Tonight's words are a hodge podge of scattered thoughts floating through my head today.
Thank you so much for loving my letter from Greyson in yesterday's post. I was surprised and honored and excited to get such amazing love and words back from you. Kind of blows this girl and her computer away.
But on the flip side, I'm tired, and any words I give birth to tonight are going to be crap compared to Greyson's words yesterday. Writer, Anne Lamott says, Creativity--commitment to the creative spirit--is medicine. Discipline is the path to freedom, and I get that... so I write anyway.
Sorry. (sheepish grin)
Awareness is everywhere. Breast Cancer Awareness. Autism Awareness. Aids Awareness. Diabetes Awareness. Alzheimer's Awareness and so many more.
I used to think Awareness meant- Make sure you are aware that this thing exists. Now that I am sharing Autism Awareness, I know it goes so much deeper and wider and higher than that. It's an awareness on how it impacts life, our world and the people in it.
My goal is for autism awareness to be a byproduct of this blog. I'm also writing to promote Happy Awareness. I think we all could use a little more of it in the world. I think we all deserve a little more. If reading this blog also helps you see the happy that already exists in your own life, then I'm doing my job.
Please note: I do not discuss Perfection Awareness or Beat yourself up Awareness or Not Enough Awareness... Many of us are far too aware of those particular in life.
Have you been listening to this song? You simply must click on the link right now. Listen to it. Then come back to me. The song- it fills me up in little bits...That's what I love about quotations and reading and writing and songs and just any version of art... You get to apply your own meaning and then swiftly pour it into your own life. No meaning is wrong. That's what makes us all relate. We are beauty diggers and seekers and and finders and sharers.
I'm not sure- I think maybe it's supposed to be a sexy song, but all I feel when I listen to it I think of it as more truthful. Raw.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
It's easy sometimes for us to hide under our cars or our makeup or our armor or the cheerful face we think the world expects and just hide the real person that's been there all along. But I think you owe it to the world to be the real you. Because if you aren't being the real you, who are you being?
Own it all, Friend. The nitty and gritty and sharp and soft... It's not always super easy for me but I push through, because if I don't have me I don't have anything. The reward is great. I always know when I'm being extra truthful because I feel weird and icky and like maybe I shouldn't say this and then I say it anyway because I can't not and for a moment I feel stupid and then WHOOOOOOOOSSHHHHHH... It's like a relief because it just feels so good to tell the truth.
Being pregnant makes you a magnet for other people's horror delivery stories.
Me with a Doodle in my belly... 8 months along.
Oh my yes, lady at Target. I'm so sorry that your vagina exploded into a million pieces all over the delivery room and now you have to poop through your ear... uh huh...a transfusion...Wow, no, I've never heard of that either... Um.... well, I'm going to grap a bag of Jalapeno Potato Chips and rock in the corner now.
I remember when Greyson was about 3 weeks old. I was exhausted and flubby and leaky and felt so tired and ugly and gross. I started to cry to a friend- Why didn't anyone tell me how HORRIBLE this is? Why didn't anyone say how AMAZING it is? I only heard about the tip of it all. And that's exactly how it felt for me... Painfully extreme. Excruciating. Exquisite.
People tried to tell me...
Better sleep now- You won't sleep again for 18 years.
Kids are so expensive and time consuming.
Enjoy every moment! It goes by so fast!
But I just don't think there are real honest to goodness letters that can be strung together to form the words for what an outrageous experience it all is. You can't sum it up in just a few sentences or words or books or lifetimes. The amazing is just so hand over heart amazing and the horrible is just so shattering.
And worth it... A million times over worth it.
For me, labor was a dream with Greyson. Swear. That's not even time lying- I said the same thing that very day. It was the strongest and most capable and magical I've ever seen my body. It was the closet to God I've ever felt. And the moment I first saw him made every bad thing that's ever happened to me, for just a moment, instantly wash away. Everything in Life made sense for a moment in time.
Okay, until tomorrow, Friend...
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