unresolved

So many New Year's Resolutions are under the assumption that we are broken. We are doing life all wrong. So much of life already promotes those loathsome feelings, along with magnifying our imperfections, insecurities and inabilities. It's exhausting.  Life is hard enough. I find plenty about myself imperfect, I'm not about to let a fresh, brand new year be the reason for more self-hatred and loathing. I say this year we stay unresolved, exactly the way we are.

Instead of resolutions, I choose intentions, and this year they consist of the following:

1. Pain can make you bitter, or it can teach you kindness and calm, authenticity and perspective, empathy and peace. I choose the good stuff. This year, I will work to let go of fear, anger, judgement and jealousy. These emotions are a sharp plug, directly siphoning out joy, lightheartedness and happiness in their most sacred and concentrated of forms. Every painful situation I've encountered has made me better and taught me significant lessons. I want these lessons to remain sticky all year long. 



2. I refuse to wait to be happy. The answer is not finally getting organized or losing 5 pounds or joining a gym, or landing my dream job. There are no questions that must be answered before you find your happiness. Happiness is already inside you, waiting to be uncovered and nurtured. Name three adjectives that bring you joy- grow those bigger. Mine are adventure, learning and giving. Put your adjectives on a post it on your bathroom mirror.


My boys, Greyson 4, and Parker, 2 allow me to refuel all three. 




3. Welcome a silent mind. Life is made up entirely of moments- not forevers. Sometimes in the middle of a painful moment, that lesson feels impossible to remember. Our mind races with the burden of the unbearable. Sometimes it helps to seek silence. Remember- this is just a moment, not my forever. Sometimes the calm comes during the not thinking. I think back to every important decision or realization I've ever made. The answers always came in the silence, never in the chaos.


This year I want to fall madly in love...with myself. 



Because my greatest accomplishments and happiest moments of my past came naturally when I felt like I was a pretty okay person.



Welcome 2014, with you, anything is possible.

comfort and joy

We are still in Holiday mode. Pajamas stay on much longer these days. French fries are a perfectly acceptable meal replacement. A nap a day is a requirement for me.


We've been doing lots of this...


And relaxing and coffeeing with Friends.



I've always wanted to go to a place that served coffee like this. Picture a modern day Friends - Central Perk set. It's called Kuppa Joy in Clovis for my local Friends.

The boys started back at Behavior Therapy on Thursday, the day after Christmas- which kind of broke my heart a little. It was really hard for them to get back into the swing of it...lots of screaming. They work so hard and give me so much motivation when I too feel like I can't muster the energy to pull something off.

If they can do it- then so can we.

Here was our Christmas- it was nothing I expected but everything I ever wanted all at the same time. Funny how sometimes Life serves up not what we ask for but what we need.


As soon as we went downstairs in the morning Parker immediately grabbed a box and brought it to me.


O- PEEEAN, he says with the emphasis on the second syllable. It makes me smile every single time.




This robot was considered especially jump-worthy.


 His name is Cogsley. Both boys love him.


Greyson is obsessed with this Yo Gabba Gabba boom box. Thanks Aunt Lisa!






We spent the afternoon in our pajamas and despite a million new toys, jumping on the bed made them happiest.





I had left over bean bag fill from a posing pillow for newborn photography. We threw it into a mesh bag and Greyson is consumed by it.


It's like he finally found his long lost best friend.



Seeing things that give him peace and makes him happy makes me so happy. Hope your Holiday was filled with comfort and joy too.


Love,

Chrissy

hopeful you

I always thought I knew how Christmas would go once I became a parent. And for the past few years I have come face to face to the reality that my Christmas will not look like I had expected. 

As for now, the concept of Santa and Reindeer and presents under the tree is not something either one of my boys understand. Because they both have autism, they may never understand. There's so many important life concepts they don't understand- like how to ask for help, how to let me know if something hurts, how to call for me- Mom...that I really shouldn't care that they have no concept of the Christmas I see in movies.

And maybe it's because I just turned 40...maybe because I've been to Church for the past three weeks for the first time years, maybe it's because I've had the flu and I haven't had the energy or time to do much of anything to prepare. All I know- is that my Christmas will not look like I expected- and at this moment, I am completely at peace with it. The lessons of what is important is sticking with me right now.



