Sunday, August 26, 2012


Saturday I was driving in my car. An old- Toad the Wet Sprocket song called, Somethings Always Wrong was on the radio...and suddenly it was 1992...
I was on my way to college...scared, nervous, happy, sad, scared, overwhelmed, hopeless and hopeful. 
Will I fit in? Will I find my people? Will I miss home? Will I do OK in school?

My freshman year at Southwest Missouri State University (Now Missouri State University)- Ready for a night on the town- posing with our RA...I think her name was Stephanie. I'm far right. Please insert funny joke about my high waisted jeans and big butt here- I tried to crop it out- but my butt was too big to crop out.

And it hit me... The song is right. Something is always wrong... For everyone- everywhere... But strangely- that thought gave me comfort...Like goosebumps comfort. Somethings always wrong--and- Hey- that's OK...
We were never guaranteed perfect...
We were never guaranteed problem free...
We are not the only one with problems...
It's that easy.
But we keep chasing that life- that day- that moment...where nothing is wrong. Where we can sit back and kick our feet up and say, Yep...I found it. Perfect. 

And sometimes fighting that imperfect life takes so much more energy-than Acceptance...
Acceptance... It's the running theme to this chapter I am living in now.

I was talking to Greyson's Doctor last week...We were discussing one of my favorite topics-what is- and also what is possible. She said that our family is on a journey- and that the parents who are the happiest & most successful are the ones who take it daily- who find purpose in the journey and don't focus too much on the outcome... The ones who do everything possible for their child-try everything available- but still accept what is
I told her I have to work on that daily- but that is how I feel we are living this life. 
We discussed how it is very hard for some parents to come to grips when they realize they have a child on the Spectrum. Everyone's journey is different. She mentioned one soulful Mother in particular who had a Ceremony to accept the child they had- not the one they had expected.

And that inspired me so much...I am inspired to celebrate the birth of Greyson. The flesh and blood Greyson right here- right now. The perfect boy God truly blessed us with...

We all deserve to be loved for exactly who we are.

There have been times...I imagine him talking... Playing with the other kids...doing what they do..I imagine our days free of schedules and speech of rushing and tantrums and tears... But that other life- it isn't my past or my is a movie I made up in my head. It doesn't exist. I'm done watching that movie.

I totally imagined it when I first heard that the FDA approved a clinical trial to assess the effect of stem cells on Autism. I imagined how insane that would be... a magical infusion of neurological health. If this works AWESOME. AMAZING. However for now, this is just a hypothesis- and great marketing and a compelling Press Release by CBR (Cord Blood Registry). 

I imagined- what if the shoe was on the other foot?

What if my parents daydreams frequently involved their daughter--- as someone else? Someone who got straight A's...who was better at sports...Who had straight hair...and grew up to be a Doctor or an astronaut...

Bitty Chrissy- Greyson's age here.

I imagine Michael thinking about how great life would be if he had a wife who was a good cook- or who didn't complain about cleaning... Or who was taller or less emotional...

And those thoughts hurt! People wishing me to be something else that I'm not...

And I've decided here and now that I am officially and fully accepting the Greyson that is. This is the story I am meant to live. No more stupid day dreams. It is human to compare-but when I find myself doing it- I will stop. Because being his Mom- is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so lucky.

This is my real life...and despite its imperfection- I love it. It's exactly how it is supposed to be...and so is your life. Here we are Sunday afternoon...soaking up the last of the weekend.

The way he holds onto me and trusts me- makes me feel like a real Mom.

This life is certainly not something I could have ever daydreamed into existence... 

Parker and I have matching shoes...


No way. It's too good. It is brilliant. I am proud of it.

Tomorrow...The M word....I'm not even going to mention it.... {sigh}. 
I hope we both have a good one. I'm glad we started it together.