Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sometimes when I run I am pounding out angry... sometimes it is good for me to get it out like that.
Feel...think....process...sweat..feel some more.....and then done. Poof...the anger is gone. Beautiful.
But sometimes there is no poof and I focus and refocus on a situation with no resolve. A situation that would best be placed into a box and burned --because it will never change. I can't change other people- and neither can you, friend. I must remind myself occasionally. Yet at times I will find myself focusing on that kind of anger when running...and without fail... I suddenly realize- that I am no longer running...I am walking, because I don't have the energy to be that particular kind of angry and run......that sweet and precious energy is going into my unproductive anger.
I need that energy.
I want it back...so it is up to me to take it. To put it into that box and light that match.
Focus...They are my focus... I never have to be reminded of it.
No one ever tells me- You should really spend more time and energy with Greyson and Parker. I am always with them because there's no where else I'd rather be. If you are a working parent- do not feel guilty from that sentence. You can work 40 hours a week at a job and still have your main focus be your itty bitties..Focus is one part time and one part soul. There is so much pain and guilt associated with choosing to work if you are a Mom, or having to work if your situation calls for it. You know guilt like none-other. It's the same as that unproductive anger...it just sucks the joy out of you. Burns your energy. Please...take it back....take that joy back. You've earned it.
Here's one more thing I don't want you to feel guilty about...taking pictures. Easy for me to say because I take a zillion- but here's why...2 1/2 years ago I read a blog written by a Momma who took tons and tons of pictures of her everyday life and her kids...Greyson was 6 months old and I did nothing of the sort....and it made me feel guilty....but I turned that guilt into this blog. If you feel guilt- see what you can get out of it that's good.. Pictures are awesome. They make everyone happy. If you want more pictures of your kids- start taking more today. Even if your kids are 32. It's never too late. And guess what- pictures are like money- you can't take them with you....but Memories go can anywhere. So lay off yourself about the pictures. I think even instagram is an awesome way to document your life. (and you can even get them printed and turned into fridge magnets here...) But, if you do want to invest in a camera, this is my everyday one that I use for the blog and I highly recommend it. I keep a 50mm lens on it pretty much at all times- it's a portrait lens and awesome for photographing children.
A week ago on Saturday evening my photo shoot had to cancel... I already had a babysitter scheduled, and I didn't want to cancel on the sitter... So, from 5:15-7:15 I had a window of time... And so, for the first time in over 2 years, my husband and had a Date Night. The focus has not been on "us" in a very very long time. We are a United front, punching the same time clock for the same job, pulling different shifts...both fully committed to the cause of raising the best bitties in the World...yet we don't spend much time really connecting with each other. Plugging in. Even at night- when it is just the 2 of us- we are in front of the TV... I am writing with one hand, editing photos with the other and texting with my toes... He is on his work computer and his ipad. Our eyes remain on our subsequent electronic device. We update each other on life...talk about our favorite tiny little subjects in the World...fascinating only to us...If you want to bore yourself to tears, ask me- "What did you do today?", ..."Well, Parker pooped 3 times.... Greyson said "I want ball in" spontaneously at Speech. I had 4 cups of coffee... a guy came by selling steaks..." Oh, sorry- are you sleeping?
But on Date Night...we focused on us...we didn't talk about kids...
It's so funny, when you first start dating things are pretty effortless. You don't focus on anything but each other. You both bend over backwards to compromise. I vividly remember-- Michael and I were newly dating-- he asked me, "What do you think about motorcycles?"
My response? "Motorcycles? Are you kidding me?! I think motorcycles are AWESOME!!! That's what I think!!!"
I despise motorcycles and was OVER THE MOON when he bought one....and 5 weeks later it was stolen from his garage... (I had an alibi).
But somewhere down the road real life sets in and compromise doesn't come as quickly.
On Date Night, we had a great dinner, we shopped for shoes at Nordstrom Rack and we went to the book store. I love simple and old fashioned together time the most.The book store is one of my favorite places on Earth..I'm afraid some day they will be obsolete. I can't do digital yet. Even the smell of the paper brings me joy. I bought a book recommended by a friend since I am focused on us.
I am a big fan of self help and I am not ashamed to admit that. I work on the things that are important to me before they break- like my marriage. Our relationship is absolutely the last flower that gets watered in the garden every time, and I know that isn't ideal, so we work to make change real.
Change looks like investing time....a date night more frequently than once every few years, communication and awareness.
Focus. noun : emphasis, accent, priority, attention,concentration.
They are my focus...and so is he.
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at 11:35 AM