Tuesday, September 3, 2013

out of control

Sometimes I think that the caffeine receptors in my brain are broken. Or maybe the caffeine is broken or possibly on delayed release. All day I pour it in my mouth in the hopes that I will suddenly be a jumping, skipping, chipper Mary Poppins. In reality I am usually in slow motion. At least that's how it feels. By around 8pm the mascara gathers under my eyes- keeping my dark circles company. Despite my incredibly undrunkeness, I am slurring my words and it's hard to form a coherent thought- which is why I keep notes throughout the day about the things I want to write about at night. Then around 9pm I start to wake up and come alive and by about 11pm I lie in bed, eyes wide open and awake. 

Today I didn't keep writing notes, therefore, please allow me to apologize in advance. Like I like to say- sometimes when you want to be good at something, you have to be willing to suck at it sometimes too. The important part is the keep trying part- not necessarily the final output part. I want to be a writer, a hope-r, a happy sharer and a world changer...so I bring to you the best I am capable of right now. It's not 110%, not even 100... more like 38%. 

I'm stuck. Blocked. My brain part that holds words is constipated. I've been in a brain funk for a string of days in a row. And today I kept wondering- Why are you in a funk?...Which was a terrible to focus on because it opened my mind to the things that aren't awesome that I wasn't even noticing in the first place. I guarantee if I asked you- What do you have to be unhappy about? Every one of you could probably answer...which would then open the door to more thinking about what makes you unhappy in your life...which is a TERRIBLE pattern of thought. Please, don't even try it. 

I just kept digging...Well, maybe I'm annoyed because I have two kids with autism...or maybe because Michael and I have been fighting a lot lately. Maybe it's because Summer is over which makes me so sad. Or maybe because my stupid pants were tight when I put them on this morning. Am I bored, restless, exhausted? Maybe it's because I'm turning 40 in four months...And then I just stopped looking because it wasn't very much fun at all. It was like a scavenger hunt where each item found is actually a punch in the face.

And I SHOULD be happy, because I have a lot for which to be grateful- which then makes me feel even worse. But I believe we are all entitled to a little unhappy now and again. It's what makes us real and helps us to appreciate the good. And I am also realizing that SHOULD is actually a bad word in disguise and I'm trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary. People should, he should, she should, I should- whatever comes after that is always the opposite of reality.

Deep breath. I surrender, World, I SURRENDER!!! FINE. I admit I am NOT in control. Some greater power is- God, fate, destiny- whatever you want to call it. I play the lead role in my own Life- but I'm not always the writer. Relinquishing control and deep breathing- something I have to work on daily. Autism blew into my Life to teach me that I'm not control of anything. It's unpredictable- which is pretty much an antonym of control.

 photo _MG_9569_zpsd51b99f7.jpg

 photo _MG_9575_zps76f56b7a.jpg

I am so used to driving the bus that sometimes I don't realize that I'm supposed to sit back and just enjoy the ride.

 photo _MG_9573_zps897a1630.jpg

Letting go. It has happened and it is happening in steps. Like a 12-step program- except so far there have been about 3,904 steps and I'm not even close to done. Autism- at first the pain of not being able to control it was almost unbearable. For once I couldn't stay up working on it all night to fix it. I felt like I failed Grey. I let him get sick. Then I couldn't fix him. And ever so slowly I breathed that away. And then the behaviors started- they weren't there for the first year. Flapping and screaming tantrums and grunting and staring a million miles away when people tried to engage him in conversation...and I was a mess of hot burning face uncomfortable... Please don't look at us, please don't talk to him because I can't explain why he won't answer back, please don't notice we are different. And please don't make those noises Grey- because they make me feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed...and then shame...horrible shame for feeling the shame in the first place.

And somewhere between then and now I looked through those twitches and behaviors and noises and I could still see my Grey on the other side...and now I barely even notice the quirks anymore. I realized we don't have to be the same as everyone else to be included. My 4-year old son taught me that without saying a word. He is amazing. Yes, we are different. 

Hallelujah, we are different. 

 photo _MG_9741_zps0daf1e55.jpg

 photo _MG_9751_zps03853667.jpg

Life...it's cold and ubrupt and scary and fun. It's reminds me I'm alive.

The writer of my Life came up with autism, I sure as hell didn't. But you better believe it has made my character a thousand times richer with layers that are all the colors of the rainbow AND a pot of gold, filled with purpose I had no idea I so desperately needed.

So much Love,



  1. Here's to a better day tomorrow, Chrissy!! Hope you are feeling "funky" in a good way soon. Love ya just the way you are!

  2. 40 in 4 months too! Maybe thats been my funk.... but today I made a conscious decision not to throw away my happy... I apologized to my husband after 4 days of silence over a stressful morning meltdown. Thanks. I don't think I would've done it had it not been for last night's post.

  3. Hugs! It's not easy to let go, but it's easier when you let go.

  4. I do the same thing - try and analyze my feelings - I think if I can just figure out why then I think maybe I can fix it. I think I go straight to "analyze" because it is easier than feeling. It helps me to know that feelings like that are finite - they come and go. It is hard to embrace uncertainty. I'm trying to learn how to live in that space of not knowing. I think some things become clear after our subconscious and "life" work on them for a while and we just have to keep swimming in that sea of uncertainty.

    I worry a little bit about depression when I read about you feeling tired all the time. I know you are already taking something to help with anxiety. They are so closely linked. Now I feel kind of 'too exposed' for you and for me by commenting out here publicly but maybe it will help you or someone else reading so I am going to leave it.

    Thank you for showing up even when it is hard to write. You are so much stronger than you know. Hang in there.

  5. Have you ever thought of taking a break from your blog and the internet? I have found that sometimes; subconsciously, the internet blogging world turns into a compulsion. Kind of like a place to hide from real live people..a place to go for comfort and a cure for loneliness. It's not healthy to lose yourself to your blog. Just a thought!

  6. Or your writing is cathartic... I work with at risk teens and one of the best tools i teach them (by their account) is to start journaling.

  7. I just don't know how you keep writing what I am feeling. Too bad we live so far apart. I am going to a psychologist for the first time tomorrow because this is the first time I can't figure out how to surrender or let go. Autism is so tricky in that there is no specific reason and therefore I can't help in a specific way except school, therapy etc etc etc... SO hard to just let go. Thank you for this.

  8. I had a boss tell me not to should all over myself! Such perfect advice!