Full Time Job

Greyson,

You are the only 2 year old I know with a full time job. You are awesome at it. Your title? Professional Learner. You go to speech on Monday and Thursday afternoons and preschool on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Soon you will also have about 20 hours a week of ABA therapy--COMING SOON!

You and I have our own "school" at home every day too. We sit at the kitchen table for at least an hour in the morning working on words, fine motor skills and cognitive stuff. We work really hard. We color, do flashcards, thread beads, sort, stack- all kinds of good stuff.

I'm so proud of you.

And I'm so proud and honored to be your teacher and your Momma. I've learned through you though-that I am never only the teacher, I am also a student. Every day I am student because you teach me too. I pray for patience though because I'm not so good at that dubious P word and I've realized that you're never too old to be a Professional Learner.

Some days we will sit by the back door for 10 minutes at a time. You want to go play out in the back yard. I beg you to say, "O" as in "Open". Instead you tell me "More" (which is your catch word for everything.) I beg, I plead, I jump up and down, I sing- I do everything I can to get an "O" from your rosebud lips so I can open the door for you. I smile acknowledging the little sand of hope burrowed deep inside -that one day this language thing will come naturally. In fact, I roll my eyes at the silly notion that one day I might even miss being needed so much. And so that pearl just continues to develop until then.

I'm reminded of the lyrics of a Loudon Wainright song I love, "That's my Daughter in the Water...everything she knows I taught her....everything she knows." As a parent of any child, we are the first and most important teachers in their life. Wow. What an honor to sculpt this little bean and what a privledge it is to create magic in his life.

Being a Momma or a Dad means unconditional love. I always knew that phrase anecdotally. I thought I knew it in my heart too. Here comes more learning on my part--for now I know for sure, grasshopper, that I am learning a little more each day. I feel it. Unconditional love means not even thinking for one second-"Why don't they just..." or "I just wish that they would..."

If you spend any energy focusing on what is missing, you may miss out on the beauty that is real and astonishing and already there.

So Much Gluten Free Love,

Chrissy

Goodbye My Love

Diet Mountain Dew,

It is with great sadness that I write these words to you...

We first met sometime in college and I fondly remember all of our wonderful times together. One thing that stands out is how you were always there for me. Always giving me energy and quenching my thirst without asking anything in return.

Your sweet citrus bubbles tickle my throat and my mind. Your compact silver and green ensemble matches everything and goes anywhere. With you by my side I can accomplish anything...working til close at the bar and still making it to my 7:30am class the next day in college. And now, my wingman, my sous chef in the great sport called Momming- night after night of constant waking with babies. Not only could I Mom, but with you, I could go walking, go to the grocery store, and sometimes even vacuum...Yes, vacuum all in one day.

But the time has come where we must part ways. I have another love that is even greater than my love for you. My sweet and perfect son Greyson has to give up all his favorite foods....all those delicious chemical laden yummities that I have been so proud and happy to give to him. Even things that aren't "bad for you" like string cheese and milk....and the second I realized that, I knew I had to lead by example. I had to feel the loss first hand so I would never forget how sweet and how strong my sweet Greyson is.

We've been apart for 10 days now. I've been seeing other Caffeines lately to get me through but it's just not the same without you. I will miss you.

Fondly Yours,

Chrissy

Do Over

Today was one of those days that makes me think- I'm just not cut out for this.

Seriously, who gave me my Mom License and how did they fudge the test scores to make it look like I passed?

Preschool... We had a psychologist observing Greyson in order to write some really long bureaucratic report in order to get more help for Grey in the form of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). I was really excited because I'm really ready to kick the ass out of Autism- if that's what this is-- and ABA is the way to do that.

Well, our most unwelcomed friend, The Scream, was back today. I have no clue who let him in the joint or how he even knew we were there, but he showed up- unannounced.

Our very first ever encounter with The Scream happened the day we brought Parker home from the hospital where he ended up staying with us for 3 very long months. It was a continuous battle and it was so hard. Finally, one day, he just sort of vanished. Sheeeeewwww. I hoped it was the last we would ever see of him.

But no, he was back today. Sometimes The Scream looks like this...(but a little less adorable- when The Scream realized I was taking a picture of Greyson he started to smile a little to look a little less menacing so I would look like a liar in case I tried to tell people about him.)

