Thursday, November 15, 2012

tricking the demons

Sometimes it comes bubbling up slowly...and suddenly I can't breath. The thinking Demons usually wait until night to come out...I think that's one of the reasons I like writing...I'm hoping the Demons see that I'm good and busy and decide to go bother someone else.

I can't catch up...

And I know- I know- I know- the only people that are caught up are in the grave...

But I just need to take a deep breath...and for maybe just a day --feel content...caught up... not scared...
I don't think any of us feels caught up...or when we do- it's not a feeling as obvious as feeling not caught up.

 It's funny- being scared about the Thing is usually so much worse than the actual Thing.

Every time...

I remember back to things that have caused me deep feelings of fear...

Like 12 years ago- Moving from my home town in St. Louis Missouri to Los Angeles California... Quitting my job and leaving everything I ever knew... For a boy...Isn't that funny?! And the adult me would certainly counsel the younger me against doing something so stupid...but so awesome and so great and so worth it.

Or like 2 years ago, quitting my 100k+ job a year and moving from a home by the beach to come to the Central Valley of California...BAM...just one day- done. Life over- new Life begin...Leading up to it I was so afraid I would regret it. Little did I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be...not because I put a silver lining on it- but because it's the damned truth...

Man... even the fear I felt...knowing something was wrong with Greyson... For months I lived in an almost constant state of fear in my back burner brain... and finding out... it was so horrible...and just typing that made tears spring to my eyes and my throat is so tight I just want to cry for a day... but the fear that something was wrong was so much worse than the finding out... Because then I knew what to do. I was no longer paralyzed...I gave myself permission to mourn and move forward.

And I try to keep that in mind with Parker..The fear of the Thing is worse than the Thing...and I have to tell and retell myself when I start to Googlenoia.
(pronounced Google-noy-ya-- and it's when you stay up late at night and Google things that scare you- like your job or your children or your health or the economy- or- my just turned 19 month old isn't pointing talking or waving and his brother is Autistic- should I relax and go to sleep - or open a bottle of tequila and write a fricking country song?)

I want to ask a favor...Pray for me and for my little nest. I pray to accept what is- and I pray for Hope and Strength...With that I can do anything. If you need prayers- leave them in the comments... GO FOR IT. Throw it out there to the World...You can do it anonymously. That way we can pray for you too.

But I'm gonna be OK...

{Deep Breath}

So are you- and I know that because you found these words-- so we are meant to be, Friend.

I thought Grey was on the mend but I spoke too soon. Last night the longest stretch of sleep I had was one hour... I took both boys to the MD today.... They have some funky virus that's going around. Our RX is for lotsa' rest... I'm hoping they obey the doctors orders tonight.

In unrelated news, I took a shower today. Certainly one of my highlights of the past 24 hours.

And tonight I'm sharing a vintage LWG post from April 4th called Celebrate Life...


The second the line shows up on the stick, you suddenly have the capability to feel the most earthshaking, heart wrenching, bring you to your knees pain....and the most insanely intense full-body, heart in your throat joy. It's all part of the deal when you sign up. It takes you to the highest of highs and throws you down into the lowest of lows.

Now that I know this joy -I know in every part of my soul that I would not be ok without them in my world... If I somehow woke up in my past, I would demand to be fast-forwarded to this exact minute because I don't want to be part of a World where they don't exist.

They are a holiday I celebrate daily.


Yesterday, I was reminded of just how precious life is. I was also reminded that sometimes things happen that just plain suck. It is not my story to tell, but it was the kind of story you hear that makes you check on them one extra time at night...and stand at their door and wait for the calming rise and fall of their chest taking in each beautiful breath...and you smile and you thank your lucky stars and God and the Universe for blessing you with such gifts.

Family Walks....staying lighter longer means more of favorite.

Sometimes being their mom and dad involves pain...
Sometimes, I know, there is no silver lining... no- look on the bright glass half full.... Sometimes you must pick yourself out of bed in the morning...and you must breathe in and breathe out, all day long... and you must choose to be strong when you don't think you have it in you... if you are going through that kind of pain right now, I am so so sorry, friend.

There have been stories I've heard that help me realize,"A little thing like Autism? I can totally handle long as Grey gets to be in my life, I'll take whatever."
Sometimes I get sad and I forget that...but for today, I remembered.

Having children has changed my entire outlook on the World.

Old phrases take on new meaning... like...


He does whatever he can to get to the vacuum.





Take a note from your bitty....they know how to enjoy life in its simplest of forms....

Have a great day, my friend.



  1. Holding space for you and praying

  2. Chrissy...
    I will surely continue to pray for you, Mama!! I truly feel your pain. Something to keep in mind about Parker...although he may not be talking, pointing or waving, he seems to have excellent eye contact and he likes to play in and with things with various textures/colors that indicates to me that he doesn't have much issue when it comes to sensory stuff. Also, and most importantly he seems very happy and affectionate!!! So, he does have some very big plusses going for him!

  3. Prayers for you my friend......

  4. Praying for your family...

  5. Prayers for you and your family my sweet friend.