Wednesday, March 27, 2013

hope for the future

Yesterday I was at the grocery store by myself. I had the rare opportunity to be aware of my surroundings. As I was going through the aisles- I heard it... A voice that sounded so familiar although I know I have never heard it before...and if this Mother and Son weren't checking out at the same time I was- I would have never even created thought about that voice- I just would have stored it away forever.

This boy was probably about 12 years old... And he was intent on using an electronic hand held device to scan each item separately- although they could have been slid across the flat scanner much faster and easier. And this boy was quietly and without expression enjoying the process so much I could feel it in the air. And as their groceries cascaded down to the self bagging area, he brought a small reusable bag and said in that beautiful ever so slightly robotic voice- Mom- should I put all the groceries in one bag? And there were at least 10 bags worth of groceries.

And with Love and patience that was not at all forced she said, You know babe, I don't think it will all fit in there...and he said OK...and in that discussion eye contact was never exchanged...And I was just watching, spellbound... and I can't explain it- but there was just so much love there... And I didn't see it on the shelves when I was walking through the aisles- but I left that grocery store armed with the biggest bag of hope you could imagine.
And I had to slowly slide my sunglasses from the top of my head down onto my nose to hide the hope that was coming out of my eyes.

And I went to the car where I was free to cry...a happy, hopeful cry. And I woke up at 4:50am last night and was suddenly wide awake yet exhausted...And I just started thinking...And one of the stupid thoughts on my brain was- What if insurance doesn't reimburse us for speech therapy for Grey? It's $85 extra each week. How can we afford to go forever? 

And suddenly I remembered this story about this boy at the grocery store...this communion I had witnessed...and I felt peace wash over me...and I don't know why- it wasn't even the boy's ability to speak. It was the normalness of it all. The Love I felt from the Mom. The way he followed her around the store safely- and never tried to run to the front quickly and dangerously to watch the automatic doors open over and over again like it was a ride at Disney land...I didn't see the Mom unshowered and breathless with hands shaking running through the store to find her son, silently thanking God he hadn't run into the parking lot while cursing herself for letting him practice walking freely in the store and then turning her back for a second. 

He just scanned their items...beep beep beep

There is no doubt in my mind that he was calm, yet happy. And I realized then- if Greyson never speaks I will be OK. I just felt it. I just knew it. Because I saw someone else's present which could be my future...and I realized with hope- we will live through all of this. That could be us in ten years. Things won't always feel this chaotic. 

And although I wanted to, of course I didn't say anything to the Mom...What was I supposed to say- Excuse me- Does your son have Super Powers? I think he might because mine has them too. I've had a few people tell me they could tell Greyson was Autistic when they saw him and I just find that such an uncomfortable thing to hear. I mean- To me he totally comes off as Autistic- with his tantrums and flapping hands and lack of speech...and we clearly have nothing to hide...but he also works his damndest all day long to assimilate to this Typical World- so the more he stands out for Austistic reasons- the more I recognize how much he still has to overcome. My hope is that people notice my child...not the Autism.

Tonight we went to the park because it was already witchy by 4:30pm. I drove the long way there because broomsticks can't keep up with cars- and the silence and containment of the boys while in the car was just so delicious.... 

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We went to Woodward Park to walk around, chat with the ducks and play at one of the playground areas. 

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Sorry Doodle -I don't think so mister... not getting in the water this time... Swamp thing happend just one week ago tonight... 

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Parker, eating dirt...

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And I must admit at times I was on my cell phone while the kids were playing. And I've read articles and blogposts on how important every moment with them is-how we should work to be a handsfree Mom- and how we shouldn't waste precious time on our phone while they are growing up so quickly right before our eyes...

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Oh- but I assure you- I was not wasting the moments. I needed them to stay sane. If I soaked up every fricking moment I would overflow. Sometimes my kids need the park- and sometimes I need my phone.  Some days I am just fresh out of carpe'ing. I need to zone out and connect with the outside World... I looked at an article my neighbor sent me, I forwarded a recipe to my friend Wendy, I sent a text thanking Cynthia who left me and the boys dinner on our doorstep...

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Thank you, spoil us! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.

And I needed to be on my phone to choose love for my friend Nick and anybody else that wants it. 

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So here's the deal... I'm all seized out and it's been a damn long Diem- so in just going to mentally check out here if you don't mind...And so I did... They played and I phone'ed. I am plugged into my sons...I love to watch them play. I know time goes by so fast- but sometimes I just need to zone out with my phone. I'm confident that doesn't make me a bad Mom. 

Ahhh...look, we've finally conquered the day, Friend... And it's capped off by this beautiful moon that we both get to share...

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Have a great day....



  1. Thanks for sharing a part of your day.

  2. Yea! for hope <3 PS - I stole your Love picture & posted it as my profile picture on FB :) I am getting married in 25 days & am thankful for the right to do so, and wish everyone the same opportunity.
    Love & Happiness to you, Jennifer

  3. I couldn't have said it better...I want people to notice my child, not the autism. AMEN!!! Thanks for the comforting words today my friend.

  4. Beautifully written as always

  5. Love this post! The writing, the message, the moments and the pictures. Love your perspective and contagious optimism. Thanks for the smile :)