Thursday, June 6, 2013


Get it out.

Mull it over.

Talk to someone about it. 

No matter how trivial or huge or scary or isolating it feels. Give others the chance to relate to you. To the real, authentic, honest you. You will feel weird and scared and different and then happy and lighter afterwards...

Practice saying I'm not OK. I'm scared. Help. I'm overwhelmed. I don't think I can do this sometimes. 

It's an honor when you share your story with me... I think it's brave. And if someone is brave and shares their story with you- just listen and honor it and hold it tight- but loose enough so it doesn't know- like you would an egg (assuming you are not Greyson)...

It's easy to want to help and say- You should blank... or You shouldn't blank...or It's not so bad or At least you don't...or- Everything happens for a reason...or It is what it is... 

I know- it's hard to know the right thing to say- and that's OK...Usually the person needs your ears and not your mouth though... You just hold their story all loosey/tight and remember it and say thank you for sharing that with me and I think you are brave- and include any other adjectives that describe that person.

It's really hard for me to say that stuff in the moment- Help, I'm not OK.... Having a rough week and writing about it is hard for me. Writing about the really hard stuff is hard... It makes me feel guilty to Parker and Greyson sometimes. It makes me feel weak and different and insecure and vulnerable and unbearably incapable sometimes. It makes me feel like I feel too much almost all the time. 

But I do it anyway because it helps me connect..And I'm always glad because it helps me realize I am not alone. It helps me when I hear that you can relate... It lightens the load tremendously... It makes me realize we aren't that different... When I listen to other people talk I am drawn to those who admit their own truth- even when it isn't perfect or pretty. ESPECIALLY when it isn't perfect or pretty. 

Life is messy..Families, marriage, careers, kids...Life is complicated. That doesn't mean we are doing it wrong. There's a lot we can't control... Everyone has dysfunctional stuff going on... Most people just don't talk about it. Everyones Life is different and screwed up to some degree...I promise.

I think sometimes I try to put on a show- but not for you...for me... I want to be the girl who has it all together...and sometimes I am...but sometimes I am scared that I'm the only one completely screwing up.

I'm my own worst drill sergeant.

Buck up!
Get it together!
No whining!
Get over it already.

That looks terrible.
Why can't you?

I think the drill sergeant needs to screw off. 

Thank you for letting me practice being real and imperfect with you. I hope you practice with the people around you. Sometimes it takes us a few times to learn. There's going to be some screw ups in between. Welcome the screw ups- they get you one step closer to your goal.

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I don't like Kai lan. In case you don't have littles or Nick Jr- She's a gal who always has all the answers. While her Friends are screwing up- she is lecturing and pointing out the right thing to do. Every time... Why can't she ever get a tattoo or steal a Bartles and James wine cooler from ye ye's fridge? 

It's funny that I sometimes trick myself into wanting to be the girl who has all the answers and is perfect- yet that's exactly the type of girl I don't care to hang out with or watch on Nick Jr. I didn't realize that until I just typed that out... I wouldn't want to hang out with the me I am sometimes trying to be... funny... She can go hang out with the Drill Sergeant...

Being imperfect, human, flawed and real gives others permission to do the same and to admit to the same.

This morning I cancelled Parker's Behavior Therapy so I could take him to the Dr. to get his hives checked out. 

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I remember this moment... seeing his feet tucked up under littlest big boy... just him and I waiting in the waiting room...and I have my hand on my heart right now because it was just so special... Instead of giving him up to Autism therapy from 9-12 today- I just got to be his regular old Mom... we were out of the house together... Just Parker and I... 

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Don't worry- that's a fruit snack on his chest...

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He's having some kind of allergic reaction. The hives should be gone in the next day or two. We love Dr. Demera. He really cares- he asked me to text him Friday so he knew how Parker was doing. That's the kind of old-fashioned caring that I love.

And afterwards we went to Target together. Me and my little buddy...Just like it was just a regular old thing for us.

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We went to buy a swim suit for Grey. Today was water play day at Grey's typical preschool and this morning before school I ran from room to room looking for his suit- which was no where to be found. I didn't want him to be that kid without a suit...

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And I had so much fun hanging out with all the kids... I know so many of them by name- and they know me... Hi Chrissy Kelly! They yell out- which totally makes my day... I got to watch Parker play with the other kids too-which made me so happy... I love his school because they never make me feel like the Mom with the kid still attached at the umbilical cord...which I full am...

And I kid you not... this afternoon I went to the bathroom alone for 2 minutes...

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And all I can do is laugh...

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And today wasn't hard... Today was good...Even though it was hard... I know- I don't understand...

I can't believe it- did you know they invented something to make sure your child can't take your eggs out of the fridge and break them?

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Sometimes you just have to look at the same things in a different way...


  1. Love this post. For so many different reasons. You are doing it right, and so very well. Thanks again for making me see the world in a different light, a brighter one.

  2. Such a great post, Chrissy! I love all the things you said.

  3. Shine on sister! I loved this. I was (hopefully past tense) Kai-lan. Not to be a you're-so-dumb-why-can't-you-figure-it-out but because I genuinely wanted to take away the sadness or confusion or whatever my friend was sharing. A fixer, not a feeler. I never thought there was much productive about feeling - just get on with life. Move forward. And now I am wondering what the people in my life would say. If they still think I am Kai-Lan. Thanks, again, for your thought provoking words. Thanks, too, for the beautiful pictures of your loves. :) Love & happiness to you sweet mama, Jennifer

  4. I don't usually post on blogs, but I wanted you to know how much I do appreciate you, and the things you write each time. Reading your blog means so much to me. You're sharing about life with autism, but you're also just sharing about being a mom, and human being, and how it's so hard, and we feel like failures sometimes, but we keep trying. I love your honesty. I love that you let yourself be vulnerable, that you share your difficulties and not just your triumphs. So many people keep that side of themselves hidden, but if everyone hides it from others, then everyone feels like it's just them that feels that way, and we all feel alone. You are not alone in feeling like a screw-up sometimes. I feel that way all the time. ALL the time. My children do not have autism, but we all have our own personal mountains to climb. Life with my children is HARD. Being a mother, by definition, is HARD. Being a person, by definition, is HARD. Thank you so much for being honest about this hardness, for sharing your life with us, for sharing your awesome boys (both the wonderful parts and the horribly difficult parts). For being you. Thank you.