it's not you

Last night Greyson woke up at 10:30- in tears...and until about midnight he cried and screamed straight through...to the point he was hyperventilating... Times like that it feels like he is a newborn baby and I am a brand new overwhelmed and vulnerable Mom...

Does your head hurt? 
Do your ears hurt?
Does Tummy hurt?
Are you hungry?
Thirsty? Want drink? although I knew it was more than that...

And the fact that I didn't understand him escalated his frustration further...so he started to scream louder...And the more I shhhh'd...the louder he got... All I could think is he is going to wake Parker any second and if that happened I was pretty sure there was going to be 3 people hysterical...

And after the screaming made my ears ring, I went from patient- to angry.... 
STOP CRYING!  I can't help you unless you tell me what you want! What is wrong? 

And if it was that easy he just would have done it... talked... 

I was past tired, overwhelmed, confused, concerned and frustrated... 

Finally, he fell asleep- and so did I.  And when I woke up, I was tired and overwhelmed and already exhausted...

We were rushing to make it to school...I pulled up exactly at the time school starts- 8:20...

I go to get Greyson out of his car seat to deposit him to the waiting Teacher's Aid, and as I am putting on his jacket and letting him have one more drink of his juice and saying my goodbyes- I am jolted to reality by the car behind me in the drop off line- honking it's horn... 



I finish what I'm doing...and without thinking I instantly go all old school Deniro Taxi Driver on the lady...

Are you honking at me? Are you honking at me??? Complete with gestures...

Those who know me know I am not really confrontational...which makes it funnier...

Oh man, I'm so glad the lady looked confused, then smug, then just waved and kept her head down while I kept my eyes on her as I got into my car... I didn't even know it- but I had a lecture at the tip of my tongue waiting for this frickin' honker... built up from frustration layered on anger on top of tired drizzled with sadness...

Are you talking to me? I see from my car clock that I took 3 minutes to unload my son... I know in every day life- that really is a crazy long time... My son takes 14 times as long as it just took your son to pop out of your car on his own and run into his class... My son takes a lot of patience... 

TRUUUUUUUUST ME, I KNOW... 



You see, I must personally hand him off to his Teacher's Aid so he does not run in the street or go in front of a car. He has absolutely no regard for his personal safety and has been known to dart into moving traffic and busy streets... I didn't put on his jacket until we arrived because I didn't have 12 extra minutes to chase him, pin him down and force him to wear his jacket ... My ears couldn't listen to one more single scream this morning so I thought I would wait until drop off where the screams may not occur or-- if they did- they would be muffled by the sounds of the World... And no- you actually don't understand "Because you have a 3 year old"... The tantrums are not the same... Not even in the same Universe of comparison...
As you saw, I made sure my son took a drink before he left... He doesn't talk and often doesn't even tell us when he is thirsty- even when his lips are chapped from dehydration...and when I see that I scold myself for not remembering more often to make him drink-- all day -every single day-- but some days I forget and it makes me feel horrible...We also took extra long because I needed my son to say goodbye to me...because I love him and the Sandy Hook tragedy affected me... I need the last thing he hears and sees from me to be loving...and he doesn't really talk very easily at all... So it takes numerous requests... Greyson- look at me...say bye to mom...Greyson...please look at me...Greyson I love you! Have a good day at school...and then it is all worth it because sometimes he actually will look at me for the fastest fraction of a second and tell me "Bye" and totally make my day... So I'm sorry all of that took 3 minutes, but it was pretty important...



The book, The Four Agreements is worth a read...and although it's been many years since I picked it up, I Google'd --because I needed some of its lessons today...

Don't take anything personally. 

Nothing others do is because of you.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. Nothing people do is because of you. In the same way, others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system. Nothing they think about me is really about me; it is about them. If I understand this, then when you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. 
You may even tell me,  "what you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself.

And just like that honk had absolutely nothing to do with me...My--Thank God I didn't but if her window had been rolled down I might have--imaginary rant would have had absolutely nothing to do with her. 

We are just 2 moms... doing the very best we can on any given day...and if I saw her now I would say- I'm so sorry it took me so long to drop off my son this morning- we had a rough night and I couldn't get it together quickly...and she would say- No! I'm sorry I honked...I was running late for work and it had been a terrible morning...

And we would hug and smile and brush each others hair and totally be OK...

And I had to keep that in mind a few times today...

Nothing people do is because of you... 

It helped...

____________________________
Lately I've been practicing gratitude... Looking for things for which to be grateful...and because my eyes are open to it- I am finding it... Score...It happened at the grocery store the other day...I was grateful while buying my fruit...piling whatever I wanted into my cart without having to think about cost...Not everyone has that luxury of mind...and it is something I often take for granted...

And again today... Sometimes I think taking Greyson and Parker to Speech Therapy is a chore...but today I was struck with the realization that it's a downright miracle and blessing...to have found professionals with standards as high as mine- that not only know what they are doing- but do it with passion... Wow...overwhelmingly grateful...





Parker and I discussing the show, The Bachelor, while Grey was inside doing speech...



This picture makes me spill over with grateful...Whenever I see his eyes in a picture- it takes my breath away...Still...For every picture of him looking at the camera- there are 25 more of me trying to get him to look at me...and when he does look at me it is so fast that I can't memorize his eyes...my camera shutter clicks fast- so it often catches this Holy Grail...Crazy, over the top kinds of grateful for my camera...so I can see into Greyson's soul...

Grateful...for my little dot from tonight... A babysitter for 1 hour and 45 minutes and a much needed mani pedi... 




And lastly...



6 days in and 400 Members strong... Each and every single one of you... Crazy giddy insane over the top grateful.... 

Yes, YOU...

Especially the ones that shared a link to this page on Facebook... 
I want to hit 500 members before the weekend is over... WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME? Share this page with everyone you know... Yes, even your mailman... Share it on your Facebook page... email a link to your friends... text it to your Mom... I would be so grateful for your help... If we get to 500- I'll shut up about it for awhile. Deal? 


What are you grateful for?  Look for it today...I bet you find it...