Sometimes he feels so unbelievably far away. And no matter how close I get to him in proximity, it's not close enough. He's my quiet one; hard to read. Hard to get him to see me. Like really see me. At night while he is sleeping the barriers are gone.
I sprinkle his face with the kisses I'm not allowed to give during the day. I tell him how incredibly proud I am of him. I tell him he and his brother are the hardest workers I know. I breathe in his sweet breath and I feel like we are sharing the same world.
And I guess that's why experiences like our weekly trash pick up...
And the successful visit to the horse ranch are so magical. For moments of time, I am in Greyson's world. I feel us feeling the same things, hope, joy, fear, exhilaration. It's incredible.
I had no idea how powerful these too little words are... Me too. And it fills up part of the big black void. And I feel hopeful when I hear that from you too, Friend- Me too. Whether it's autism, or fear or love or confusion or the love of motherhood that is so powerful you feel like you could drown in it's beauty. Me too.
Today that love made time stop when I saw his perfect little toes sticking out from under during speech today.
Do you know those moments when you are so consumed by the love and addicted to being a Mother? I often wonder in those moments that I am looking at them and the world is right- Do others mothers love their kids THIS much? It just can't be possible. But I know you do because you tell me, ME TOO.
And this moment. I'm surprised by how the same Greyson and Parker are, and also how different. Autism is as different as each child is different.
Sometimes when his nap is over, I am so excited to go get him from his crib. I missed you! I always tell him- and I mean it.
I am so lucky.
I felt that crazy love at this moment today, picking up Grey from his weekly typical preschool visit.
He loves this racing hat. Seeing him wear it made me laugh and made me so proud. He does what he wants to do- and doesn't care what anyone else thinks about it. There's something so incredibly beautiful about that.
You don't even have to be a woman or a mother to me too with me, and that is such a great thing to hear. Me too, I am an imperfect human. I get scared. I love big. I try my best.
Me too helps me feel less alone. United. Understood.
One of my intentions for 2014 was to focus on good adjectives, ones I wanted to grow. I picked adventure, learning and giving. I also wanted to work to let go of anger or jealousy. Today I heard one of those stories- you know-about so and so getting such and such and for like an hour I was in a funk. Miffed. Why do some people get whatever they want? I huffed. I hate people who aren't even nice who get everything they want- and carry a huge sense of entitlement to go with it. People who get it all, nanny or cleaning lady or clothes, or job or new gadget - or fill in the blank. You want a new 2014 SLS AMG Black Series Mercedes, bam.
I want a new, used car it's going to take more than bam. Why why why?! It's not fair, I thought. And these ruminating swirling and suffocating thoughts got me nowhere. They never do. And I remembered that I actually learn the most in my life from parenting. So after I calmed down, I thought- What would I say to Greyson if he came to me with these thoughts? Then I thought, Well- I know he can't talk, and I'm not sure how much he understands- but let's say if he could, what would I say to him? And then my throat got really, really tight and his question came to me without thought. The question I wouldn't want him to ask. A question, that I'm not really sure how I would answer.
Momma- why can't I talk?
Would I be mean like I am to myself? You're being selfish. You are focusing on the wrong things.
Would I lovingly tell him, Comparison is the thief of joy, or some other bumper sticker phrase that sounds really good when you aren't actually knee deep in a moment of pain?
I would scoop him up in my arms, and I would say...
I love you so much, and that is such a good question. I'm sorry you can't talk. It's not fair at all. We all don't get the same exact things, which is sometimes good, because how boring would that be? But sometimes it's hard.
I would give my every breath to give you everything you need in life, and I'm so sorry that I can't give you everything. I think God has a very important plan for each and every single one of us. Sometimes that plan doesn't make any sense to us. That doesn't mean it's not important and on-purpose though. Sometimes we understand our purpose here in the world in layers, and sometimes it might not ever make sense to us here on Earth, and we just have to deliberately choose to be okay with that. If we work to let go of that, we can focus on the blessings in our life, and I promise there will be so many of them.
Sometimes everything will make perfect sense in moments, and that is how you know you've just experienced a moment of truth. Time is a gift that gives us understanding. That doesn't mean that there isn't beauty and purpose and love woven throughout this story created especially just for you. Sometimes our life circumstances teach us very important lessons, lessons that not everyone is lucky enough to learn. Lessons I think may be the very purpose of living. Lessons you don't get to learn when you get everything without having to work for it. Like how to be brave and strong, how to adapt, how to try again after you've been kicked down, how to find beauty in the unexpected, how to focus on the gifts we've been given, instead of focusing on the things we want that we may never get. We've all been entrusted with unique and wonderful gifts. You are here on earth to share your gifts. There will always be people with more than you, people who have things that you want and there will also always be people with less. You are perfect exactly the way you are.
And by the end of this hypothetical conversation, I was at peace. I didn't care at all about so and so. I guess that was my moment of truth.
So glad you are here.
Find me on Facebook and on instagram @lifewithgreyson