Lessons like Go slow.... like the sign at the nursery we visited the other day.




Even in the December temperatures, flowers bloom. Love blooms. Hope blooms.




And here's the thing- I am good learner, but I'm also a good forgetter too. I want this feeling I have to stick around because I hate it when sad takes over. I hate it when my perspective has a flat tire. It makes me wonder, How can I make these life lessons a little more sticky?


Lessons like-  BE THE dreamer, kindness, courage, integrity, trailblazer, CHANGE.  Tshirt created by the amazing Kelle Hampton, with proceeds benefiting the National Down Syndrome Society.



Lessons like- sometimes it's a good idea to put on the brakes. Like the ones that weren't on -on this truck, that Greyson just started to drive 4 seconds after this picture was taken. Holy screaming and Mother freak out. 




I don't know why-this Christmas Season feels different. Don't let my current calm words fool you, not having kids understand Santa has felt heart breaking in moments...Not being able to sit on Santa's lap or do the damn Elf on a Shelf has siphoned out joy in some moments. But lately it's all just felt hopeful. Like I know if autism wasn't in our life right now, I'd be focusing on the wrong things this Christmas Season. I'm awesome at that sometimes.


So I take a look at my Life and our current circumstances, and I love it for what it is. Cuz there's lots of beauty in it too.




I am prepared to accept all as my teacher- because EVERYTHING is willing to teach us. The unexpected is a tenured professor in our life.

One thing I've gotten from attendng Church, is that Advent- the time we are in now leading up to the birth of little baby Christ- is a time for hopefulness. It's not a time for perfect, it's not a time for neurotic, it's not a time for family stress, it's not a time for heartache. It's simply a willingness to be hopeful...Even if you don't know quite yet what you are being hopeful for.

Once apon a time, there was a guy named Joseph and he was engaged to his amazing gal, Mary. Out of nowhere Joseph finds out Mary is pregnant although Joseph and Mary were not yet married. Even though Joseph could have had Mary put to death-according to the law at the time, he wanted to take care of her and ensure her safety and he didn't want her to be publicly disgraced. Joseph decided ending his engagement to Mary quickly and quietly was the best choice for all involved. One night Joseph has a dream in which an angel of the Lord appeared and said, Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. 

I imagine this was NOT the life Joesph ever could have expected. I'm sure he was freaking out and maybe even sad- mourning the life he thought he and Mary were going to have--the life he had expected. At the time he had no way of knowing that this was actually a miracle and a gift waiting to happen. None of us do- when we are right in the middle of letting go of what we expected. We have no way of seeing into the future. It was said that Joseph was scared to bring a baby into an imperfect world with bad people and bad things happening- but instead of letting fear drive him, he chose hopeful. And Mary's pregnancy was a time of Hope. Yes, capital H- HOPE.

And it all worked out exactly how it was supposed to in the end. It always does, Friend.

Sometimes I think we all have those fears about raising children in this World. Our concerns were very much like Joseph's. I don't watch the news simply because I can't. I empathize too much and it scares and hurts me. Sometimes humankind can be very disheartening. It's hard to rely on people because they can be extremely disappointing and not always who we thought they were.  My heart has been hurt a few times - But our only choice is to risk hurt and remain hopeful. Our only choice is to love, which means we are willing to risk pain. I still believe that despite what the news is saturated with and despite some people I've met that have shown me otherwise- PEOPLE ARE GOOD and love and trust is worth it.


For the most part, no one is living their ideal life. Most of us took a turn somewhere - and if we didn't- life took a turn on us. If there is one thing an expected life has taught me- it's that there are also miracles happening ALL THE TIME around us. Sometimes it's just too soon to tell it's a miracle yet.  Many of us stand together unknowingly, embracing the life we have, while simultaneously letting go of the life we expected. If that isn't sacred beauty, I don't know what is.




This Christmas stand hopeful with me. And because Christmas is hopeful, Christmas is everywhere, all year long.




Merry Christmas to all of you (or whatever it is you celebrate!) From our beautiful and unexpected life to yours.


So much love,

Chrissy

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advent

Right now we are in Advent. Advent signifies the start of the liturgical year and it began this year on December 1st. The word advent isn't limited to the church. It means the arrival of a notable person, thing or event.



Today was day 4, spent almost completely in bed. I woke Michael up a couple of nights ago...

