Thursday, February 4, 2010
June 7th was the day that you exploded into the world. I love that date. June 7th is a magical song that I sing. I was so scared Grey...not of the actual birth...that was almost easy. It was everything after that when my hands started shaking and my heart started racing. When you were inside my belly, it was easy. Life was so easy, but of course I didn't realize it in the moment. But then you came out and I was so nervous. I was a mom. I was responsible for you. And now I had seen you and met you and realized that you were so small and so sweet and so innocent and so painfully perfect, and deserved everything exceptional in the world and I was so scared that I would screw it all up. The first night I didn't sleep at all. I just kept staring at this tiny little blue eyed baby doll lying next to me in a bassinet. You were so still and so quiet, so sweet and innocent, doing great at just being a baby. I had no clue what I was doing though. What did that cry mean? It sounded different than the one earlier. What am I supposed to do to get him to stop? Do I need to change him? Feed him? Bounce him? I don't know what to do- and those "motherly instincts" I heard about seem to be failing me now.
I felt so badly for you! What must this poor little guy be thinking?! His entire Universe just got flipped upside down and backwards! His safe, warm, cozy dark nest just turned into a loud, bright, scary circus adventure and marching band. I ached and longed to make you feel safe and loved, yet I didn't know just how to make sure I was doing that for you. I know I protected you in the hospital- like a mother bird. I cried when you were poked or hurt. I would hold you tight and whisper in your ear, "We are going to make it through this. We'll be alright." The learning curve for both of us has been huge. My heart has grown bigger than the entire Universe. The love is almost painful, and I feel so much awe and reverence for Motherhood...for you...I hope you will always let me love you this whole-heartedly, no apology, laugh out loud amazingly so.
at 5:15 PM