Monday, September 22, 2014

be patient

I should never have gotten out of bed today.

But unfortunately that wasn't an option. I don't have the ability to call in "not really sick" and watch Bravo Television in my position of Head Mom. Next time the Mom Union meets we need to put that on our contract. The morning started with two piping hot rejection letters from literary agents. In case you are new here- I am writing a memoir called Little Light Bulbs. Here's a small part of the overview.

Chrissy Kelly’s enviable life – handsome husband, great job, house on the beach, beautiful baby boy, and another one on the way – shatters on impact when her adorable son, Greyson, is diagnosed with autism. And just as she’d gathered up all the pieces again, his younger brother Parker receives the same diagnosis, smashing this meticulous, hyper-organized, Type A mom's world into a million more little pieces.


Little Light Bulbs aims to be the book Chrissy searched for in vain when her world came crashing down. She found countless grieving memoirs, platitudinous “recovery” guides and manuals for living with the disorder. But she never found a book that promised she could laugh again. Little Light Bulbs chronicles the tiniest of realizations that the bottomless well of pain she’s enduring might just help her find herself and find a purpose in her life she didn’t even know was missing.

But Little Light Bulbs isn’t just for the parents of kids on the spectrum. It’s for anyone who’s ever been so scared they didn’t dare dream of being happy again. It’s for anyone who felt so isolated by their fear that they nearly suffocated themselves with grief. It’s for anyone who needs hope and perspective instead of a bulleted list that pretends to fix the unfixable. Chrissy’s raw, vulnerable and honest writing style sanitizes nothing for readers on her journey. It’s going to hurt like hell, but she shows them that, if they tackle it with humor, grace and an open heart, it might just also be amazing.


IT WILL HAPPEN. Even though that's hard to believe sometimes. Especially hard to believe on Mondays.


I used to have a rule- when the Behavior Therapists get here in the morning make sure you have changed out of your pajamas. Now we have at therapy in our home three mornings a week. The teachers don't arrive until 9am, so that shouldn't be a problem. This rule quickly morphed into: when you answer the door-for Pete's sake make sure you are at least wearing a bra. I have abandoned both of those rules. Now I only have one rule: when the therapists are at the front door, make sure you open it for them.

When Greyson woke up this morning I'm certain he had one item on his to do list.

 photo _MG_1071_zps37c178d2.jpg
I'm happy to report he accomplished 100% of this list.


And Parker was no angel either.

 photo _MG_1065_zps32e1099d.jpg

Please note the similarities...

 photo doodlenotle_zps253c19e0.jpg


And it was one thing after another today. Even though it was Parker's nap time -after Speech Therapy I decided to stop by a park nearby just for a little bit. I feel guilty when we are always in a rush and don't make time for fun. 

Grey was that kid at the playground- taking your kids toys and running away when I tried to grab them back. The kid kicking sand dangerously close to your adorable babies face, ignoring my requests to stop. "If you don't listen to Mommy one more time we are going to leave" I told him. So he ran and grabbed another not his toy and it was time to go. I scoop Parker up and let Grey know we are leaving. He proceeds to climb to the top of the structure, screaming as loud as he could- NOOOOO NOOOO NOOOOO. I put Parker down so I can grab Grey and Parker immediately runs for the street. I am sweating and fuming and no longer using my socially acceptable fun mom park voice. GET DOWN HERE NOW! I yell to Grey like a demon. COME BACK HERE! I yell to Parker like a witch. I turn to the Dad (with his seriously perfect three kids) and give him a polite smile- like- opps, sorry about that! 

I cloned myself and we finally made it home. Parker's nap was a bust due to the infamous "crap nap"--When your child's entire nap is ruined due to them going poo. After that you're screwed.  Parker was screaming and kicking because he didn't want me to change him and he flung some poo on me as I tried to wipe the "gloop" off. (Poo that has the consistency of glue). By the time Michael got home I felt like I had run 3 marathons. I was ready for the finish line.


And now it's 9:03 and Bravo is on. I've found my finish line. (Now I just need some ice cream.) (And chocolate). And I've already moved on. Today is already the past. No matter how tight we hold on, the past always slips away. Unless it's bad of course. Isn't that funny? Sometimes we hold onto that kind of past forever. Carry it daily. Mentally, and physically. If you don't believe me take a huge breath in. Then exhale- out loud with a whoosh. And imagine how good life would feel if every single thing you worried about no longer had any power over you. Your shoulders- the ones who spend most of their time up around your ears could travel south- where they are supposed to be. Imagine taking all the bricks that weigh you down and throwing them off a cliff one by one. Anger. Fear. The future. Doesn't that feel better and lighter already?

Today's entry in my Jesus Calling book says, "You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks- or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you". That sounds like a good plan, Jesus. 