I'm probably dying. I can't breathe. Everything hurts. Help.
You aren't dying, he replied.

I guess he was right because here I am. I really believed it at the time though. I had the flu. Not a cute little stomach flu like I had over Thanksgiving, but the full on FLU flu. 103 temperature, body aching, chills, so much pressure in my head I thought it would fly off my neck. Sweating. Freezing. It was horrible. It took me two days to be well enough to get out of bed to go to Urgent Care. And today, for the first time in days I started to come to. I could finally focus again.


And the world looked so extra beautiful because I haven't had the energy to participate in it lately. 

We ran out last minute to buy a couple of gifts tonight.


I swear my boys like the mall as much as I do, but for completely different reasons. 


Greyson lives for the escalator, but it scares Parker a little. I had him stand by himself- he clutched my pants with white knuckles, afraid. Boy does it feel good to be the safe place to be. It feels good to be needed sometimes.



Hello lady with no head.


Hello Parker






Parker touches everything. If I close my eyes for one second he is gone, running. I love his curiosity for life. It's pretty awesome.


We follow the rules. We did NOT sit on the bed.



They didn't mention jumping though...





Or lying down.

Every day life is absolutely and honestly my very favorite. For the past few days I was desperate to take the boys to Behavior Therapy and Speech, actually missing the rushing and hustle and cursing and lateness and chaos of every day life. Today I went outside, the fresh air foreign and almost painful with each inhale. I noticed the Sierra Nevada mountains practically in my backyard. Have they always been that bold? That beautiful? It felt so good to be alive again. It felt like the advent of something new.

Life- it's such a beautiful thing, and it sometimes takes not participating in it to realize that.

As far as preparing for Christmas, we have barely done any of that. 


We found the surprise you left behind today Mom! Thank you. We love you!


The flu got in the way. No tree up yet. No wrapping. I'm so ridiculously so far behind the game that right now I am at peace. In my sickness I was able to sleep, feel, and focus on the things that are important to me- like breathing. Maybe I haven't wrapped, but I've had time to prepare Him room.



Today I was finally able to read and focus again. I picked up my Bible and looked through it--while watching old Friends reruns. A super great cure for the flu, FRIENDS+ The Bible, I'm sure there's some connection. The Bible is an extremely hard read for me. It's hard for me to focus on it because the language is not one I use or hear. It's hard to understand and pay attention.

But the more years go by between Catholic school and now, the more I've started to fear the Bible. I'm just so exhausted from seeing the Bible used as an excuse to judge, hate others or point fingers. And the sacred words and parables molded to look like justification for hate or discrimination makes me sad. A good Friend told me, The Bible is like Google- you can find an argument for or against any topic you research. 

I know my way isn't the only way to think, and I respect your beliefs if they are different than mine. Like Roger Ebert, one of the World's wisest thinkers said, If your religion doesn't respect the right of other religions, it is lacking something. So I try not to judge others doing the judging because that makes me just as bad. You love my boys - right? They are different but you love them anyway- just the way God made them. I hope we can say that for all people. We are all broken. We all sin. It's not our job to judge anyone. To me- I think the most important part of the Bible teaches us to love others and be kind to all people. When Jesus was on Earth he was kind to everyone, especially those that were mistreated or judged, particularly those that others called sinners. I think that is how we all are called to be- kind to all. The Bible shouldn't feel like bad or angry or judgemental or scary- it should feel like good and hopeful and uplifting. Ebert also said, I think we have to get beyond the idea that we have to categorize people. So today I put away fear and us vs them thinking, and looked at the Bible with a different, open mind and hopeful perspective. At 40, I am still trying to figure out my take on Religion. If I'm smart- I'll never have it fully figured out. I think our spirituality and religion is one of those things that evolves and changes as we grow and mature. 

Last Sunday when my parents were in town, Michael and I were able to go to Church, just the two of us. I was able to focus on the words and the people around me. The candles in the Advent wreath on the alter and the Priest's vestments were colored rose, to symbolize rejoicing, and signals a spirit of joyful hope now during Advent. Sunday I saw things from a completely different perspective. I was able to really listen to the Gospel- from the book of Matthew. Here's an excerpt from Chapter 11, verse 2-6.


