Today

This is the most beautiful and epic story I will ever write. I don't want to write it, I'd prefer another tale...but this is the one I have been given, and so with the familiar click of the keyboard, our story starts to unfold...

I forget about it when I am sleeping. The second after I wake up- I re-remember all over again and the heaviness of my heart is almost suffocating. It takes awhile to fall back asleep. I wake up with Parker every few hours, so I am reminded again and again and again, and by morning time, I am exhausted.

I know this story won't only be a sad one. It will be sweet...it will be eye-opening...it will talk of love, of strength, of beauty in the most unexpected of places with the most unexpected of people. I just have to wait for it to unfold. Time is the only true story teller.

I was running the other day. It was over 100 degrees and I had you in our stroller, Grey. I felt strong as each pounding on the pavement released a little stress. A sweet old man on a bike rode by and he said to his companion- while nodding towards me--" That is a true Warrior".

Damn Skippy, I say. I am a Warrior.... and so are you Sweet Greyson...and so the tale begins...

Boy or girl....I didn't care. I really did just want a healthy baby.

At 7:02 pm on June 7th, 2009 they placed his sweet little perfect and wrinkled body into my arms. I was the proud owner of one happy and healthy baby boy. My wish came true, Greyson Michael Kelly was a bouncing blue baby boy and I was enthralled. Overwhelmed and scared stupid- yes, but happy. Something happened deep inside my soul at that moment when I became a Momma. If you are a momma, you know. I now possessed this protective and raw vulnerability that made it hurt to love something so much. His happiness, his safety, his health and well being- they were my welcomed responsibility and it was the most important job I had had in my life.

I just realized today that Greyson is Autistic. My sweet and perfect son, Greyson has Autism. There has been no official diagnosis, but I now know, at the very least he is somewhere on that damned, elusive spectrum.

I've been confident in explaining away the quirks...

He barely talks and he doesn't call us Mom or Dad. But many boys are late talkers...

He usually doesn't seem to hear his name when we call him...maybe he's just really into playing with his cars. In fact- he's a little too into playing with his cars...

His face rarely lights up when he first sees us after we've been gone and walk through the front door. In fact, he often doesn't even look up when we enter the room, and often times he doesn't look at me when I'm jumping up and down in front of him- calling his name- 30 times...he looks through me.

He prefers playing alone.

He looks at things sideways.

I can't explain away anymore.

But there were so many things that just didn't fit the picture....He laughs...he smiles...he isn't rigid about his routines...he likes to cuddle. He looks me in the eyes and smiles and gives me a hug that erases anything bad that has ever happened to me in my whole life. And up until the 15-18 month range he hit all his developmental milestones like a Champ.

Those beautiful "neuro-typical" things kept me afloat on a beautiful ship called Hope. I've been wedged between wishes and truth and somehow it looks like I've popped out on the other side. The side called reality, and there's no going back. But I want to go back...for just a day.

Autism doesn't happen to me- it happens to some other lady on some crappy Lifetime TV movie.

Now I get down on my knees and ask I don't know who...God? The Universe? What is real? Who am I? Who is Greyson? What will his future look like? What about his life that I've already daydreamed into existence? Where did it go? His life, complete with many friends, school, sports, love....college, marriage and babies. I want him to have that life. He deserves that life and it just isn't fair. What dream will I dream instead?

I just feel sad and so tired. Tired of tantrums, frustration caused by a lack of communication...speech therapy...Developmental Preschool...Explaining almost every single thing I've done out loud for the past 6 months in the hopes that he would finally start talking....

"Mommy is opening up the door. Mommy is going to put you in the stroller...Mommy and Greyson are going to go for a walk. Mommy feels like she is going crazy and her ears hurt from all the silence."

I still have to fully accept that Greyson has Autism, because I keep thinking that someone official is going to figure out what is really wrong with him, give him some medication and fix it all. He will be completely fine, and I will be so relieved. Isn't that how the story goes? Our babies get sick and the Dr. makes them better and then we are so relieved and grateful. The Dr. can't make Greyson better, but somehow I still have to find a way to get to the grateful part. I have to find our new Normal.

I'm a Professional Momma. The kind that would rather be with my babies than out shopping or getting my nails done. The kind that gets drunk from breathing them in at night. If you have somehow found these words then I bet you are too, friend.

I love him beyond this string of words can convey....yet I am disappointed because he has Autism...which makes me feel like I am saying I am disappointed in who he is...which makes me feel like my heart is breaking just a little more.

I am his momma...I feel like I've failed my sweet and innocent son because something bad has happened to him and I'm not fixing it. I search for the sparkle in his eyes that would stop strangers dead in their tracks.

I know deep inside, he is not Autism...he is still Greyson...my Greyson...and although I am not an expert on Autism, I remind myself, I am an expert on Greyson. I am still madly in love with him. Ridiculously proud of him. Spellbound by his sparkling blue eyes.

I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed. I have so much to do...and although I lie in bed and google and read until my eyes burn, I still have so much to learn. And I know, all of this will just take time. And one day, this new World will feel like mine again.

a thousand thousand words

Pictures and music....they are the best of art to me.