Each one of us thinks we are air traffic control. But were really are just a single air plane. We don't always know what else is coming and going. There are a million factors we can't decide or control. There's three steps ahead we don't even know about yet. There's a gift disguised as tragedy around the corner. Something difficult. Something fabulous. Always. We just have to wait it out. An amazing thing might just be waiting to happen to you a week from this Thursday. Until then- just be in charge of your own airplane. Not the whole damn sky. 

 photo _MG_1079_zps77be20cd.jpg

I needed that reminder so I put this tattoo on tonight. It helps me breathe easier. 

Love,
Chrissy

15 comments:

  1. I've spent the last few hours wondering where's the line between "hard days" and "needs therapy" and "this is normal shit that every kid goes through, she's just WAY over the intense line." Thanks for being real, for sharing the good and the bad, the joys and kick you in the gut difficult. I really appreciate it all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you read how many rejection letters JK Rowling got?! Keep at it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you again for your honesty and vulnerability. Your world is beautiful and hard and you bring others along to learn as you learn. I too am reading Jesus Calling and it speaks to my exhausted soul every night. Thanks for sharing into my world. xx Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will buy your book when it is published. I love your writing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I read the same out of Jesus Calling yesterday. Love. Hang in there. You are a beautiful and wise mother!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love you Chrissy Kelly. This mom thing IS rough. But we got it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gosh I needed this too today- thankyou.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i love this post - i can't wait to read your book!!! i am single-momming my 6-yr and almost-2-yr old for the next 2 wks, just gotta pace myself... and my best friend reminded me this morning "you don't have to believe everything you think" - i think that's what you're saying about fear, you don't have to give in to it just because it's one of the voices in your head... what if we could just let go of the icky past, the foolish mistakes, and stop beating ourselves up and appreciate Today? i'm trying!

    ReplyDelete
  9. KEEP PLUGGING THE BOOK! I WILL BUY IT! If I'd only known back then what you teach, well, I'm learning it now!! People need your perspective. Some tragedies that occur never get better; they become part of your daily life. They don't go away. And yet, I've found here that life can regain its old zest or even better zest. Would have never ever thought it. How many times have I read your posts and felt like I could now soar? Thank you for your perspective. My challenge may never go away, but life can be full or even fuller!! Wow! I learned that from you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Maureen from ChicagoSeptember 23, 2014 at 12:22 PM

    So many thoughts. 1) You have to write that book!!! Keep at it, please! 2) I didn't have the same experiences, but I had the same feeling to my Monday. That sweaty, stressed-out (and, in my case, redfaced) heart-racing feeling when your kids are making you nuts is very familiar. YUCK. My Tuesday is a little better. Hope yours is too.! 3) I love the idea that you don't have to believe everything you think. It's a great point for so many parts of life. 4) Like a PP, I'm single mom-ing it for a bit while my husband travels, which is unusual. I try to always be grateful that I have a partner in this whole parenting thing, but going it alone for a few days definitely reminds me how difficult single parents have it. And I look forward to my husband coming home and giving me a break from these nutty creatures in my house!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Chrissy
    I am a mama of one and high school teacher... and i live in New Zealand, quite literally the other side of the world. I want to thank you for your honestly and insight and to let you know how far your message has traveled just in case you don't know already. Its so amazing to know the realities of living with the spectrum and that parenting is hard... so many blogs are only pretty pictures and gratitude for apparent perfection.... you have pretty pictures, gratitude and real everyday struggle with in itself is both perfection and powerful. Thank you and when you do get published ill be paying a stupid amount in shipping to get my hands on a copy of your book
    arohanui (
    Jxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sometimes you just have to hang on by your fingernails. Hang on Chrissy and grow those nails as long as you can.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I needed this today, and will probably "favorite" the link, so I can read it first thing every day! Put, me on that book list too. My kids are grown and healthy but, sure need your blog. God for sure lead me to you. My blog journey started with a woman who sold Scentsy, went to Kelle Hampton's blog when she shared on hers once, and then now to yours. I have struggled with many things on my journey and find days recently pretty tough too. I may have to copy "your tattoo" and get out of the airport control tower as well. Thanks for the way you put things. I dabble in photography, so I love visual examples and your photos. My daughter came to visit the other day, and I found myself telling her all about Frank, and how there really are great people in the world still. She just smiled.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is so true, why do we carry the "hurt and pain" around? Why is it that is what we hold on too? Letting go is a life lesson that I hope to teach someday, but currently still am and probably will always be, the student. Thanks for being that constant reminder to let go...

    ReplyDelete
  15. I need your book! But right now your blog is helping me get through the rough days and find the joy. Mostly! Thanks Chrissy! Love Lottie

    ReplyDelete