Tuesday, January 28, 2014

lonely Monday


Do you know that song,

This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife 
My li-i-i-i-i-ife 
This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife 
My li-i-i-i-i-ife 

(This one:)

It's called Best Day of My Life. I just want to let you know- The song is a liar. I know this because I've heard it every single day for at least 17 days in a row, and it has NEVER been true ONE of those days. I even heard it at least twice today, and on days like today, I can't believe Monday isn't a four-letter word. Nothing horrific happened and I actually have absolutely no right to complain, but I will just a little.

I don't know what I expected being a stay at home Mom to be like. Maybe I thought it would have an air of the way college felt. I can fondly remember walking down the hall at my dorm, Freudenberger House, aka Freddy. Even if we were completely different types of people, we were the same because we were all there for the same thing. As you walked down the narrow hall, you saw open door after open door, with people walking freely in and out. It was a community.There was always someone around if you needed to borrow something, someone to study with or go eat with, a friend to watch television with or to just hang out.

There are moments and days and times like Life is like that now- but not very often. And sometimes I get lonely. Passing by people all day long but not really connecting. Everyone so busy doing their own Life. It's hard. I get so lonely to connect. Today I was unbearably lonely. Super busy and bored all at once. And at the end of a long day of work, sometimes it feels like I have nothing to show for it.  No cleaned house or baked good. Nothing finished or completed. And I'm getting tired of the standard- I kept us alive today and that's good enough. And I know... I know, I know, I know- Parenting is important and sacred work. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's exactly what I want to do with my Life. It's just nice to be able to tell the truth about the not so shiny parts.

When Parker took his afternoon nap, I tried to lay down and sleep for a few minutes. Greyson was in bed with me.

Mommy HAS to go to sleep for a few minutes. Please, let Mommy sleep, I begged him. I began to fall asleep and I feel Greyson pulling on my eyelashes-inches away from my face, staring at me intently. A few minutes later he put his fingers in my mouth so he could feel my teeth. I realized with a laugh that sleep just wasn't going to happen. I decided then that I needed to do a reset on my day. I remembered that no day is all good or all bad, and if I kept defining my day as bad- bad was probably be all I was going to notice.

I decided that I just needed to be aware and receptive to the good moments.

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Good moments like this- early this morning- moments that I take for granted until my camera reminds me just how special they are.

And today we had Horse Therapy. That was a good moment.

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Grey was pretty stoked to be there. I just breathe easier looking at the above picture.

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Parker and a wishing well. You make a wish right now too- okay?

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Horses are my new favorite people.

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This face, ahhhh this face.

We had good moments at Speech Therapy.

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Today he tried to eat the bubbles.

And there was an awesome special delivery at our front door. That moment was really good.

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When I showed Michael the picture of them he said they were the ugliest shoes he had seen in his whole life. I adore them, they are like a throw-back to my Catholic School Days.

And tonight we went down the street to truly experience the sunset. We still had some daylight to burn. This was a really good moment.

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Greyson does this when he is doing something he loves. He just soaks it up with his whole body, fully and completely. What a perfect way to experience the setting of the sun. I started to cry seeing this picture and reading the rest of the lyrics to Best Day of My Life, the song I mentioned when this post first began.

I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds
I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night

I'm never gonna look back

Woah, never gonna give it up
No, please don't wake me now


This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife
My li-i-i-i-i-ife
This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife
My li-i-i-i-i-ife

Damnit. It's a pretty catchy song. So maybe it wasn't the BEST day of my Life... but it certainly wasn't the worst- not by far. Looking back there were some beautiful moments that took my breath away speckled in between the hard and lonely moments. Not pictured here for a reason- Focus on the good Friend- but make sure you get out the bad. 

So much Love,


PS- I like it when you leave comments. It helps us all feel a little less lonely.


  1. Hiya - I am a Momma living in New Zealand and I have been reading and loving your blog for some time now.
    I just wanted to say - thanks for how articulately you described the bliss and despair that I think every day as a Mom holds. Thanks for being so honest about the weird loneliness of the job and the isolation. It seems a shame that we are all doing this tough, yet amazing job in parallel rather than sharing the same road. but thanks for the words of truth and encouragement. i think you are amazing! from a New Zealand mother of two xx

  2. You make me want to drive from Sacramento to Fresno and have coffee with you while our boys play in an enclosed playground (my twins run without a care in the world). Today was far from the best day but Saturday....that was amazing. People say I have never met a shoe I didn't like. Bubbles...Willy Wonka needs to make better tasting bubbles.
    Less Lonely because you posted.

  3. Wow - looks like a very full day. Beautiful pictures, as usual. I wish you did have time to take the Brene Brown course right now. Helps me feel less alone. Also had a good chat with my sister on the phone today - that always helps. Scary stuff happened in my town (my mall) this weekend. Hard not to be affected by it. Reminded me once again that all we have for sure is the present moment. Thank you for sharing your present moments with us. Tomorrow I'm going to try and really soak some of mine in. I'm not sure how to do that exactly but I think just really paying attention, making eye contact, listening - really listening. Maybe I'll try to think of myself as a spot light for the other person. Maybe I'll be too tired and distracted but I'm at least going to make this intention to try. Always inspiring Chrissy - thank you.


