life with greyson + parker: The day after the day

{WARNING}

If you are here to read words that are uplifting, motivating, happy and inspiring- close your computer and walk away IMMEDIATELY. I mean it. Right now. Or switch URL's and do some online shopping.

However, if you want to read words that are whiny, pathetic written by an overly dramatic heart laced with a dampened sense of humor...

Welcome Friend....

I'm so glad you stopped by.

Leaving for school this morning at the crack of 8am, I couldn't believe the World was already buzzing. Neighbors were getting in cars- headed for work. We exchanged waves. I pretended like I was a happy housewife- just another day taking my son to school.

The drop off for preschool today ~~sucked~~ wasn't as easy. Sometimes I think the day after the day is harder...In fact, two people ended up in tears. One was 3- so he's allowed...the 38 year old is working on it...Some teacher's aids met me outside of the classroom, ready to escort Greyson in. He put his arms around my neck and repeated- No, No, No! and started to cry... And I had to kneel down- get him to look me in the eyes- and with false confidence tell him... It's time for you to go into school like a big boy. Greyson walk nicely with teacher. I will pick you up when it's over... I gave him a hug and kiss...And I peeled his arms away one by one, and turned and left with my head hung low... and slowly after a moment...I turned to watch him walk into his classroom...and he was doing as he was told...because he often does...and it broke my heart.

Thank goodness for sunglasses...aka- tear hiders...

My World is still spinning a little...

And today I felt like a love sick puppy. Every Greyson item lying around made me sad...His shoes...His toys... I wanted to grab binoculars and go watch him at recess. But I know I'd end up yelling into my megaphone (that I would also bring), Excuse me! Did you see that kid push my son, Greyson!!! Excuse me!!! Who's in charge here?
And I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that would be a bad start to the school year by me.

My thoughts were wild and dramatic...

I know- you should home school him- said a voice inside my head...

Hmmmm...what would I teach him about? I wondered...

Umm....caffeine...and photography...and the Internet...and we can watch Nick Jr.! Because Nick Jr. is preschool on TV-- they even say that on the commercials!!!

But alas, with a big sigh and a heavy heart...we will go back again tomorrow...But I'm gonna see if I can find out more stuff about what's going on in that room for 5 hours...little things that will keep me feeling like his invested Momma...Like how did he do? Like for real-how did he do -not -
How did he do- and the obligatory He did great! What did he struggle with today? When was he the happiest? What did he work on? Did he poop? Did he like his lunch? {is that too many questions to ask? Should I just do the binoculars instead?}

Picking him up today...It's hard for me...after Greyson is overstimulated and around a bunch of people-like at school- he kind of retreats within...and when he first sees me there is no instant look of recognition on his face...it's difficult to get him to look at me-or acknowledge that I am speaking to him... and it takes him awhile to reconnect and plug in with me.

As we drove home today- I asked him questions...hoping he would miraculously start talking... So...what did you do today? Did you make any friends? How do you like your teacher? What did you work on? {silence}... That's OK- we can talk about it later, I tell him... (I'm allowed to make jokes like that).

My ducks- just last week...

My ducks now...I know, I know...we will get there again...I just want to be there right now...

And I sit and type, I realize we have never taken the easy road. We don't make decisions for it's Easy factor... We choose it for it's Great factor...like going Gluten, Dairy, Soy free...That was so hard- but so worth it! If we wouldn't have at least attempted it- I would have felt like I wasn't giving Greyson every option available to him in our war against Autism- and I would have always wondered-what if...

It's normal and alright to feel fear... but the key is to making sure you don't let the fear stop you from doing the scary thing... It's OK to feel the fear- as long as you do it anyway...

So tomorrow...we will both try again.