Thursday, September 8, 2011

Do Over

Today was one of those days that makes me think- I'm just not cut out for this.
Seriously, who gave me my Mom License and how did they fudge the test scores to make it look like I passed?

Preschool... We had a psychologist observing Greyson in order to write some really long bureaucratic report in order to get more help for Grey in the form of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). I was really excited because I'm really ready to kick the ass out of Autism- if that's what this is-- and ABA is the way to do that.

Well, our most unwelcomed friend, The Scream, was back today. I have no clue who let him in the joint or how he even knew we were there, but he showed up- unannounced.

Our very first ever encounter with The Scream happened the day we brought Parker home from the hospital where he ended up staying with us for 3 very long months. It was a continuous battle and it was so hard. Finally, one day, he just sort of vanished. Sheeeeewwww. I hoped it was the last we would ever see of him.

But no, he was back today. Sometimes The Scream looks like this...(but a little less adorable- when The Scream realized I was taking a picture of Greyson he started to smile a little to look a little less menacing so I would look like a liar in case I tried to tell people about him.)

And sometimes The Scream is really out of control and he looks like this...

He's about 1-2 seconds long, loud and high pitched and punches a hole in your eardrum every time he appears. He rolls around on the ground and then does that "limp noodle/stiff limbs thing when I try to pick him up. He makes the general public stop what they are doing dead in their tracks and violently jerk their heads around to see what the crazy woman with absolutley no control of her child looks like.

The Scream stayed for all of preschool- front and center for Free time, Circle Time, Snack Time and so on. Thank goodness I had help getting you in the car after school. Usually I am left to fend for myself, wearing Parker in the Bjorn, and trying my best to wrestle the thrashing kicking and screaming toddler who is running away from the parking lot and towards the play ground. Damn you playground with your bright shiny colors and swirly slide for beckoning my son like that.

Then we went to the grocery store, searching for more Gluten/Casein/Soy Free finds. I found the itty bitty section in Vons and compared loot as I scoured the list of ingredients in each item. In slow motion I see you, my Sweet Little Angel flipping head first out of the cart (and if anyone asks me if you were belted in I will kick them hard on their front teeth). You landed on your back- I believe. I'm not 100% sure because by this time I think my brain had already left my body. I felt sick for you. Horrible. Totally unfit Mother Material here. I held you while you cried and shook and shuddered- and tried to keep my tears in my head--all while still wearing Parker. My poor Parker. I look down to see his leg turning purple- circulation cut off from holding Greyson so tight.

Next, Greyson had lunch and then showed off his exceptional nap skipping skills- which is always fun on the days we go to Speech Therapy. Ask me how many words he said? Can you say
ZERO? - because that's one more than he said.

And now, I sit, wallowing in the muck of the day.....wondering how I'm supposed to get up and do it all again tomorrow. I'll spare the rest of the waaahhh me details but it was more of the same ugh-ness. I'm so sad because it took my poor, Sweet Parker a full hour of crying to fall asleep in his crib. I despise cry it out- probably even more than The Scream- but I can't deal with the- Up every 3, yes THREE hours at night trend we're in- and this seams to be one of the only ways to slowly squash that bug.

Tomorrow's got to be better- right?

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