When John the Baptist heard in prison about the activities of Christ, he sent a message by his disciples, asking him: Are you the one who is to come or should we expect someone else?
Jesus answered them, Go back and report to John what you hear and see: the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are made clean, the deaf hear, the dead are brought back to life and good news is reaching the poor. And how fortunate is the one who does not take offense at me.



I thought it was so strikingly important that Jesus didn't simply say yes. He wanted his actions, his heart and his treatment of others to do all the talking. He wanted the disciples to figure it out for themselves based on what they saw and heard- not based on what someone told them. That's a pretty amazing and timeless message. It's one thing to say, I'm a good (Christian, Human, Sister, Friend, Person) and it's a whole 'nother story to just actually BE one. It made me feel like the people who really know the Bible are the ones who use it to spread more good and make others feel good, not the ones who use it to condemn others who they think are bad. 

Sunday we arrived to mass a minute before it began. Fifteen minutes later a swell of people entered the Church, all carrying young children- just like we had the week prior when we brought Greyson and Parker. I thought back to pre-child me, my eyes would have rolled in judgement- Kids are no excuse to be so late, I would have thought. It takes a lot of energy to judge others. I'm so sorry, close-minded me of the past- that at times you viewed the World so bitterly. 

Two aisles over I see a Mother with 3 small children. A little girl, a little younger than Greyson laid across the ground, her dress up. I always feel this sense of shew when I see other kids act up. My eyes rose and I saw the Mother's face, and I then felt sad because the Mom was just so clearly exhausted. She did that move- when you squeeze the top of the bridge of your nose and close your eyes. It felt like sign language for help. I watched her parent in moments throughout mass- it was beautiful and full of grace. I was so proud of her for being there- even though staying home would have been so much easier. I needed to say something to her, so I walked over to her during communion. I didn't want her to think I was judging her for one second, so I started with, You're amazing. I know it's so hard to bring the kids, mine are at home right now but just last week they were with me- SCREAMING and lying down in the middle of the aisles. I know it's hard, but it's important that they are here too- and clearly you know that. I just want to say it's been an honor to watch you parent with so much grace. It's truly an inspiration. The Mother's eyes pooled with tears as she looked down modestly. 

There's been so many times I've been there. Days when you feel like you are failing and that everyone is staring at you in judgement. I couldn't let that Mom go home and think anything other than she is amazing. She inspired me, simply by the way she handled her three chaotic and energetic children with grace. There have been many times where an atta girl was the only thing that got me through the day. Times the stress tasted like drowning. Times the hard and the pain felt so much bigger than life. 

Sometimes what we feel we look like to others- and what we really look like are two different things completely. I'm going to think the best of you. Sometimes the person we are judging too harshly is our self. If you are there, take a deep breath and let go. I'm on your side. Your actions speak volumes of who you really are anyway.

Much Love,

Chrissy

sick

Hi everyone,

It's Michael... Chrissy has the flu,
So I'm sorry to say that there won't be a new post for a day or two...

She'll be back soon enough, thanks for stopping by, and from me to you, a sincere thanks for reading, writing and supporting her.

mk

this is 40

In life I've often felt unbearably old before my time. I was frequently that 21 year old that preferred a warm bath, a good book and a soft new warm pair of socks- wondering why I felt so different. At 40 years of age, I'm finally growing into my old soul. I'm coming full circle into lessons I've craved... the lessons I've learned that have felt unbearable at the time. I've learned what to hold onto and what to let go of...and more importantly, who to hold onto and who to let go of. My imperfect shell of a life broke wide open and what is left is beautiful and real. Working through yourself is like pining for gold, and as time goes on- the sand slips out, and what you are left with is precious.

Age is a number, so the saying goes. But it's also a real thing, and something I have thought about many times during the months leading up to my 40th birthday. Our stay here on earth is finite. I've become painfully aware of the changes occurring in my body- the extra gray hair that mocks me in the mirror, my perma pooch--stomach muscles loose from housing my two beautiful boys through two pregnancies. Laugh lines around my eyes that have turned into deeper creases. Suddenly putting on liquid eye liner has become somewhat of a sport. I know I'm blessed. In my life I've found love, we got a dog, had children, and bought and sold our first house. Are all of my best years behind me? I've wondered more than once. I am scared to get old- I've never done it before.

