I really like Animal Crackers. I mean really really like them. They have to be a certain kind--not the crumbly kind...no- they have to be crisp, light golden in color and taste like vanilla heaven. I only let myself indulge in them for my nighttime snack- because if I started eating them in the middle of the day, I'd never stop. I romance each cookie...thoughtlessly popping each leg into my mouth first....next goes the head....and then finishing with the body.
I've never met anyone that likes Animal Crackers as much as me........until now....


















Something else I find amazing...the expressions that find their way onto your face. You have at least a million, yet every day are still coming up with new ones that amaze me. Some of them are very serious. Some of them are hysterically silly. In one, you squish your entire face up in a smile that goes from the top of your head to the bottom, you squish your face so much that you can't breath through your nose---but it doesn't stop you from trying...so you're left with the smiley squishy face making this fantastic snorty noise. I wish I could showcase them all for you on here. There's no way my camera could even capture them because the next thing I know I grab my camera and then something catches your eye and you are on to expression number 3, 674.
Some of my favorites....

It's always better when we're together...

We're so lucky to live in a time and a place where there's so many places we can go together. Kid friendly is my new favorite phrase. It's funny how priorities change....now when I think about where we should go out to dinner on a Friday night my first thought is- Do they have highchairs?
You are conveniently pint sized and ready to take anywhere, my little snackpack, Greyson. I can jog with you--thanks to our great and fancy stroller. I can and have taken you to church, the mall, the grocery store, the beach, an airplane, the dog park...I could go on and on. Today we added a new one to the list. You and I went to Mommy & Me Yoga at a place called Yoga Works. I wasn't sure what to expect. I payed my $22 dollars and collected my blue borrowed yoga mat. There were 7 other momma/baby duos. The babies age ranged from 11 weeks to 5 months- and then there was YOU, my Force of Nature, can't stay still for a second, little 11 1/2 month old tornado. You immediately began crawling on the vast bamboo flooring, darting from place to place. I was already getting a work out- collecting you from all over the room. We went around the room, introduced ourselves and our littles. I let the instructor know that you are not a fan of staying still (all the other babies were young and content to lie on their back while staring at the ceiling coo'ing.) She told me that you were free to roam the room- go hog wild. I was envisioning the hurricane of You, blasting into a little half your size and I grew nervous.
The beginning of the class was yoga just for Moms. I tried to stretch my rusty limbs but found myself focusing on You and where You were....the instructor kept looking at me, looking at You. She said to me- "He's fine. It's OK", so I tried to let go...a little. Strrreeettttccccchhhhh- I spy Greyson shaking a rattle near a little baby girl...I'm thinking, "Please, don't hit her with that rattle." You got a little close for comfort and the girl's momma gently corrected you...I began to feel better...at home. You see, this isn't the first time "we" have done yoga. For months we did prenatal yoga together on Wednesday nights.
It's so much fun to experience so many firsts with you, every single day.

signs

Greyson,
Sometimes when we need it most, life will give us a sign and help point us in the right direction. Who knows, maybe it really is just a coincidence...but it helps us feel like we are doing the right thing--and hey, that's OK too. So we've made the decision to rent our condo in Hermosa Beach, and rent a Townhome in Fresno. I've been struggleling with the decision...wondering why I ever even thought it was a good idea in the first place....but tonight I remembered, and suddenly all my fear and second guessing has evaporated.
You and I went to the grocery store tonight. I was wearing you in the Bjorn and we were walking around having little conversations like we always do, carrying on like we were the only two lovebirds in the store. A nice old lady came up to me and commented on how beautiful you are. She then said, "you're a stay at home mom, aren't you? I was a teacher for 20 years and you can always tell the stay at home moms because of the difference in their children. You can tell every time." I was able to proclaim, with pride, "I will be in about 4 weeks." She said, "It is the best gift you can give to your child." So, oneday you will only know me as your mommy...not as a working professional. In fact, I might even bore you with my, "When I used to work...." stories. You'll just have to bear with me on that one.
I'm so excited for you and for me and for dad and for us.
I love you.

You Turn One

I scrunch my forehead down and wonder--how in the world can I describe the feelings that come with your upcoming first birthday? No words could justify the magic of that day, and all the subsequent days that have come pouring out afterwards. Every time I start to write about it I get lost in daydreams of the past.....dreams for the future and that slow , sweet beautiful, painful mothers' love melts over me. I remember that feeling of the anticipation of You, a You I had never met yet knew with my soul. Waiting, as patiently as possible, which for me is not that patiently, for the sweating and pushing and the crowning and the hard work to begin, because I was never more up for a task in my life.....All while listening to the beautiful melody of the beeps and hum of the machines hooked up to me, monitoring you. You. We were One, and it was time for me to say goodbye to that. Saying goodbye to my occasionally lopsided belly from your movements, goodbye to that tap tap I would feel at night, Goodbye to the your twice daily hiccups that tickled my belly and would wake me up from napping...Goodbyes are hard, and moving on is hard....but we can choose to dwell on that, or we can glow in the excitement of the "what comes next", and it is a choice.....