They take me to different places....they motivate me....they make me sad in the slowest, sweetest way possible. I'm so happy when I have my camera and I get that shot. The one that makes my heart swirl and my head stop thinking, "ISO, White Balance, Aperture" and just think reallllyyy goooood.

Sometimes those picture moments are occurring and I don't have my camera, but that's OK because I made a plea to God about this type of situation along time ago.

I said God, there will be moments in my life that I need to remember when I die, so when these moments occur I will say "Click" in my head. If you could pretty please play that slide show for me then I would really appreciate it.

Those click moments, real and imagined, seem to be happening a lot lately.

Thank you, God.

4 months

I'm convinced that while you're pregnant, the 40 weeks drag on and on and on. Like your belly, Time expands outward and completely. On the flip side ...the first year after your baby is born Time snaps her fierce quickness like a rubber band til it stings.

I beg, "Please slow down," but it doesn't. So I plant my feet as firmly as possible and hold on.

Parker, at your 4 month appointment you were 16 lbs. 2 oz. and 24 inches long.

I am gobsmacked, crazy insane, giddy in love. I drink in the coo's and the smiles and the eye contact. He takes in the world with his eyes, and I get to be there to experience it too. Today I heard my first laugh and my ears are glowing. My boy laughs. Laughing makes everything good.

He watches everything you do Greyson. He's fascinated.

We've been busy enjoying Summer. Soaking in the heat of August. Living simple. Going for walks...

You skipped your nap this day and the stroller lullied you to sleep.

Greyson you've rediscovered swinging and our favorite jaunt is at our neighborhood park. I push you until sweat is dripping down my legs-and when I finally stop- as soon as the pendulum motion stops you look me dead in the eye and says, "More". I can't deny your words, so we swing some more.

Yeah, I'm a pushover. I want to give you everything you want and need. I know part of being a good parent is setting boundaries and limits. Lately though, I've preferred coloring outside the lines.

"You didn't finish your dinner? You must be hungry then... So, how about some icecream?"

There will be times that demand limits and boundaries, and times that require hugs, swirls and sprinkles.

Dog People

I like routine- routine that isn't challenged by a furry critter that sheds hair everywhere, poops on the ground, throws up from eating crap they found outside, and spends money at the vet like it's Fashion Island.

I am now dog people by marriage. I claim to hate them at times...they can cost a ton (Belle- emergency bladder stone surgery $2000+)....and they are a complete pain in the...tail...but they are family, and we love them.

Photobucket">

Jack and Belle are with us for life...not until they ruin a pair of my favorite shoes (who am I kidding- my stay at home mom shoes are limited to tennis shoes, flip flops and Uggs). They are with us 'til death do us part- not until I get tired of walking them or Michael gets tired of buying them special Dog Food. They are family. We love them- and I dare say they love us even more than that. Sometimes they are the only smiling face greeting us at the door. Every single time- even if we haven't walked them in weeks.

Photobucket">

When I was practically passed out on the floor with dehydration after Parker was born, Belle wouldn't leave my side. She laid on the floor right next to me.

When I cry, she comes to me and she licks my face and wags her tail and won't leave me alone until I am so annoyed that I am....laughing.

Belle finds Greyson when he is hiding in his shell and she won't let him be alone. She won't let him not interact with her. She will lick him and snuggle him and nudge him until his face comes alive and he is back. It is beautiful.

Photobucket">

Photobucket">

Trust Dog People. They are loving...they are flexible. They know how to roll with the punches.

"A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, big or small, young or old. He doesn't care if you're not smart, not popular, not a good joke-teller, not the best athlete, nor the best-looking person. To your dog, you are the greatest, the smartest, the nicest human being who was ever born..." -Marly & Me

August Already

I sat down and thought about the kind of post I wanted to write. I go back and forth between factual and emotional, and like most things, on most days, I think I will wind up somewhere in the middle.

We started pre-preschool for you today, Greyson. That goes for two days a week and combined with your twice weekly speech lessons- you are a very busy boy.

That's you with your teacher, Miss Jodi. She's helping you make sounds.

At around 18 months we noticed that you were not finding your words as easily as your peers. Your inability to communicate really began to frustrate you. Watching you struggle is not something I am good at, so we do what we can to help you. We like to "play words"- I show you picture flashcards on my phone.

You said, "Par" when looking at a picture of Parker the other day and I felt my heart beat outside my chest while the world stopped spinning for just one sweet moment.

Our days are spent together, just like the working girl living in Hermosa had once upon a time planned. We usually go for a walk in the morning with Parker or you and I go alone on a run when dad gets home from work. Sometimes in the morning we meet with your friend, Braden, and his Mom and I go walking in Woodward Park. That's my favorite.

A random Tuesday Farmer's Market Visit with Liz and Braden.

You are the happiest when you are outside running. I swear you are so fast that you outpace me. I'm serious.

We saw your first theater movie- Cars 2- and you did awesome. For most of the movie you sat with Dad with a look of pure awe on your face. The last 30 minutes you could no longer be contained. You roamed up and down the aisles of the theater, and I think you liked that part as much as the movie.

We finally, finally found just the right blue worthy of your soon to be super cool Truck room.

Blue Raindrop....Meet Greyson...

More Room Details