Spring Cleaning

Wow....Seriously... Wow...

That last post was like giving birth...I gave birth to sweet little soulful words that immediately multiplied and came right back into my nest. You are enriching our journey in ways you couldn't imagine. Each comment and message you leave is read, cherished, and stored for future strength.

Words rock my World...

And the fact that my little dude has yet to reciprocally experience their beauty is mildly ironic to me. Ironic in a "I can't wait" kind of way. Communication...self-expression, reading and writing are all little poshly decorated rooms in my soul... And I can't wait for Greyson to take a tour.

Twice weekly one-hour speech therapy sessions feels a little like shoe shopping to me. Love hearing my boy say words. If you have questions about your child's speech, behavior or development, email the FAMOUS--Teacher Amy at The T.A.L.K. Team. They are passionate about what they do there, and happy to help you: Thetalkteam@hotmail.com

I rarely ever take a step back from a project.. from editing a picture...or from painting words on the canvas of a post...and say, "Yes....I am done...that is finished. I like that." But I felt that way Sunday as I was putting final flourishes on my Pot of Gold.

Are you like that? You strive for perfection, and anything less than that, therefore, gets defined as failure. Let's make a pact. Let's have 2012 be a year of growth, and a year of real. Perfect is so twenty-eleven. Less than perfect but still ROCKING it-- is the latest trend in self-love, I say.... It's pretty clear we aren't capable of perfect here on Earth....yet we still strive for it because we think that's what makes us good... and then we fail to achieve perfect...so we just end up feeling bad.... Hmm... Yes, it's time to Spring Clean that right outta here.

What else to you want to Spring Clean out of your life? Let me know. Sometimes telling a friend forces you to be accountable.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't reach for the stars and try to like mad to do our very best on every given day- and expect the best from others...but we need to judge ourselves less....forgive ourselves more.

Sometimes we need to get out of our own way-- and use hope, not feelings of inadequacy for fuel.

Less Black and White. More Grey.

On Sunday, we took a family trip to Trader Joe's to stock up for the week. I wish I would have take Efficient Grocery Shopping 101 in College-- going to 3-4 different stores each week gets a little much...For my current life, that would have been much more practical than Micro-economics. As we were checking out Greyson was-- for lack of a better term, whining in an almost grunty way- because he wanted a Lara Bar that was out of his reach in the cart... I got on his eye level and I told him, "You need to tell me what you want, Greyson...use words." He told me, "I want bar." The check-out lady asked if he wanted a sticker and I said "Sure." She put the sticker directly on him and he didn't like that, so he started to whine again....The lady turned to me and she asked, "Is he Autistic?"

My heart stopped....My head said, "Say yes, you must not be ashamed to say yes...You now know he is...if you delay a micro-second longer it is as if you are embarrassed of your son --and you are not. You are proud. Say yes. Claim your son."

He makes my heart flow over with pride...like your babies make you feel.

With false confidence I said, "Yes." She said, "I teach a couple of Autistic kids." Then there was silence. No other sound but the beeping as each item's UPC code slid across the scanner. I wait an hour-long second and I ask, "What grade do you teach?" thinking surely this conversation has a middle, possibly even an end and braided somewhere throughout- a point. "7th & 8th"...beep...beep....beep.... I turn my eyes toward Michael in confusion and then sadness ...thinking- "Help. Not ready to have this odd conversation so soon. Not ready."

Urging Michael-- with my eyes -to make sense of the exchange for me.... We go to the car in silence...I am...confused?.... Is that "Awareness" I ask myself? If that was awareness...It felt... bad. I thought I wanted awareness...

It was like when change your hair and someone says, "Did you get your hair cut?" and you say, "Yes" and then they don't say a thing...

Except it wasn't my hair...it was my Bitty Soul, Greyson.

It was then I realized, I want more than Awareness...I want Awareness and nice. It's funny, before I was the Mother of an Autistic child...(see I am practicing at saying that)... I wouldn't have known the "right" things to say to a Mother of a "Different" kid. I would be worried I would say the wrong things, just like some of you have expressed to me...but here's what I've learned....The people who are sweet and kind and worried that they will say the "wrong thing" are never the people who actually do say the wrong things. I don't have pet peeves that I know of...The term "special needs" annoys me....but if you use it when taking your sweet and precious time to talk to me about my son- it doesn't annoy me when you say it- only when I think it. Make sense? I hope so. Every parent of a "different" kid is also different! I can't speak for all of us, but that's how I feel. Maybe you feel the same..maybe not, and that's OK too.

UPDATE...

My heart swelled with pride when a dear friend sent me this picture from the hospital...She is telling her new baby girl about Greyson and she is already teaching her baby about awareness and nice.

I have heard from some Mom's that they don't like to say they are "fixing" their Spectrum Kid... I totally get that, and appreciate why that analogy might make you feel bad. You love your Bitty- just the way they are.

(And by the way-- there isn't really an actual "Spectrum"! How weird is that?! You don't get coordinates...The Doctor didn't tell me- "Greyson is Autistic and he is Green F-11 on the Spectrum". It's mostly just a concept of varying behaviors to varying different degress. Crazy, I know.)

Anyway, I do think of it as "fixing" Grey, because that is what works for me...that motivates me. If he had a wonky tooth, I would get it fixed...and he has Wonky Neurons, so I am fixing that too- in ways that I can.  And just to keep it real, my son doesn't always look engaged and Angelic...

Although it's gotten so much better due to ABA and Speech, sometimes he looks like this...

And sometimes he does this...

Because he is frustrated or overwhelmed.... I must fix that. Even looking at these pictures hurts me.

My beloved Parker turned 11 months...

Oh Parker, you should just see the way you look at your big brother. You and your dad have this special language and you guys seem to have actual conversations. You are so energetic, happy and give smiles freely. You wave and clap after we do- and that motor immitation makes this Momma's heart feel at ease. Your top two teeth made their appearance this month. You teach me so much ... so much about flexibility and about unconditional love in your World free of stereotypes. I love you.

Happy Spring. Thank you for sharing this blog with your Friends. You can find me on Facebook or send me an email at kellyc43@gmail.com.