And sometimes The Scream is really out of control and he looks like this...

He's about 1-2 seconds long, loud and high pitched and punches a hole in your eardrum every time he appears. He rolls around on the ground and then does that "limp noodle/stiff limbs thing when I try to pick him up. He makes the general public stop what they are doing dead in their tracks and violently jerk their heads around to see what the crazy woman with absolutley no control of her child looks like.

The Scream stayed for all of preschool- front and center for Free time, Circle Time, Snack Time and so on. Thank goodness I had help getting you in the car after school. Usually I am left to fend for myself, wearing Parker in the Bjorn, and trying my best to wrestle the thrashing kicking and screaming toddler who is running away from the parking lot and towards the play ground. Damn you playground with your bright shiny colors and swirly slide for beckoning my son like that.

Then we went to the grocery store, searching for more Gluten/Casein/Soy Free finds. I found the itty bitty section in Vons and compared loot as I scoured the list of ingredients in each item. In slow motion I see you, my Sweet Little Angel flipping head first out of the cart (and if anyone asks me if you were belted in I will kick them hard on their front teeth). You landed on your back- I believe. I'm not 100% sure because by this time I think my brain had already left my body. I felt sick for you. Horrible. Totally unfit Mother Material here. I held you while you cried and shook and shuddered- and tried to keep my tears in my head--all while still wearing Parker. My poor Parker. I look down to see his leg turning purple- circulation cut off from holding Greyson so tight.

Next, Greyson had lunch and then showed off his exceptional nap skipping skills- which is always fun on the days we go to Speech Therapy. Ask me how many words he said? Can you say

ZERO? - because that's one more than he said.

And now, I sit, wallowing in the muck of the day.....wondering how I'm supposed to get up and do it all again tomorrow. I'll spare the rest of the waaahhh me details but it was more of the same ugh-ness. I'm so sad because it took my poor, Sweet Parker a full hour of crying to fall asleep in his crib. I despise cry it out- probably even more than The Scream- but I can't deal with the- Up every 3, yes THREE hours at night trend we're in- and this seams to be one of the only ways to slowly squash that bug.

Tomorrow's got to be better- right?

GFCFSF Oh my!

From everything I've read and heard, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders) children could truly benefit from a Gluten Free (Wheat, Oats, Barley, Rye Proteins), Casein Free (milk protein- Dairy), Soy Free Diet (GF/CF/SF). What does that leave, you ask?

Air and ice I think. Look up GF/CF/SF in the Dictionary and it says, "Fricking Impossible and Expensive". Since the Science is too compelling, we have no choice but to try and we will try anything and stop at nothing for you Greyson.

91% of all children that go on this type of diet show vast improvements, namely in speech and behavior. I read story after story after story of miracles and significant break throughs experienced on this diet. My sweet boy can't tell me when he is thirsty....his lips are chapped now....my heart breaks. I need him to speak.

And so we bend and we stretch and we try new things for the hope of tomorrow. At first, just Greyson will go on this diet.

Goodbye Cheesy Love...

I equate food with love. Many Mommas do. Going to the grocery store was a pleasurable experience when buying for Greyson. Cars the Movie Mac and Cheese?! I'll take 5! Boy, will he LOVE this! Cookies, milks, cereals- special just for Greyson. Our absolute favorites? Rold Gold skinny pretzels and Yogurt land Frozen Yogurt. Both- off the list. I'm in mourning for the food he won't be able to have...Cake at Birthday Parties....Chocolate Bunnies in his Easter basket....Girl Scout Cookies.... An occasional Happy Meal.

We are giving it a three month trial and reevaluating then.

Going to Whole Foods and trying to find GFCFSF foods was rocket-science stumping. I even had a printed list of GFCF foods- but I didn't realize that over half the stuff I bought contained Soy. Oh well, I guess I'll have to eliminate Soy on the next grocery trip. This pretty much leaves meats, fruits, plain rice and vegetables. Capitol B boring...I know- my attitude better improve soon, or else.

Some things I did find...

I know soon it will get easier, and the next thing I know I will be rocking the diet. It just will take a little time. I am slowly scouring the internet and the world and the grocery store and finding some replacements that are so fun to bring home and present to you...just like old times.