Thursday, March 21, 2013

move forward

Sometimes it's still hard for me to grasp that I'm an actual Parent. Greyson goes to typical preschool one day a week with a Special Education shadow as part of our eclectic treatment plan. It's the same Magical school he went to last year. We love it there.  As I was driving away today I was thinking- I can't believe I'm a Mom...and I have a kid...and he goes to school...and then I exploded into a fit of giggles- because I'm just a kid too...I was just 27 five minutes ago...5 minutes and 12 years ago I mean..

I brought some of my favorite words to share with Poet Mary Oliver...

The Uses of Sorrow

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

(deep breath)...Beautiful...And when I read that for the first time, for just an instant Life made sense. And I think when we can be real about our lives... When we can admit- I too have a box of darkness...When our outsides can match our insides...when we live loud and truthful and authentic - then we will be so much more at peace with ourselves... And I focus daily, and remind myself daily that even when Life is hard- even when the dark is spilling over from box- it is beautiful. Beautiful- not despite its flaws but due to their very presence.

Have you ever met someone without an edge? Someone who always tried to be - My life is so great- my husband is so great- my kids are so great and my everything is so great? They aren't real. They hide their box of darkness. They are some of the saddest inside people I have ever met. 
Their box of dark is actually bigger because it never even peaks open to see the light. 

How about people that constantly complain...pessimists... empty glassers... They don't have a box of dark...because everything is already dark. Are you a self defined realist?...Friend, that's another term for pessimist... Are you staying a realist so you aren't disappointed by Life?...think about it- you already are disappointed daily... Take a chance...Get let down...Practice being vulnerable and honest and sad instead of up to others...I'm pretty certain the real you is so much prettier than the realist you...

Later this afternoon the Bitty G man had speech...

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We stole a few minutes before and after to play...

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And then played some more while we speeched...

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The ride home. He works so extraordinarily hard.


I never ever ever comment on anything remotely controversial on Facebook... But I saw this today on my Newsfeed and thought- Wow. I wonder when the CDC released new findings about the overall prevalence of Autism- it's usually all over the news...I can't believe I didn't hear this...

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So I read the study the information was based on and realized this isn't an apple to apple analysis...the 2 can not be compared- the overall prevalence finding are still 1 in 88. The numbers are bad enough- why skew the data with facts that are not comparable? To create a frenzy? To sell books? To drive foot traffic to their website? 

And then there was comment after comment about how stupid Doctors ignorant people are about it's all about the not vaccines- antibiotics and fetal cells in Diet Pepsi (what?! I don't give my kids Pepsi!)...No- it's physicians over diagnosing  Autism because they like to prescribe drugs (double what?!)...and people arguing with one another over their own respective theories...People who are supposed to be each others people...and there was just so much anger.

And I felt like I had to I did...

It's still 1 in 88 diagnosed with ASD in the general public. The CDC has not changed their overall prevalence findings. This was one cohort study of children 6-17 years old with ASD as reported by parents. I am a parent to 2 children with Autism- I think Awareness is key- but I think it's important to use real facts...

(Friend- ASD stands for Autism Spectrum Disorders).

And then someone has the nerve to write- Are you seriously going to argue over 1 in 50 versus 1 in 88? OK, let's say 1 in 100 and give you the benefit of the doubt. Who freaking cares??? Look at the big picture. 

Ohh.....Now I was mad...LIVID... Checking and rechecking the stupid comments... (See why I don't get involved with this kind of stuff- I TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY!!!) 

I sooooo wanted to write back-  

Yes Dani, actually I am going to argue the difference. Have you ever taken a class in statistics? 1 in 50 and 1 in 88 is a HUGE difference...I find it troublesome that you are using your energy to attack someone dealing with Autism instead of helping the cause. Let's be on the same side and pool that energy . Dani, I was in pharmaceutical sales for 7 years and if any one of the companies I worked for used skewed data to create emotional propaganda--and used false facts- they would have gotten their pants sued off. Sales reps can also be fired and sued if they purposely skew data - to make a point or even infer something that is not specifically listed on the respective drug's package insert. It's unethical and I hold myself to the same standards of truth that the FDA holds pharmaceutical companies. 

And everyone is entitled to an opinion- and entitled to voice it...Yes...even Dani... And although it was not the case for us, I believe Parents who said they saw their child deteriorate after being vaccinated and then in turn get diagnosed with Autism. They can and should share that information in channels that make sense. My heart breaks with you. I believe there is no one size fits all with Autism though. I believe there is merit in many current Autism theories like chemicals in the environment, antibiotic use in chicken and cows, GMO's and much more...But the anger...the anger is just too much for me to absorb...and so I don't participate in discussions or groups that communicate like that...

And I just wanted to write back to everyone...

Listen, your kid has Autism. Get over it. 