I was so busy paying attention to the unwelcome changes in my body, that I couldn't focus on the beautiful and wonderful changes occurring in my heart and my mind and in my real actual life. It's impossible to focus 100% of your attention on two things at once, I know- I've tried.

And up until this past Sunday, December 15th, the actual day I turned 40, I was dreading it. 39 still started with a 3, and it was safe. I hung onto my thirties with two clenched hands. Fear of the loss of my young. Young is beautiful and carefree and I wasn't ready to pass to the other side of that, but I had no choice. I took the jump into 40 and it took the actual crossing to realize how important of a milestone it truly is. Not everyone has the luxury of life, and the ability to turn 40. And I sat in silence many times over the weekend and contemplated the fact that this can actually be a good thing- if I just open myself up to it. And suddenly my perspective switched because I was able to focus on the goodness part- with all my 100%. I was able to feel my blessings as I sat in Church on Sunday, and it was impossible to hold my tears inside. This is 40 and I am so lucky.

These are the lessons that 40 has taught me. 40 is everything and not any one single thing. 40 is young and old. Mature and childlike. Laughing and tears- sometimes simultaneously. 40 is learning and teaching. Confident and unbearably insecure. 40 is yelling and whispering, curse words and sweet nothings. 40 is happy, scared, restless, confused and content. Broken and indestructible. It's the acceptance that things are always falling apart and always getting put back together too- and always on Life's time line- not mine. I used to think we were one or the other with everything in Life. 40 taught me- we can be everything all at once. We are always learning, evolving, changing. Age enhances the good things that were already there blooming inside us- if you open yourself up for it. If you embrace mindfulness and wholeheartedness. Connect with and make peace with sadness, restlessness and fear.  

40 is investing in humanity, recognizing our differences and our strengths. 40 means I have the ability to look inside, know how I'm really feeling, and even have hard conversations when I need to. 40 is giving others the benefit of the doubt, without letting them to use it as an excuse to treat me poorly or make me feel bad. Time has helped me become much more confident that I am choosing the right way for me, but having the ability to see that often times- there is no one single right way for everyone. At 40, I know to look at people in the eye and put down the phone every time I check out somewhere. I know how to be a good friend. I know it doesn't matter what you think of me- I just have to pay attention to how I think of me- and I could stand to be a little nicer sometimes. 

At 40 I make a commitment to continue to be a student of the world. I am listening, feeling, paying attention, reading and always learning. I will never know it all, and I will probably even have to relearn many of these lessons I write about now.  When I am learning, I feel alive with hope and wonder. Sometimes that is the very definition of young, hope and wonder- not a number. I'm going to make the right choices when I can-but more importantly, when I don't, I'm going to move on. I will remember, the right kind of learning often involves a little bit of pain. The pain of failure, making mistakes, looking stupid, and taking longer than I'd like to understand what I'm supposed to learn.

I look around and see lessons everywhere, even at the amusement park where we visited while my parents were in town, visiting from Missouri...


My two sweet boys, who happen to have autism- have taught me the world over. These boys are the best learners I've ever met. They approach everything with wonder, joy and an openness to learn. 


My husband teaches me to be calm. And watching him parent is incredible. Marriage has been hard for both of us in the past few years, but we are committed to learning new things and making it work together.

The way my son, Greyson approaches Life teaches me daily. He shows me that when you find something you love- it's okay to jump for joy.



 He approaches some things quietly and subdued...








And then slowly explodes into joy. 

He teaches me that when you are scared- it is sometimes a good thing. That it's going to be okay-- and you just need to hold tight to the people you love and enjoy the ride...





And keep your feet firmly planted in who you are.

My boys teach me to search for wonder, even when you are just going around and around and around, doing the same thing over and over again. 




Greyson and my Mom.






Parker and my Dad.

To make myself feel better, I google'd Fabulous and Forty, searching for celebrities over 40. I found I was in some great company- Cameron and Gwyneth, Heidi Klum and Kelly Ripa- but then I thought about it-  They better look damn good. They have people to make sure of it. I get to be this fabulous all on my own.





So this is 40. It's taken alot of hard work to get here. 


Maybe my body has seen and left it's prime. So what? That's all a part of the journey. My heart, my head, what I believe in, and my ability to embrace what is- is better than it ever was before. 40? No problem, I got this.


Love,
Chrissy

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