I'm a white hot ball of contradictions. One part ego- I'm amazing... How did I accomplish so much today? Man was that a great idea. Can one person seriously be this much awesome? I look pretty darn good for my age. I'm so great for going running today. I feel like I finally have my priorities straight in life... One second... And the next... One part insecurity...I can't do anything right! How could I be so stupid?! What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember anything? I am the slowest runner in the World- why do I bother? When did I get so old? I totally look my age. My priorities are totally out of whack. I can't keep up with my awesome/crappy self sometimes... I used to apologize to myself -for myself --way too much... I'd apologize for feeling... So much. Why do I care so much? Why did that hurt so much? Why does it matter? It shouldn't-but it does.
And I have grown to realize- I care so much- Just because I do. It's how I'm wired. Deal with it- me.And caring so damned much, is a pretty cool gift to give people sometimes. Caring. It's not a burden- it's a gift. A gift that is so much prettier than its wrapping. Sometimes the things we hate about ourselves are things we should think about loving. Hating takes much more precious energy than loving does. Love energy even multiplies. Wrap your arms around what you hate, and give it a big fat bear hug. At least for today...Go easy on you. You are my friend and I said so. I'm learning- not to take myself or my life so damned seriously. Which is completely and utterly- so much more fun that way. Join me? The way we do it -the way we approach it -the way we feel about it is different- but the outcome is so much the same too...so many things come down to- discovering the World and music. Some discover from their computer- some from a plane. It doesn't matter how you do it- as long as you do it. Music punctuates my life. Songs take me there in an instant. With sharp focus I can still remember ...Senior year in High school, driving around smoking Marlboro lights...radio blasting The Lightening Seeds- Pure, or Elton John, or New Kids on the Block, or yes, even Easy-E the rapper... singing our lungs out along...One part Catholic school girl one part rebel in my daydreams...My version of discovering the world.
In my single days- I was in Event and Entertainment marketing- traveling the World, meeting celebrities, staying in amazing hotels...trying new foods and wines and music... listening Bare Naked Ladies & the Counting Crows... Discovering the world from hotels and planes. And now... I am discovering the world through their eyes... Through photographs, through talking to you...through Autism -which has taught me to look at everything differently...And it has enriched and entertained my core in a way I've never felt before. I wonder what music will define this decade for me? I never know until after. Monday the whole family went to Greyson's and my special spot... and my heart stopped when I realized it was closed...and newly boarded up. Until I realized we could just jump the fence...and the World inside was ours to discover... He hit the ground and just went... And behind the fence we visited my house in my daydreams...with pond out front... Tractor out back and trees all around... I'm sure if I really lived there I'd hate how old it was, I'd hate how everything was old and always broke down, how it never felt clean...I'd hate the not-kid friendly stair cases wrapped around the outside of the house straight up to the sky... But in my dreams, it is perfect...the boys play out front in the frog pond... Here they are bitty sized... This little big guy had a tail AND legs (behind the tadpole up front)...he's getting ready for his final big change...Do you think his frog Momma cries and says- Oh- they grow up so fast? Probably... My little bit rock and roll wouldn't go for it...but my little bit country...can totally picture herself there... In the groundhog day to day of life, don't forget to make time to Discover the World. Look around, pay attention...What do you see, feel, hear and smell? Don't let a silly fence stop you.