Wednesday, January 29, 2014

look for the light

Yesterday evening Michael returned home from a work trip to San Diego. When he walked in our house I was upstairs with the boys in our playroom drinking ice water, desperately wishing it was wine, witnessing the greatest jumper I know.

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I was sitting on our floor, unshowered and covered in who knows what. Brightly colored toys scattered over every bare inch of carpet and the clutter, chaos and exhaustion left me painfully uncomfortable. Michael sat down on the couch with our dog Belle, and the next thing I know, my phone shot out from the couch cushion like an air hockey puck --directly into my huge cup of water.

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Yes, phone death by water. Again.

I couldn't believe it. I was too tired to freak out so instead I just stood up and walked out of the room and quit Mom'ing right then and there. I quit, I kept repeating over and over to myself- seriously.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'M DONE, I said to that imaginary person in our head we all argue with when we have officially lost our mind. Sometimes my guy even argues back. And I went into my room and something in my brain just snapped. A good kind of snap- I abruptly shifted direction. I suddenly just didn't care. My phone, the water, Mom'ing, my calender, my schedule, my life. Who cares? If I don't show up somewhere I'm supposed to be? OH WELL. And it took going near the edge to fully get grounded. I don't really care about a phone or a schedule. There are other, important things I have on my heart. And today I just looked for light...

Much like Jack, the good dog does.

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Speech Therapy with Parker was a bright light today. For a year he has been working on these vocal imitation cards. He finally can do almost all of them consistently.

His reward was a dip of his toes in the cool, slick beans. A sensory delight and his idea of magic.

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And today while lying down during quiet time today, he was fascinated by the strands of hair on my head. He would stare and then pull one out. Today for some reason, I didn't even mind.

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I was just happy he was by me. There were bright spots all day long.

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He insisted on holding this lolly pop during dinner. He had just woken up from his nap and was a little cranky, so I let him. He didn't even eat it- he just held it while he ate his dinner. I still feel the light from smiling from this. It makes me want to go grab him from his crib and hold him.

I'm so over the polar vortex for you, cold weather Friends. In fact, in sympathy I have been carbo loading every evening, indulging in chocolate and certainly NOT doing any sort of exercise. Here's hoping for rain in California for our crops, and warmth for you all in the cold bits of the world.

I'm going to leave you with some energizing, important words from a book that feels like home to my eyes called, Remember This.

Deep Down, You already know this. But sometimes, you forget. Sometimes you need a reminder of the things you already know, because it's easy to lose sight of them. It's so easy to become distracted with the work of everyday living that the little voice that tells you the good things, the true things, the simple things, gets lost for a moment. Let this be your reminder. Let these words put you back on track. Let them speak to you. And let yourself believe them. Because they're powerful and they're true. And you knew that already.


PS- the rice worked this time. Phone worked when I turned it on this morning!
PPS- If you live in San Diego, have a child with autism and want to share your story- shoot me an email! @  I'll share more details then.

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  1. Amen sister!! :-) I hope tomorrow is "flap worthy" for you all. (Or toe dipping in beans... or whatever makes you happy. :-))

  2. thank you for this beautiful post and the reminder to look for the light! I just love the way you write and the pictures are so full of life, I would love to hug your sweet boys, everytime I see them:-).

  3. such a beautiful, moving post! exactly what christina s said above!

  4. Ditto to what Christina S said above. Truly appreciate reading your posts and pictures.

  5. Good karma has come your way. You let go of your anxiety over the phone, and the phone came back to you! Yay!

  6. Awesome pictures! And way to go Parker!!!!!

  7. Yay, Parker! And that picture of him in the sunset...just wonderful.