If you don't get over it- it will get over you and then crush you because it's pretty huge... Move on. Move forward.  It sucks, it's sad, it's hard, it's expensive- YES- I validate all your feelings... It is all those things that people talk about. It creates a hole inside your soul that will never be filled again...But you must move forward. Talking about vaccines, stupid doctors, ignorant people and random medical theories evokes no change- shares no intelligence and keeps people stuck in the same ditch... It creates arguments amongst the very people that should be uniting. How is your anger helping your child? How is your anger helping you?  How is that creating public Awareness?  How is that instigating change? 

Anger doesn't educate others. Anger never wins...

Do you know someone who has lost a child? Talk to them. Ask them about the ache of not being able to hold their little bodies...ask them about picking out an outfit to bury their child in.  Ask them what it feels like to dream about them and then wake up and realize they are gone all over again...Ask them what is usually the first thing on their mind in the morning and the last thing they think of at night. Ask them what they would do to kiss them one last time and smell their sweet smell.  Ask them if they would bring them back to Life- if they had to be Autistic... 

The truth is- they would do anything in the World to have just a moment with their child...And not having them around creates a constant ache I couldn't even begin to imagine..And to me- that sounds like a pain so much bigger than Autism...

My sons have Autism...and they are alive...They give me moments of clarity and moments of pain. They remind me that I am alive too. They are a prayer of Hope for many. 

And every night I can kiss their little faces and squeeze their little bums. I see myself in them. I see a future in them. They remind me to Love out loud. They are a blessing and not even ones in disguise.

Your kid has Autism. Get
 over it.  


I know anger is inticing...Like in my Target situation it would feel so good just to throw out an FU- but guess what? That would be immediate gratification for me and a learning opportunity lost for the person who deserved that FU. Because when you throw out an FU- you wind up as the crazy person that said FU- and anything else you say before or after instantly loses credibility. I want to be the person that changes the way people think about the very essence of Life and Autism and humankind and the World...and that can only happen with truth and integrity.  I want my words to stick.

When Michael and I get into a fight and he yells mean angry stupid stuff at me- I shut down. I don't listen at all. It never instigates change...It makes me angry and it makes me want to do whatever it is even more...But when he comes to me honestly and calmly with real and truthful words- that makes an impact. And the funny thing is- I think most of us are like that. We respond defensively to anger and positively to calm and honest truth...  But sometimes anger gets the best of us and we can't control it in that instant... We have to remember -anger doesn't ever win. And if you do get angry-don't make it worse by getting angry with yourself- forgive yourself and just do better the next time.



Life with Greyson is on Facebook creating happy conversations. 


  1. I have actually quit reading comments on most articles, because I rarely find any information worth learning. And it kind of makes me lose faith that we are the world I want to live in, who love and support each other. These comments seem to come from uninformed, angry, people who have an opinion on EVERYthing.
    Good for you for chiming in with relevant facts and actual first hand knowledge of the subject. And major kudos for refraining from the FU.
    Love, light & happiness to you and your beautiful family. Jennifer

  2. Big pharma is controlled by the illuminati and they lie about all their medical facts. In fact, the illuminati created the Aids virus and create all diseases for their own sick satanic ritual purposes. Pharmaceuticals don't cure any disease they just slowly kill the patient and lessen the side effects as they do it. Big pharma has been hiding cures for cancer and all diseases because it's all about profits. They know their vaccines are poisonous and include dangerous toxins but the illuminati are also the Nazi's from nazi germany, in fact, our government moved all the Nazi soldiers into the U.S. after Nazi germany under Project Paperclip and this is why they are secretly murdering people through Big Pharma. They even put mercury in our dental fillings which is the most dangerous metal and we suck on it all day and breath in the fumes. They are currently spraying our air with nano bots which are tiny microchip implants to turn the population into mind controlled zombies. They are also spraying our air with viruses.
    If you want a chance at curing your children of the toxins and brain inflamation from the vaccines, see someone like Dr. Buttar in North Caroline. Your children are young enough where there's a chance for them to recover. Dr. Buttar cured his own child of autism. IT's not a disease, but an accumulation of toxins. IF you want to test for the exact toxins in your childrens bodies see a toxicologist like Dr. Hildegarde STaninger in Los Angeles, she may find the viruses and heavy metal load that can show you that it's toxicities. Your children will feel better after getting rid of the viruses injected in through the vaccinations, they may recover like Dr. Buttar's children. The biggest mistake people make is to believe Big Pharma and our government. They are run by the same families who mass murder people throughout the centuries and are satanists. You can research this on youtube. Don't give up. You have a chance to recover your children. And when you do wake up to the truth, it's time to help wake up others! And it's ironic that you chose Parker as your son's name, as i recall you had a party in Los Angeles called Parker party in Brentwood.