I was organizing and storing your teenie baby clothes, a task that made me feel so good, so sad, so proud, so nostalgic..so many more things...all at once. Your clothes....so little. If I didn't have pictures of you in them I wouldn't believe you were ever so tiny that they fit you. I remember being pregnant- sitting on the couch watching TV and dad comes home....proud....holding a GAP bag. Inside he beams an anticipatory smile as he pulls out a onesie -he turns to show me the front..it reads..."I've Arrived." and the next thing I know I am crying at the realness of You...at the sweetness of Dad...and it was one of those perfect moments.

I remember finding out that you were a boy. Dad was out of town for my Dr. appointment. I knew that the doc should be able to tell your gender by this time and there was no way I was waiting until the next month to find out. This was a slight dilemma because I also wanted us to find out at the same time. I brought in a blank "baby shower" card and asked the doc to write his guess on it, then immediately seal it up so I couldn't peak. He said, "I'm not 100%, so please don't buy anything blue or pink based on this guess."
I picked Dad up from the airport that night and we opened this card together...


I remember finally seeing you after so many months of waiting. I can't find the right words to explain what that felt like. Adrenaline, heart skipping exhaustion, mad, crazy perfect love. You were placed in my arms and the rest of the room seemed to vanish...except for you, and me and dad. And dad and I soaked you up and took in every little tiny detail. Your ears....just like mine....your right ear was folded forward and stayed that way for months...your upper cupid bow lip like dad's...your fingers were perfect and long and purple. You had a strip of hair around the perimeter of your head. Dad called it "Mr. Whipple" hair...your eyes were a stormy ocean blue, not yet the bright and beautiful clear blue sky they are now, but beautiful still and Crayola couldn't duplicate it if they tried.
You were so big to be all folded up in my little belly, but so tiny to be outside in the big universe. You were real, and I couldn't quite believe it. It was you all along I realized. An honest to goodness baby. Suddenly all the memories of your kicks and moments of talking to you in my belly, seeing you in ultrasounds- became so much more real because it was you all along. You were long and skinny and little and perfect and ours, and we felt like we were the first people ever to feel this way about their sweet little tiny piece of perfection in the Universe.

You see, all these crazy non sequiturs are what run through my head when I review the year You came to be...and suddenly I have so much to say to you....and so much I want to teach you....and so much I want for you.......so I take a deep breath and wait. I wait, because time will bring all of these lessons and hopes floating up to the top, and we are in no hurry...just enjoying the ride as we go along......

So much Love,
Mom

I'm sitting in the dim light of the living room, basking in the glow of tonight. What a night...what a wonderful, run of the mill, uneventful, brilliant night. It would have been perfect, except that Dad has been gone for about 3 1/2 months and we feel the void of him. There is certainly a huge daddy shaped hole in the middle of the house.
Tonight as I watched you in the bath, I again thought about how lucky I am. The love I feel for you in my heart is almost sharp. No words could justify the waves of exhilaration and inspiration created from watching you grow up. In less than a month you will be one whole year old. I was watching the video of your birth day today and I felt surprised to recall that there was a time in my life when you were not yet in it. I watched you and I...our first moments of seeing one another. I beg time to slow down and I simmer in the joy of me and You and our little world.
You are starting to flirt with the idea of standing on your own. I know your first steps will be sometime soon in our future. You remain fearless in the bathtub. I can't wait to get you in a pool! We have so much to look forward to...Millions of more uneventful nights- which is absolutely my most favorite thing in the world.

I haven't visited these pages in quite some time...a month and a half to be exact. Somehow I've let life get in the way of real life. Don't get me wrong, there has been sooo many firsts, lots of belly shaking laughter, and yes, some tears. Somehow the days have gotten shorter, and the stuff I need to get done got bigger and every night I rest my tired eyes on my pillow and I try to wish it true," tomorrow....yes, tomorrow I will make time to update this blog." Well, today is that day. I could go on and on about how hard it is without dad living with us, M-F. I could tell you about how overwhelming some days feel. Right now, I don't care about any of that. All I care about is the wonder of You. So much has happened since I last wrote. You sleep through the night now. I barely believe it as I see the words trickle out on the screen in front of me. I smile. Yes, you sleep ALL NIGHT. It all finally came together and clicked for both you and me. We had three tough nights of frequent waking where I summoned all the strength in my soul and didn't rescue your crying eyes from your bed and carry you into my bed to cozy down with me. I had to keep telling myself that this was for your own good...that you needed this....that it was time....and it must have been because now it is truth.

Another first? You are the proud owner of not one, but two, yes, two, shiny pearly whites. Boy did they beat you up while they were coming in. Lots of drool, lots of sudden bursts of tears, complete with the warm rosy face that teething brings. You were such a trooper. I adore watching you feed yourself bite-sized morsels of food. I anxiously await the day when you will get your first taste of cake...on your fast approaching 1st birthday.

You cruise around now too...going from couch to table and back and anywhere you can pull your little self up to. Unfortunately this means a lot more tumbles too. This usually involves at least one heart breaking backwards tumble, complete with the horrible "thunk" of your head hitting the hardwood at least once a day. In these times I can't run to you fast enough...I scoop you up in my arms and we rock until its better. Sometimes we go into the kitchen and I run the water. The second you start to play in the sink the tears simply dissolve.

Last night you slept from 7:30pm until 8:07am. I went to bed at 10pm and slept longer than I have in over a year....Ironically I couldn't stop yawning all day....:-)