crazy

This afternoon- it hit me out of nowhere...

What's your name?

I haven't asked Greyson since...Hmmm...when did I ask him last?... Geez- at least since school started....If you are the parent of a child on the Spectrum- you know that you sometimes pay for a lapse in reviewing skills-things like how to point to something, labeling colors or shapes...learned skills must be reviewed as to ensure their residency in Grey's brain... and his daily one on one therapy is cut short due to his preschool attendance so they don't always get to every program after school.

What's your name is part of his "Social Questions" program...He is also asked- How old are you?
He says 3 but we still have to say it for him first. It hasn't clicked for him yet.

In slow motion- I walk to the Family Room...hoping that this is not a skill that was lost...

I bend down, even with Greyson's eyes and get him to look at me...

What's your name? I ask with pounding heart...

Greyson responds, Name....


He forgot...I (and countless therapists) have worked for days and days and hours and hours...thousands of times... painstakingly asking and modeling it for him...finally pulling away cues or prompts...day after day- even on the weekends because this was my baby project- and one day he FINALLY got it and was able to answer, Grey...and now he no longer knows it...

Do you know when you whack your head and it hurts so so bad and you want to SCREAM FUDGGGEEEEE!!!!! but you can't because people are around? That's how I felt...

I try again...hoping it was a fluke...

What's your name?

Grey: Name...

It's not uncommon for Spectrum kids to just repeat the last word they hear when you ask them a question- thinking that is what you are wanting from them....

UGGGHHHHHHH!.... I yell with only half the volume I'd like....and then I slap myself on the forehead in disbelief...So then Greyson hits himself- thinking I was showing him what I wanted him to do...and I had to laugh....because it made me realize...none of the details matter....the tiny little details that get stuck in my shoe and drive me insane...They really don't really matter. They aren't the big picture.

{SHEW}


Remember the boys that I was crazy over yesterday? Well today I was crazy because of them today.

Today, Parker skipped his naps and cried the entire time he wasn't being held... He has 2 molars breaking through.


The last 10 minutes of my jog this morning he fell asleep in the stroller for the first time ever- and didn't sleep the rest of the day.

Today I was reminded just how difficult it is to go to the bathroom while HOLDING A ONE YEAR OLD... Nothing made him happy...

Except for a bath with Dave Matthews blasting...




But only for a little while...








Greyson was being extra 3...and although he doesn't speak much at all...He sure can say No...


No, no, no, no, no, no no.


I asked- Greyson, Do you want to come take a bath with Parker? He screamed NO!!!! and then "hid" behind our curtains...

So I let him be.

Even Belle the dog had to go to time out for stalking Parker for food.



I got a phone call from Michael at 6pm....I had been staring at the clock waiting as each excruciating second went by, hoping to hear his car in the drive.

Hi-when are you going to be home? I ask- getting right to it... And with an oh crap I didn't tell her- pause --(but my only option to remain alive is to pretend like I told her strategy) he says,
Remember? I'm going to be gone two nights this week....I won't be home until tomorrow... 

Fade to black...and then I seriously saw stars... little white ones...I wanted to find a brick wall so I could repeatedly slam my phone into it...

I DARE YOU TO TELL ME, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT IT GOES BY SO FAST right now--little old lady at Target... Tonight did NOT go by fast...

And the funny part- tomorrow I have a ton of good stuff to do... Birthday lunch with a friend, Hair Appointment, Wine date with another friend- and I was feeling so guilty that all these things wound up on the same day and I am going to be gone for much of the day... and I rarely get a sitter now that Grey is in school- and I was feeling bad....

But now I'm happy to report- the guilt is GONE!!! I've earned it...

And lastly...a quote from Momastery I didn't come up with but totally dig...

"I am never, ever going to get all the things done. I am only going to get some of the things done, forever. I get it now. It's okay."

Amen!!!