I was sitting in Speech Therapy today, usually the highlight of my week because language helps bridge the gap between me and my boys. But today I was watching the seconds tick by.
I visited the past...
I've been going to Speech Therapy, anywhere from 1-3 hours a week for almost three years now. Holy cow. And they still can't recite Neitzsche. Could you imagine, Parker busting out with, "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." And then we would nod knowingly and go grab a beer.
And then I took a little travel to the future...
I'm going to be going to Speech Therapy for the rest of my life. Really. Greyson barely speaks without prompting. Unless he wants a cookie or a juice. TOOK-TEY!!! TOOKTEY, he will begin yelling out of my seemingly blue. Suddenly I realize he is saying words.
"Cookie?" I say. "You need to ask."
"I waaaahhhhn took tey."
And then cookie he gets. Too many, if you ask me. The person who gave him the tooktey in the first place. He can say a noun if he needs it- like car or juice or cookie or chips or hot dog. He's getting really good at saying "Yes" appropriately.
Mommy- "Do you want to go outside?"
He's been working on that for about a year. Until very recently he just repeated the last word said.
Mommy- "Do you want to go outside?"
And now that I tell you all of that, I'm really damn proud. He has autism and communication is one of autism's main struggles. Both boys have worked so (SO) hard. But today, during Speech I didn't feel that gratitude and proud seeping in. I was frustrated and bored and restless and hungry for something huge. I called it Monday Mothering Monotony. I day dreamed of chain smoking and following a band. Cutting my hair into a jagged bright blond bob. I was really fricking edgy and cool. Basically I was anyone but me.
I feel like as Moms, we are allowed to have our moments of bliss. "I am so crazy about them! I am so lucky and happy and blessed to be their Mom. They are my wildest dreams come true!"
We are even allowed to have really awful terrible moments and days too. "Today is awful! Teething/school/crying/life etc. I want to rip my hair out! I need a glass of wine after today!"
But I don't feel like we are really allowed to talk about the in between. The days that aren't awful, we don't cry, we don't pray by the second for bedtime. But they aren't amazing, fun, blissful, pure ecstasy or anything to that mammothm of a degree. There are endless days where we daydream about what life would be like if we worked. Or had this crazy exciting life. Or things just weren't so damn monotonous. Are we allowed to have those feelings? Are we allowed to talk about them? Are we allowed to occasionally suffer from the in-betweens?
It's hard for me to admit this sometimes. That I have days that my skin feels too tight and I want to rip it off. But I say, YES, we are not only allowed to have these days, we are allowed to talk about them. Because we are human beings. And every moment just isn't bliss. Or crap. How could they be? We can have the in-betweens because it in NO way lessens the fact that we still love our life, we are happy, we are absolutely OVER THE MOON in love with our amazing, perfect I could kiss their little face for 6-hours straight children. But we are also human, with human- not super powers, and parenting- HECK, LIFE is hard, and not easy, and hard, and did I mention so freaking hard sometimes?
And today I hesitated, and then almost deleted, but finally put this picture and message on Instagram account.
And I immediately felt guilty afterwards. I thought- I should also mention I'm really grateful to have such amazing Speech Therapists (which we do). I should have also said I am lucky we have insurance and services available to us (which is true). But sometimes I just want to be unedited.
And the responses made me so happy. YOU made me happy. Especially the part of that story where I found out- so many of us have these moments/days/ sometimes even weeks too. It's not just a symptom of my own personal brand of incapability. It's just life. And the thing I ALWAYS forget and never remember during the in betweens, is that this feeling always goes away. Every single time it suddenly disappears as quickly as it showed up. How do I always forget that?
Both boys took a nap at the same time. It's rarer than a total solar eclipse.
And every aspect of my life changed while they were sleeping. Okay, maybe that didn't happen, but it felt like it- because suddenly life felt good again. I noticed the details again.
And after nap Parker is the squishiest, best thing I've ever hugged and loved and kissed on in my life.
He takes a while to warm up, like Mommy.
And life felt good outside looking in.
Happy almost not Monday anymore, Friend. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.
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