  4. Raborn JohnsonJanuary 27, 2014 at 11:40 PM

    I feel ya on the passing many people by in a day but never connecting. As a quiet introvert, I generally don't feel the need for a lot of interaction, but lately I've been feeling a little constricted w/o much adult interaction/connection (home with my 2 boys). Love your pics as always. I wish I could pinch your boys cheeks. They're ridiculously adorable! (oops, had to delete earlier comment because I didn't realize I was under hubby's ID)

  5. Such a delicious post. I could eat every bite with relish, just like those bubbles! Thank you, thank you for posting. They are such a wonderful end to my day. And we're all always here to listen, Friend:)

  6. Thank your for sharing. I often have similar feelings and am glad to know at least someone understands!

  7. The picture of the boys in bed with the doggy - YUMMY! and the first one of Parker eating the bubbles - JOY. Those are the two words I thought of when I saw your pictures. Hoping your spirits are higher Tuesday. We'll get through it together!

  8. Always encouraged by your words and blog. I have two boys that I stay at home with and you described it so well.

  9. Thank you for sharing your true raw feelings and for always giving me something great to focus on!

  10. I just want you to know... I don't have autistic children. I am not a stay at home mom. I am a single Mom... I work a full time out of the house job and I have a beautiful healthy 14 year old daughter. But you are the first thing I cannot wait to read every morning. Cannot wait... Thank you so much for helping and being there for all of us Moms... Your stories and truths make me so humble and thankful and happy to know people like you. Much love to you and your beautiful healthy boys. :)

  11. Dear Chrissy,

    Know that you are not alone on Mondays (or on Tuesdays, Wednesdays...etc). I saw your beautiful picture of Parker on instagram last night and I have joined the family of folks who go to your blog first thing in the morning. Hugs to you. Thanks as always for sharing yourself and your beautiful boys!


  12. so sorry that your hubby doesn't have good taste in shoes, cause those are super cute! the pics of your boys enjoying the sunset are glorious. we will enjoy our sunsets once the temperature rises. -22 here today but feels like -33 with the wind chill. brrrrr!!!

  13. I'm so glad you were able to look at your day n a different way. Not going to wish the BEST DAY EVER for you- too much pressure. Maybe I'll just wish that you (and God help me, ME) are more able today to recognize those moments when we are *in* them. Have a better than okayish day, sweet friend. xo

  14. Chrissy -

    If ONLY you knew how you made me (and I'd venture to guess ALL of your other readers) feel LESS lonely, so VERY connected...

    If ONLY you didn't live across the country as I'd love nothing more than to curl my feet up under me, my fingers around a warm cup of coffee, pull a blanket up to my chin and just BE with you...talking, sitting in silence, just BEING with you....

    Thank you for reminding us that we ALL have those days and as Leora says, mine are NOT limited to Monday...

    I am so very thankful for you, for your boys and the lessons that they teach us, and for the treasure of being able to call you my friend, because you are....a friend is one that you'll let IN when you want to shut the rest of the world OUT and I'd let you IN, share ALL of it with you...a friend is one that you MISS when you haven't connected lately and HOW I miss you when a few days go by without my reading a post....

    Sending love from Richmond,


  15. I read every post and love them. But what is harder for me is to APPLY your messages/wisdom to my moments of feeling alone/lonely/discouraged. But, I am doing it!! And it helps!! There is so much strength in refusing to believe that I am the only one with a particular feeling or experience! It truly changes everything.

    The only kids that are as cute as my kids are your kids. :)

  16. Love the shoes! I couldn't tell if they have heels or not. Either way - totally adorable. I have ginormous feet, so don't think I could pull them off (or would resemble a man), but they look great on you.
    So happy you've found horse therapy, and thank you again for the beautiful photos of your beautiful boys. Not only do I feel less alone checking in here, but I feel less COLD too. A bonus.

  17. Love your blog!! Always such wonderful insights into the everyday we all live.

  18. I love being here. Thank you for more of your beautiful words and images.

    I just read this following info on horses yesterday... and since you called it horse therapy, it is likely that you already know this... but just in case you want to love horses even more...

    "Recent studies conducted by the Institute of HeartMath provide a clue to explain the bidirectional "healing" that happens when we are near horses. According to researchers, the heart has a larger electromagnetic field and higher level of intelligence than the brain: A magnetometer can measure the heart's energy field radiating up to 8 to 10 feet around the human body. While this is certainly significant it is perhaps more impressive that the electromagnetic field projected by the horse's heart is five times larger than the human one (imagine a sphere-shaped field that completely surrounds you). The horse's electromagnetic field is also stronger than ours and can actually directly influence our own heart rhythm!

    Horses are also likely to have what science has identified as a "coherent" heart rhythm (heart rate pattern) which explains why we may "feel better" when we are around them. . . .studies have found that a coherent heart pattern or HRV is a robust measure of well-being and consistent with emotional states of calm and joy--that is, we exhibit such patterns when we feel positive emotions.

    A coherent heart pattern is indicative of a system that can recover and adjust to stressful situations very efficiently. Often times, we only need to be in a horses presence to feel a sense of wellness and peace. In fact, research shows that people experience many physiological benefits while interacting with horses, including lowered blood pressure and heart rate, increased levels of beta-endorphins (neurotransmitters that serve as pain surppressors), decreased stress levels, reduced feelings of anger, hostility, tension and anxiety, improved social functioning; and increased feelings of empowerment, trust, patience and self-efficacy."

  19. Thinking of you! With four little kids at home I hear and understand the loneliness, and looking around at the end of the day without a "finished product" to show for it. I read a quote recently, maybe even on your blog that I really liked about a father playing in the grass with his boys. The mom says something about them tearing up the grass and the father responds, "we're not raising grass, we are raising boys." Sometimes I need justification, a why, for why it's ok and important to focus on my kids and let other things fall by the wayside. I think you are a wonderful mother and advocate for your boys. I feel inspired to he better each time I read your blog. You've opened my eyes to autism and what a day looks like from a moms perspective. I just want to say your doing a great job! Hang in there, you can do it! And Monday is gone for at least 5 more days;)