Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Look at Me

I never had a Typical child to compare Greyson to, but that didn't really matter because until about 18 months of age his behavior was much more Typical than not. And then very slowly, and very rapidly all at once-- his developmental gap grew. 

Now I am used to our routine and our rhythm together. That comfortable dance between Mother and Child that couldn't be choreographed more perfectly. Tonight as it was nearing bedtime… I realized I needed Greyson to look at me. Not as in nice to have, but as in need to. That is not our usual routine, but I needed something different. I know the appropriate therapy verbiage you are supposed to use---and I do-- hundreds of times a day…I say his name once...I can't repeat it over and over…Saying his name over and over dulls the knife and it needs to be sharp so it can learn to cut right through...but tonight I wanted to be just a Mom, not a therapist…and I put him high up on the counter with no where to go -but me...and I grabbed either side of his sweet face and I begged him to look at me. His eyes darted rapidly back and forth, uncomfortable under my stare…I kept going…
"Look in Mommy’s eyes Greyson…you can look at me…It's OK...I need you to look at me….please baby….Look at Momma….I love you…Can you look at Mommy? It would make me so happy?"
And I could see he just wasn’t there with me…he was staring up at the light then, and we were in two different Worlds...so I set him down and I let him be… 

A few minutes later I was sitting on the ground and he came over and stood facing me…And there was a sparkle in his eyes. And we just stared at each other…for seconds connected in a row...and I looked deep into his wide open eyes and I could see my reflection back.. and I could tell he noticed me…really noticed me...and he smiled ever so coyly…and he was captivated…but not nearly as much as I was… and it was so good. And I wanted to fit every thought and every expression and every emotion I could into my eyes so he could feel just how I felt.... And it was bliss... and it will tide me over until he sees me again…and I will spread this feeling of happy I am carrying with me as thinly as possible over the days so it lasts.

I will reach him...

Sometimes when you put yourself out there- it opens you up for ridicule…put yourself out there anyway.

Sometimes when you work really hard- people don’t notice. Work really hard anyway.

Sometime when we treat someone kind and nice they are mean and stupid back. Treat people nice anyway.

Sometimes you will try your hardest and do your best and the outcome sucks. Try your best anyway.

It’s funny the way this blog brings goodness into my life.

I look for new ways to challenge myself because it makes for a better story...and everyone wants to live a good story. It makes me risk a little more…I put myself out there more. It makes me want to go to fun places and go on adventures- even just adventures in my back yard- because it means for good pictures and a happier story.

At first when I realized that I thought, Oh no! That’s bad! That means I’m not living a fully authentic life…and then I thought- hmmm…the outcome of this is I am conquering fear…and I am living a prettier, better life….Who the hell cares how I got here?

Adventures like exploring the Bull dozers and construction stuff down the street.

I choose happy… I choose to do good. Sometimes I screw up and I choose the wrong thing…I choose angry, or short-tempered or tired…but if I had people keeping data on me- like Grey does- at the end of the day or the week or the end of the month, I’d say I have a 90% happiness success rate overall, and that’s a number I find acceptable. That’s what really matters...your overall. Not one screwy day or even a few screwy ones in a row. 

Some people who I don’t understand, choose unhappy…they choose mean. I guess somewhere deep inside there is a cracked little part of their soul that tricks them into thinking that mean is a good kind of glue…that anger is an asset. They are just plain old mean. I’ve never met a mean person who was also happy….like running through the water, life is so great happy. They are their own worst revenge. I feel bad for them. Who cares about mean people? They don’t count.

Today we visited a possible school for Greyson...and although this was out front...I still got a good vibe...

It's a preschool for Autistic kids and I didn't realize until I was walking in---that I was scared...I don't know what I expected... Kids in straight jackets and screaming like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or something. But as soon as I walked in, a little boy approached us....and he had such a sweet spirit- he lit up at the sight of Parker....and he gave me such good eyes... Oh eye contact...I never knew how much I needed you until I didn't have it. Overall it was a positive experience...and I am accepting that my life is a little different than what I had planned, but that doesn't mean it isn't good.

 Today I kept track of details…I noticed little things I never saw before…like this…

Michael- when you get back in town, remind me to ask you why we water the rocks where our dogs poo?

I went a week without Facebook and it made me so very happy...and now I only check every few days... (I miss your comments though and I missed your birthday Momma KD! I'm sorry I love you!)
If you want to contact me friends, do so by email. I check that frequently. I love hearing from you! kellyc43@gmail.com


  1. Dear girl.....you made me cry with this post! While you are trying so desperately to reach your young son.....I try desperately to reach my old (41) son. He is one of those who chooses unhappy and drugs and I can't reach him and he won't look at me either. He doesn't see me. But the difference is......it's his choice which is heartbreaking. His two children are here visiting me and they see me.....they love me....and they are good things that he did. It's so sad that HE can't see THEM! Thank you for this post.

  2. This was absolutely beautiful! It made me cry too.....girl, there is just something about the way you write. It just makes so much sense! Mean people DO suck. I just don't get it. They should choose happy too but I don't think they know how.