two faces

After being sick for 2 solid days, I'm pretty confident Parker and Greyson are ready to have Mom back. Despite Parker falling down some stairs and Michael blending the morning smoothie 2 days in a row without the lid, everyone is left a little cranky yet unscathed. Michael did an outstanding job holding down the house. I know Mom'ing is a marathon- and coping techniques are usually learned slowly- not under immediate fire...and the beginning and the end can get pretty tough.

Today after a trip to Urgent care and a prescription for antibiotics- I am on the mend. This afternoon I sat at Urgent Care for about an hour,  listening to every story told at the window -deciding if any story was worse than mine and warranted immediate care. I am competitive and lack empathy when I am hurt or hungry. I can remember being pregnant- Michael and I pulling into a restaurant parking lot. I'd see a large family slowly getting out of their car...

DROP ME OFF AT THE FRONT! I'd screech. 

What? Where? Michael -alarmed that my water had broken. 

THE FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT!!! NOW!! HURRY! I have to beat them in!  

Michael: Who? Looking around frightened.

Me: THEM! The people! ANY people. Just GO! And by the time he parked and came in- I was usually seated and placing my order.

Today at Urgent Care, a sick baby with 105 goes enters, baby stripped down to nothing but a diaper, his sweet eyes glazed over- at home on his Mother's shoulder.OK- I mentally decide, I will let them go before me. (I am aware my opinion has nothing to do with it- but it gave me the opportunity to feel like a big person.)

. 

Then comes in a guy in a wheelchair. He was helping his friend move and a pool table fell on his foot. I sit there- in awe that some jack hole actually asked his friend in a wheel chair to help him move. I mean really- can he even be called a friend? I listen intently to his story because reality TV has taught me that I am allowed to eaves drop on people... 

It was the friend that dropped it on him in fact. I sat there, jaw on the ground. Horrible! Terrible! (But he needs to go after me because it won't be any less broken in a little bit and I feel really terrible)...

Another guy enters with no health insurance. That makes me feel grateful for mine and terrible for him. He has to pay a $50 deposit to be seen, and leave his drivers license as collateral. 

(On my way out I realized the guy in the wheelchair was borrowing the wheelchair from urgent care- because of course he couldn't walk in with his hurt foot. So apparently he was just a guy helping his friend move. Not a guy in a wheel chair helping this horrible person move.)

I've got lots of thoughts, but not lots of energy right now... Tomorrow hopefully thoughts and energy will collide. Tomorrow I will tell you about our not one but TWO photo shoot attempts at the damned family Christmas card photo. Because the true spirit of Christmas is the photograph you send to other families showing off your perfect and happy family... (or baby Jesus or something like that).

And as much as I try to throw out old thoughts of perfection...I haven't yet on this one... I want it... The one of all of us... beautiful eye gazes at the camera... 

Like this- but different. Like without me manically trying to remove Greyson's kung foo grip from Plex the robot- and me -smiling..and everyone looking...

And I know for a FACT that photographing families- especially those with itty bitties is tough...but there are a zillion tricks that always end up making something work... But not with us- through no fault of the photographer. It just wasn't vibing...it's like Greyson needs me or Michael to be behind the camera...and when we would finally getting Grey looking- Parker had other thoughts in mind... 

Even these pictures make me feel sad...But only because his eye contact is just so needed for survival by my soul... This is the Greyson that most people see I think- and it's the Greyson that is around the most...but it's not Greyson to me...not how I see Greyson...

So I'm either going to make lemonade from our photos are think of a Plan B.

It's funny...I want something that doesn't really exist yet anyway... Frequent eye contact from Greyson. When I get it for no reason- it stops me in my tracks every time. I know you've seen it in some of my pictures...his eyes sparkle with alive so vibrant it burns...He could ask me for the moon or the sky or a roller coaster and I would spend the rest of my life making that come true for him in one little instant...When I see his eyes- like when he really looks at me- not because he has to... It's like I found my long lost son...and I remember he was there all along...and I am so relieved that not one ounce of my heart ever gave up on one little ounce of him... and his eyes make promises to me, and the love they show me in that instant makes me believe in everything.