It's funny...whenever you have a child that doesn't speak- the stories come out of the woodwork. When Greyson was 22 months old, his speech delay went from a small concern to a bigger red flag. And as time passed slowly that gap in what he was doing and what he should be doing grew bigger.
Everywhere I went I would hear stories of friend's cousin's neighbor's ex-coworker who had a boy who didn't speak a word until he was 4, and now he's the president of the United States. There were days when those stories helped me make it through that day... times when they provided a small spark of hope... but finally the day came that I couldn't deny my truth any longer.
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 out of every 54 boys will be diagnosed with Autism... One of the 3 main components of Autism is a delay in speech. I share that in the hopes that as Woman --we don't feel the need to say whatever it takes to make another Mother feel better...sometimes a sugar-coated baby truth or just a listening ear is OK too.
I'd like to tell you something...not to get advice or suggestions...all I really need from you is a listening ear, an I'm praying for you, a hug, or a you can do this...I think about it every day...
It's this guy...
He's over 18 months old now...Except for very few words...we are still waiting for him to talk...And with a tightening chest that hurts to breath, I am hoping...and this waiting feels all too familiar and raw to me...like it's opening up a scar that had yet to heal... I wear it proudly--my battle wound...It says - I can do hard things... But I don't know if I can do this all over again...
So many days I talk myself out of thinking about the future...and I do a damn good job at it...but some days the worry gets my hands to shaking...I don't like writing about it...thinking about it...giving it air time... But tonight for some reason I was ready...Because no matter what happens... I can do hard things... I am a Warrior...
I thought for sure Parker was going to be a slam dunk. I thought he would know the quadratic formula by heart by the time he was 11 months old...you know- so I wouldn't have to worry an ounce. I'm gonna have to have a long talk with God about this one...
But in the meanwhile, I do my best to focus on today...and if that is too much I just focus on this very instant.
None of us know what lies up ahead...
I want to leave this post on happy...so I will share with you some of the very best words I have ever read in my life, written by a woman by the name of Glennon Melton. You can find inspiration like this- and much much more at a place called Momastery. When I visit there, I remember how to live inside today. I remember that this instant is perfect...I remember that we are all our very own special kind of screwed up- and loving your own screwed upness is one of the keys to happiness...It's a safe place and a place that gives me permission to be myself...(Why I needed permission to be myself, I don't know).
I like you just the way you are, Friend.
Carry on, Warrior...
DON'T CARPE DIEM
Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh- Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard.These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON!CARPE DIEM!” - those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant fromToddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I amenjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I lovehaving written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.”And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
My heart just aches for you. I'm a Mom who is bargaining daily with God to let my 3 year old talk. I know all too well the pain that comes along with this. Heck, I tell God that I don't care if he says f*ck and sh*t all day long...if I could just hear, what I imagine to be, a beautiful little raspy voice, I will take swear words all day long. :) My heart and tons of big hugs go out to you, my dear.ReplyDelete
Hoping and praying that Parker finds his words soon so that you can breathe easier. And if he doesn't, I know you will find a way to do it again. Thanks for sharing the post from Momastery. I am going to try to find some more Kairos time in my day :).ReplyDelete
Friend - your "Warrior" post came a day after my son's ASD diagnosis. The first para of that post is exactly what you did for me just two days later: you rallied, and offered wisdom and support when I was reeling. It was truly meant to be. YOU - my friend - are truly meant to be. May you reap in spades the life, hope, and truth you sow into others. Parker WILL be okay, and one day he'll be a teenager and say things you want to smack him for, and you'll wish he'd STOP talking. ;)ReplyDelete