol gum, (which is highly toxic) and to do list items that keep getting carried over to the next day, looming heavy like lead over the horizon. Some of the thing really were weighty, some weren't but certainly felt it. Perspective is my super power, but sometimes it falls short. The mental load of motherhood and humanhood combined can feel so crushing at times that I frequently have to remind myself, "Only today's shit- that's all you need to tackle." 

I kept waiting to finish this post, waiting until I’m buzzing in gratitude again. But at the end of the day I find myself drained of energy and gratitude. Instead focusing on what I wish was, but isn't. What I want but don’t have. The problem that happened instead of the solution. Focusing on what I need to do to feel “done” or that elusive sense of accomplishment. I love being a woman, we get shit done. But the price of required independence can be loneliness. 

The other day Greyson and Parker were tucked in my bed, watching tv. Parker looked under the covers and ahhhhhed, completely aghast. "Greyson! You have two legs! Look at that Greyson! You have two long legs! Wow!”

His eyes were raised and filled with wonder, and his mouth was agape in awe. The best part- he wasn't kidding. It was just he had just discovered legs existed, and realized his big brother had two long ones. He said it like it was amazing, and then I realized- he said it that way because it IS amazing. Do you know when someone is the MOST grateful for legs? If they lose the ability to use them. That’s how it works sometimes- we lose something amazing and then wonder- how did I forget to realize how astonishing they were every single day of my life?! 

I remember one early morning drinking coffee with my legs tucked under me on the couch. Through the front window of my home, I could see my 80 year old neighbor getting his newspaper from the end of his driveway. He was a strong and witty man, and when we spoke I could envision him at 40, for he was still capable and young at heart. He inched slowly behind his walker, pausing after each step. I was torn, wanting to run outside to help him, but I was also in my pajamas and I didn’t want to wake my kids or hurt his pride. He was once a strong man, and letting people do for you can hurt a strong man's pride. I ran outside the front door and I made some excuse like I was outside getting my paper too and I wanted to say hello. He sat on ledge of his walker and shared that Peripheral neuropathy made it hard to even move anymore without pain. A task as simple as getting his morning newspaper left sweat on his brow.

That day I honored my legs in a way I don’t think I ever have before in my life. I was grateful that I could drive with these legs of mine. I could walk through the grocery store with ease. I could exercise without pain. What a gift- legs! Why wasn't that something I noticed more often? I promised I would try not to take my limbs for granted. 

But I forgot until Parker's exclamation, "Look at that Greyson, you have two long legs". And now I take a moment to give it thought and to wonder how many simply astonishing things surround me daily that I don’t even pay attention to.

We can’t wait until our to do list is cleared and our problems are solved to practice gratitude. We will be left bitter and old.

We can’t focus on the short straws we’ve pulled if we want to be grateful and happy. notice what we are grateful for. Our estranged family members, our shitty job, our divorce… We all have a compiled list of burdens to carry and hardships to endure. They can feel like a big part of our existance, even if they aren't. The more we focus on them, they bigger they actually grow.

We can’t bitterly count someone else’s blessings while counting our own.

We know this, yet we forget. Because life is so short and so long and so hard. Sometimes the only thing stopping us is the reminder that it matters. 

Here is your reminder- it matters. Gratitude shifts your focus from what's missing to what matters. Joy grows where good is noticed. Gratitude doesn't get rid of the hard stuff, but it helps you focus instead on the good and helps the load feel lighter. It doesn't erase the dark, but instead reminds you there is always light.

Little light bulbs are bright enough to lead the way.

I am grateful that after lots of medical care and an overnight stay, Lucy is home and recovering well.

I am grateful for Greyson's long legs too. Today he weighed 136 pounds and measured almost 5'4" at his annual physical today that I have been putting off for ions but finally erased from the To Do list.

I am grateful for this amazing kid who turns 14 tomorrow.

Tell me friend, what are you grateful for?