keep jumping

I feel a faint cloud over Holidays... Not a downpour... but gray skies for sure.

I think each year will get easier. The sad lingers less each time... I'm working at no expectations but it's going to take some practice... I kind of suck at it right now.

Easter ended at 10AM at our house.  I was done trying to force Greyson to partake... Not that he understood - Look what the Bunny left... I mean - can you imagine?  I'm trying my damndest to help him make sense of the World... a World he finds so confusing due to Autism... and a life sized rabbit leaving eggs with candy really doesn"t make sense to me... not sure how I would explain that one...

I'm pretty sure I was yelling - PICK UP EGG!!! PUT IN BASKET!!! at this point.

Parker was also not interested in hunting for eggs... 

Greyson- Jesus has risen from the dead so let's go celebrate the Resurrection by looking for eggs a human sized bunny left in our yard... Oh- and by the way- he's not real... The Easter Bunny that is- not Jesus... 

After a couple of minutes (of getting yelled at to look for eggs) he just wanted to go inside... 

In a huff, I gathered up the eggs from the yard, consolidated the boys baskets and put the rest of everything out of sight. Out of mind then too- right? 

Me, Cynical? Noooo....well maybe...but just for today...

But guess what? We are still going to do holidays at our house... Because they celebrate something much bigger than Santa and Chocolate bunnies... And when I remember that- the big picture- it doesn't sting so bad... 

And the day wasn't all bad...not at all once I decicided it wasn't Easter anymore... 

Parker and I played in the water puddles created from our neighbors drive way car wash... 

And my heart soared when Parker said ball so perfectly...twice... we withhold objects to try to get Parker to repeat a word...Parker- do you want the ball? Say Ball... He makes noises that I think he thinks sounds like what he's supposed to say- but actually just sounds like aihreihrishjfd... But this time it was totally ball... 

And I even Car in the bath when we were getting clean... And it felt better than Easter it was so good... 

We are so grateful for Teacher Amber and her mad patience and speech skills... Way to go Parker and Amber! 

And it was a good day because there was jumping... lots and lots of jumping... 

Just keep jumping... 
____________________________

I hate it when someone asks me a question and I have absolutely no idea of the answer. A question like- What's your phone number? I pause- heart beating rapidly... 

I'm sorry...What was that? I ask- pretending not to have heard so I can buy time... 

It happened when I for an MRI on my neck a few months back. The tech asked- What kind of music do you like? 

Ummm - music?  I couldn't think of one single song, let alone one that I liked.  Finally I thought of a song - Happy Birthday? No - don't say that... I don't know - I think I like emo, I said... I think that's what it's called. 

I was referring to a style of music - like Emotional/Singer songwriter.  I got onto the bed of the MRI, I was strapped into place and was then moved into the tunnel... The Technician gave me instructions - I wasn't supposed to swallow during each scan - shich usually lasted 2-3 minutes... I was barely breathing as to not shake the machine...

And then the music started - and it was screaming angry punk music... Emo must also sound like some random Punk band... and suddenly it got harder to breathe... All I could feel was ice cold panic.  The air was stale... I couldn't move... I couldn't swallow away the fear in my throat.  I felt like I was going to die.  I wanted to jump up but I was enveloped by the machine.  I wanted to stretch and flail my legs and spread my toes and just start screaming -- I need out!!  Get me out!!  But I mind over mattered myself through and didn't think about it again until this past Saturday when I went to get a MRI of my shoulder.

The Technician asked what music I liked... Oh No - This hard question again?  Why didn't I do my homework?  How did I gorget about this?

I looked so confused... Um... I like Dave Matthews... type stuff... Um... something mellow... I had a really bad experience with some violent punk stuff last time...
I laid on the bed and was velcro'ed down... I was told not to move my right hand... and my hands started shaking... and the machine was so loud - banging and clicking, ringing and vibrating... Deep breaths... And all of a sudden I tought back to Greyson at a birthday party a week prior...

Holy shit, this is exactly how he felt I thought.  We were at Pump It Up - an indoor arena with wall to wall bounce houses and slides... A dream for most kids... But it was a nightmare for Greyson and many Autistic kids with overly sensitive sensory experiences... I was pitch black in the room with the only lighting being emitted were from glow sticks strobe lights and chasing colored beams...

The sound of music and children squealing penetrated the air... Greyson instantly had a fight or flight response... Michael was holding him and he strated thrashing to break free as if his very life depended on it... And for all the times I have no idea what I'm doing in Parenting - this very moment I knew exactly what to do... And I took his little body and held him tight... and we wend and sat on the floor up against a wall away from the action... I could feel his heart pounding... and he was pointing towards the door telling me - OUT! OUT! And there was a part of me that thought - Just relax and deal little dude... it will get easier... It's not a big deal... just some pretty lights... We are going to sit this through... And there was another part of me that thought - This is too hard for both of us - we should just go... But we made it over that terrible hump and we stayed.

But all of the sudden in this MRI maching I felt his pain... and it was a big deal... and although not rational - his feelings are real... and I will always challenge him to go outside his comfort zone - but I will try and remember how it feels to feel so completely scared and overstimulated...

And while in the MRI, without moving a muscle, cool tears ran out the corner of my eyes... because I was so amazed and proud of my son... sometimes it just makes my heart ache... and if Greyson can do hard things - things that scare the very Life out of him... than so could I...

And... so... can you...